Recognizing the cognitive theory that thoughts control emotions, I'm working on controlling my thoughts. When I find myself on a negative track, building to a depression or a rage, I need a way to distract myself. I need to find other things to think about and focus on, besides bad things that have happened to me, or other injustices. That kind of thinking only hurts me, nobody else, until I'm in a state of emotional wreck, and then it hurts the people I love. Doesn't do a darn thing against the people who committed the injustices. Isn't that always the way?

So, if I find myself stewing over something I can't control, I just have to change tracks. What other things do you think about, when your thoughts start carrying you away?

[Leed]

I always think of the Serenity Prayer:

God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

It has saved me SO many times.

[danvb]

I've always said, "EVERYTHING comes from within you". There is a saying that I believe to be true and have tried to incorporate into my way of being:

The meaning you give to what happens to you totally determines your reaction to what happens to you

All of our beliefs about ourselves, others, and life itself are nothing more than the meaning we have given to meaningless events. We give meaning to events solely by how we allow our minds to interpret those events!

[IceCreamKid]

If you don't mind answering, what are you doing when people are doing you injustices? Or do you mean injustices that are in the past?

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

If you don't mind answering, what are you doing when people are doing you injustices? Or do you mean injustices that are in the past?

If an injustice happens in the present, I rant and rave and throw a fit but don't really do anything effective enough to stop it. Because when it comes to true assertiveness, I'm a chicken. Or it might just be that something didn't go my way. Little everyday "injustices" that happen to everybody, that's what I mean. Those, you can't really do anything to change.

Or I can very well think about the past, and find myself getting very angry or feeling hopeless. "I wouldn't be in the shape I'm in today, if such-and-such hadn't happened in the past." Which does no good, because it DID happen, nobody has invented a time machine to go back and stop it from happening, and what I've got to do now is learn how to function in spite of my disabilities.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

If an injustice happens in the present, I rant and rave and throw a fit but don't really do anything effective enough to stop it. Because when it comes to true assertiveness, I'm a chicken. Or it might just be that something didn't go my way. Little everyday "injustices" that happen to everybody, that's what I mean. Those, you can't really do anything to change.

Or I can very well think about the past, and find myself getting very angry or feeling hopeless. "I wouldn't be in the shape I'm in today, if such-and-such hadn't happened in the past." Which does no good, because it DID happen, nobody has invented a time machine to go back and stop it from happening, and what I've got to do now is learn how to function in spite of my disabilities.

Thanks for answering me. What I see are two different sets of injustices. The second one first,if you don't mind me offering my point of view: I've ruminated in this way (why, oh why did such-and-such happen?, etc) and I agree that to whirl around and around a past event does not change it. I'm not so sure we need to be totally helpless about these past events, though. Some of what we take away from hurtful situations is potentially protection against future, similar situations, and that's a good thing. Then the first: sometimes ranting and raving is the appropriate action. I have used this as a technique. I don't think it's being a chicken to demonstrate one's feelings about a situation. Ranting and raving isn't always the answer, but I do think it has its place. Here is the nub of what you said, but what that I think we can do something about: "Little everyday "injustices" that happen to everybody, that's what I mean. Those, you can't really do anything to change" <--those upset you, yes? You are not only upset by the actual event or situation, but also by your feeling of powerlessness to change it?
So my question is: why can't we do anything to change them? I mentioned a situation to my coworker about something, and asked how we were to go about getting it rectified (I'm new, I didn't know and our supervisor was gone) and her reply was to laugh at me and to indicate that it was a situation no one could change and to imply it was my problem that I couldn't adapt to filthy working conditions. I won't go into details but I viewed it as an unhealthy situation that has to change. So I will take steps to fix it for myself.What I am saying is that I think many little every day injustices are deal with-able. That is the thought I use to help me control my emotions. Thank you for allowing me to post with you about this.

And thank you for your feedback. Yes, some everyday injustices are deal-with-able, but some aren't, like hitting every red light when you're running late, or your appointment got cancelled at the last minute because of somebody else's mistake. Any time I get messed up, and it's somebody else's fault entirely, I tend to see red. Not helpful.

There are also major events that we have no control over. Right now a family friend is going through a deep personal tragedy. I can't do anything to help, except to show my support. Here, I'll say only that someone who ought to be in jail is not, I don't know why justice isn't being done, but I can't do anything about it and neither can the family friend. Except that we can voice our disapproval with the system--maybe somehow that can bring about change. It's this type of thing, if I let myself stew, I could really flip out over.

Lessons can be learned from the past. I sometimes see myself as an experiment of life. I tend to think I was put on earth for bad things to happen to, so that society will see them happen and think, "That's bad. Let's not let it happen again." Thus changes are made. It's akin to the fact that I was the oldest child, and therefore the one my parents made the most mistakes on, and corrected them on later children. Very often, I find myself the victim of a bad system, and because something happened to me that shouldn't have, a policy is changed, and someone else who comes along after me is spared. The trouble is, then I get to thinking, why do *I* have to be the ground-breaker? Why can't I be the one who comes along later and benefits by what someone else went through? But the truth is, I am. Bad things happen to everybody, not just me. And that's what I have to remind myself.

As for ruminating on the past, I am reminded of the crude American proverb, "The more you stir up (um, waste material), the more it stinks."

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

And thank you for your feedback. Yes, some everyday injustices are deal-with-able, but some aren't, like hitting every red light when you're running late, or your appointment got cancelled at the last minute because of somebody else's mistake. Any time I get messed up, and it's somebody else's fault entirely, I tend to see red. Not helpful.

There are also major events that we have no control over. Right now a family friend is going through a deep personal tragedy. I can't do anything to help, except to show my support. Here, I'll say only that someone who ought to be in jail is not, I don't know why justice isn't being done, but I can't do anything about it and neither can the family friend. Except that we can voice our disapproval with the system--maybe somehow that can bring about change. It's this type of thing, if I let myself stew, I could really flip out over.

Lessons can be learned from the past. I sometimes see myself as an experiment of life. I tend to think I was put on earth for bad things to happen to, so that society will see them happen and think, "That's bad. Let's not let it happen again." Thus changes are made. It's akin to the fact that I was the oldest child, and therefore the one my parents made the most mistakes on, and corrected them on later children. Very often, I find myself the victim of a bad system, and because something happened to me that shouldn't have, a policy is changed, and someone else who comes along after me is spared. The trouble is, then I get to thinking, why do *I* have to be the ground-breaker? Why can't I be the one who comes along later and benefits by what someone else went through? But the truth is, I am. Bad things happen to everybody, not just me. And that's what I have to remind myself.

As for ruminating on the past, I am reminded of the crude American proverb, "The more you stir up (um, waste material), the more it stinks."

I'm an American and I wasn't aware of that proverb. Sometimes people who hold a grudge about one thing find that the emotions associated with it spill over to other situations. If you felt put upon by your parents, is it possible that your feelings about that spill over to other authority figures? I wonder if you let go of a need to feel in control of everything, if you ultimately wouldn't feel better? I know it seems weird, but when I stopped caring about so much stuff (caring as in how can I control this?), my mood improved, a lot. Some things still bother me and profoundly. But I am not beset every day with bother over a lot of stuff that I cannot change or that does not personally, directly affect me. And that isn't to say that I am not concerned; I am still concerned about hungry children, mistreated people, the state of the earth and all the animals in it. But I have found that prayer works better than stewing, in my approach to those things I hold near to my heart.

[Kymaro]

As being the baby of the family, I find it an honor to look at my older siblings and say "glad you were there to help me". And being a mother of two, I understand that I learn from my mistakes, usually upon the oldest - correct or change - for the next time. I tell my daughter, she should be proud, "SHE is teaching ME how to be a good parent". Just think - you should be proud - you paved the road for others. It is a "deal recieved" in life that cant be changed. Try not to be so black and white about it. It is just what it is.

As for when thinking negative all the time, set some post-it notes around the house how much you have accomplished. Remind yourself - murphy's law cant be changed. :-)

I was never given validation for paving the way. Maybe I can give it to myself, but all it ever has been for me, is more responsibility. Even today, my mother will tell me it's my responsibility to set a good example and be a guide for my siblings, and that's why God put me in the position as oldest. (She herself is in the same position, oldest, and thinks of herself as responsible for her younger siblings as well.) I say to blazes with that; the playing field levels at age 18. My siblings and I are all in our forties. My mother and her siblings are in their fifties and sixties. Good grief, when are people responsible for themselves?

I think things do spill over. Again relating to my position in the family, as a teenager I was pretty much under totalitarian rule, but by the time the youngest was a teenager, my overly strict father was out of the picture, and my mother was basically too tired of it all to care anymore, so my sister got to run free and do as she pleased. One extreme to the other. There could be a connection to my being resentful when someone gets away with behavior I know I would have caught hell for. Which is actually one of my pet peeves--favoritism. Unequal privilege. Celebrities getting special treatment when breaking the law, or better health care when ill with the same maladies I have. Or when there is extensive media coverage of something that happens to a celebrity, but nobody would give two hoots if it happened to me. That kind of thing.

Another situation is the danged-if-you-do/danged-if-you-don't position I sometimes find myself in. As the oldest, I had all of the responsibilities but none of the respect. I was yelled at if one of them got hurt falling off of something, but I was also yelled at if I tried to tell them not to climb up on it. I was expected to be a free babysitter, but they didn't have to do what I said.

Incidentally, today is one of those bad-anniversary days. My PTSD is triggered all over the place.