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  #1  
Old Mar 02, 2011, 05:56 AM
lifeontheborderline lifeontheborderline is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2011
Posts: 1
I'm sorry, I don't know if this is the right place to post.

I really need some help, I feel so alone and broken.

I don't know where to start. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, but don't want to post in the BPD-specific thread (I do have my reasons, please trust me).

I feel like everything I touch turns to *****. I love so deeply and so intensely, and I've lost someone I really care for. I feel that I have nothing. All I have ever wanted is to find the person who will love and care for me forever, and accept and nurture me when I need it. I am very loving and caring person, I would do anything for the ones I love.

I am high functioning, and my psychologist explains I am an unusual case of BPD, but a certain one, exhibiting basically all 9 criteria. I am very insightful, and I want to get better. I have been in therapy with her for a year, I am on the waiting list to attend a 12 month DBT program, and I am on medication. I sought help and am trying to work on things even by myself, using all the resources I can find. I am unlike most other BPD sufferers, and have found it difficult to obtain a diagnosis from my GP (doctor) of BPD because at first glance I appear extremely normal. Even when I didn't want to put on a facade, I did. It was like I couldn't stop hiding all my problems.

I first sought help at 15, and was given a prescription for Zoloft and asked no other questions about how I was feeling after my brief explanation. My mum found the receipt for the medication 2 weeks later and took them away. I'm glad she did, as they made me worse.

Based on the experience with that doctor I struggled on for years not wishing to seek help, and my demons took a strong hold of my life. I wish someone, anyone, got me the help I needed. I so obviously was unwell. I know that this can't be changed now, but I can't help but wonder what my life would be like now if I'd got the help I so desperately needed back then. For a long time I thought I "just" had Bipolar Disorder.

After years of struggling, self harming, self destructing, 2 years ago, by chance, a friend of a friend was diagnosed with BPD after a failed suicide attempt. The friend immediately came to me telling me she was sure that I had BPD. She had been observing many similarities between the other girl and I, but could not put her finger on what it was. We are both affected by BPD very differently, almost in a polar opposite way. For 12 months I still took no action, but after doing my own research into BPD it was like a light bulb lit up in my head, I simply KNEW that it was a perfect fit for me.

Then, just over 12 months ago now, I had a breakup that affected me worse than any breakup before (which was difficult given that they are an extremely debilitating and traumatic event for me, with the effects on my mental state lasting up to 6 months, or until I found someone else). The funny thing is that I knew it was bad BECAUSE I wasn't acting in a typical BPD way. I wasn't being impulsive, I wasn't cutting myself, I was just... a zombie. I was TOO low for my usual reactive behaviours. Severe depression took hold, I was crying every waking moment, starving myself (losing about 10kg in a couple months)... the worst was the early morning waking. To be very honest, I knew I was going to kill myself. The aforementioned friend immediately made me an appointment with a counselor through our Assistance Program at work, who basically said they could not help me and to seek therapy. So I did. At first my psychologist was skeptical of my BPD "self-diagnosis" but it was merely a few sessions before she agreed whole-heartedly.

That's my background story. Sorry it is so long.

At present day, I have just had a very short lived relationship. I guess right now the details aren't important. What is important is this. I am fast falling down a very slippery slope straight into major depression again. I'm feeling very hopeless. I am crying constantly. I feel so low that I see no point in even taking my medication. I cannot get in to see my psychologist for another 2 weeks. I am worried what will happen to me between now and then.

I am so heartbroken but more than that I am upset and angry at myself for getting involved with him at all, I knew it was a bad idea but proceeded anyway as I could not resist the temptation of someone who was so loving and affectionate towards me. I know I shouldn't have. I wish I didn't. I'm so disappointed in myself. I feel very alone. I just want a hug. I want someone to hold me tight and tell me it will be okay. I'm not sure I'd believe them, but I want it all the same.

I feel very empty. I'm only 23 years old and I feel that I have nothing to live for. Everything I touch, I ruin. Everyone who loves and cares about me goes away in the end, because I can't get my ***** together. I'm a very intelligent woman, so why can't I fix myself? Why aren't I getting better. I am capable of rational thinking, but not when I am distressed, and certainly not when I'm distressed like this. When my heart is aching all I want is out... I want someone to save me but I know the only person who can is myself. Except I don't feel like I can. I'm so strong for other people but I can't help myself. I feel like I just don't want to do this anymore.

I am not lovable for long... Everyone leaves me. And I don't blame them. They care about me so so much and I still ruin it.

How do I make these feelings go away? I can't live this way anymore and I don't know how to make it better. All I want is to be loved unconditionally, supported, nurtured, regardless of all my problems. I know that I have to do this for myself and can't rely on someone else, but I don't know how.

Please tell me what to do...

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  #2  
Old Mar 02, 2011, 10:04 AM
madisgram's Avatar
madisgram madisgram is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2008
Location: Sunny East Coast Florida!
Posts: 6,873
i deeply hope you find the help you need. it sounds like you are devoted to help yourself. i applaud your efforts. the loudest squeak gets the oil. please don't give up trying.you deserve better things in your life. if you find your T and pdoc are not helping enough, i'd consider changing to new ones that may have more expertise to help you.please let us know how you are doing. we care about you.
...and welcome to pc! i'm glad u found us.
__________________
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
  #3  
Old Mar 02, 2011, 08:18 PM
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Sunna Sunna is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2011
Location: California, USA
Posts: 355
Welcome to PC.

A very wise person once said: "The reason we need others to love us unconditionally, is because we don't. And the reason they don't love us unconditionally is because we don't." We project that lack of love onto them. We saddle them with an impossible job of fighting us "I am unlovable" "No, you are not". Eventually we drive them away. They cannot satisfy our need, because in truth what we need is our own unconditional love. But unconditional love for ourselves is something we need to learn, or most of us do. We come out of childhood in lesser or greater degree all messed up.

Learning self love is like learning any other unfamiliar skill. You make first moves and you practice, they may feel unnatural or strange but you know your goal. It goes one little step at a time. Coming here is one such step. Reaching for help is an act of self-love. You understand things so well, and you express them so well, it's awesome. And I could read that you love that about yourself.

There is a part of you that knows it's not true that a person only 23 year old has nothing to live for. That part of you loves you. Despite how horrible you feel, and what mean hurtful things you can say to yourself, there is love.

You are beautiful. Hang in there, please. You are worth it.
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