[LittleForgetMeNot]

I'm not a crier. I used to be when I was a little girl but I stopped a few years ago. I was tired of being a cry baby and I held it in. I still do hold it in, but this week it's proven to be impossible.

It started on Tuesday night. I went to bed at 9:30pm and by 10:15 I was bawling. There was no reason for it, I just started to cry. I had spent the 45 minutes tossing and turning, panicking over a sudden wave of rare claustrophobia and the tears started spilling.

Today I cried for the majority of the time I was at the day program. The pharmasit came up to talk to us and answer our questions about medications (which I'm not on), and from answering one question the topic wandered off course into changing our relationships with our family. Such as, if you had a bad relationship with your little brother, perhaps instead of lashing out and creating conflict you could play games with him. Basically the solution was to change how you act and how the other person will probably change how they act with you.

This got to me and I muttered how that wouldn't always work. When asked why I explained it wouldn't work in my family because my family is "different" and my little brother is special needs and will never be any less stressful than he is now. That was when she mentioned the games, and I said that wouldn't help. Another student added that perhaps pride sometimes gets in the way of having fun with a younger sibling (a valid and sometimes accurate observation) but by this I felt I was being attacked and judged. I sat in my chair in silence for a long time, well into lunch. When the staff noticed my abnormal behavior and started asking questions I needed to excuse myself to the hall for the tears had come again.

I spoke to four different staff members in the two hours I cried for. Each of them trying to pull out the reasons why. The first didn't for at the time I didn't know, but the second got a lot out of me I hadn't told anyone before.. and the last two only got what my poor memory could pick up since as they came much later when I had calm down.

I feel stupid and weak for crying over nothing twice. Only the second staff member I spoke to made me feel like my tears had some meaning, the last two made my fears come true for a moment.. They (in my point of view) belittled my issue..

*sigh*

[Perna]

Crying is a physical and emotional need, like how much better you feel after emptying your bladder? Suppressing it can't work anymore than one can cry one's self to death (I wished and tried) because it is part of our physical systems and not regulated by will (as you've discovered).

http://www.emotionalprocessing.org.u...0for%20you.htm

You are not weak or stupid for crying anymore than I am weak or stupid for having asthma and not being able to breathe well. Crying can feel uncomfortable or embarrassing but I learned to just ignore that, just keep working on the conversation I was having with whomever and let my body do its thing. Our bodies are part of us and extremely helpful to our functioning well.

[lavieenrose]

You aren't crying over "nothing". There must have been triggers, maybe more issues that were buried below the surface. I hope that you have someone trustworthy to explore it with.

[lastyearisblank]

It's good you cried. Maybe you can talk more here about it if you're not sure why. Why did you feel attacked and judged?

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Originally Posted by Perna

Crying is a physical and emotional need, like how much better you feel after emptying your bladder? Suppressing it can't work anymore than one can cry one's self to death (I wished and tried) because it is part of our physical systems and not regulated by will (as you've discovered).

http://www.emotionalprocessing.org.u...0for%20you.htm

You are not weak or stupid for crying anymore than I am weak or stupid for having asthma and not being able to breathe well. Crying can feel uncomfortable or embarrassing but I learned to just ignore that, just keep working on the conversation I was having with whomever and let my body do its thing. Our bodies are part of us and extremely helpful to our functioning well.

I went to that link and read the page. I do know that I feel calmer after crying, and on Tuesday I didn't mind crying because I didn't feel hurt inside of me. I felt as normal as I would have any other day except I had tears spilling out of my eyes. I have thoughts in my head that make me think that if I cry in public or in front of others than maybe they'll see how emotionally messed up I am, perhaps be more understanding, but at the same time I don't want people to see me cry for I view crying as a ugly thing.. and I don't want people to think that I'm pathetic, weak, over-sensitive, or that I'm attention seeking. It's a mind-set I was pushed into by classmates and cousins who witnessed my crybaby stage. It's hard to think other wise.

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

It's good you cried. Maybe you can talk more here about it if you're not sure why. Why did you feel attacked and judged?

I don't know why I was crying the first time. Maybe I missed how I used to be as a child, or I was upset by the fact that I had lost so much of my life from being too much on the computer. I don't mean that in the way that I had wasted my time talking to the people I've spoken to, but while I was crying I was remembering things about me I had somehow forgotten; things that at one time defined me as a person. I remembered so much in the short time I was crying, that it became over whelming and I couldn't stop. I felt strange, like I was a kid again, like I was me again.. but knew when I woke up in the morning I wouldn't feel the same way anymore - I'd go back to being the empty shell I am today.. That realization also set me off.. but as I mentioned before through this episode I wasn't sad. I wasn't frustrated. I was unemotional yet emotional. I wasn't feeling anything negative, but I was crying.. which is why I'm so confused about it.

The second time.. I felt I was being judged.. because, well I took the student's comment personally. It came right after I mentioned that playing with my brother wouldn't help and the way the conversation went I felt he was implying I was too proud, too stuck up, too mean a sister. Another thing, the "if you change how you act with your family the quality of your relationship may change with them in return" also got to me because that just wouldn't work with my family. No matter if I changed with my brother he'd still be how he is. I have already tried and given up changing with my Mom, and she still plays her games. My family will be forever judgmental and rude.. It was a piece of advice that might work for some, but not for all, and a quick simple answer such as "your mother loves you, no matter what, maybe you need to give her a chance.." that hits hard. It makes me mad. It makes me upset.. feeling alone and misunderstood..

My last two counselors that spoke to me.. I couldn't explain this to them and because I lied a bit about the severity of my depression and couldn't force myself to admit I had been in a "relationship", completely ripped apart.. or even talking about some other things that had happened.. They're belittling my problem. I know it's my fault.. but I feel ashamed of it all, embarrassed, and afraid that they'll tell my Dad. They told me if there was ever a place to say what I have to say it would be there, but I just.. can't.. My head thinks that if the words aren't spoken out loud then it didn't exist.. If no one in my current life knows anything happened, then it didn't happen..

That's why I haven't told my Dad I cried at the program on Thursday, nor did I go today, and neither did I mention crying to anyone but you kind people at this forum. If my Dad doesn't know I cried, my friends online don't know I cried, and if I don't have the face the ones who do know for three full days.. then maybe I could pretend it never happened, and forget about it? A poor cowardly running away solution to my issue.. but it's one I like to go to a lot..

[lastyearisblank]

Well I can see how that would be upsetting. For someone to judge you to be "too proud' to accept their advice, can be incredibly frustrating. It does not sound like there as any basis for them saying that, either! Yuck.

Would it be possible next time you are feeling judged (and you know right way) to simply point that out? I am just saying this because it is possible you might be surprised. It could be that that guy that said that wasn't really talking about you or that other people don't agree... I don't know.. (and you don't either until you speak up!!)

But the fact is, it's not really up to them. They don't know what it's like to have your sibling.

So happy for you that you figured out why you were crying . Hope next group session goes better!

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Thank you. I suppose speaking up would be a better option, however I'm more of a "think and don't tell" type person. I could stand up for myself in my head but the words just refuse to come out. I'm always much more worried about their feelings than mine.

[sammiegurl2010]

its healthy to cry let it out and talk about things it doesnt make u weak it shows your strong cus you are becoming stronger in the process