[Ambiguous]

I have a bad habit I need some advice on breaking. I guess the difficulty comes in a two fold presentation. I have come here to step outside of my self and my peer group to see what kind of different approaches there are to look at things from. That is where you come in. I have Gender Identity Dysphoria. My diagnosis suggests that I transform my external self to match the real me inside. There is nothing more in the world that I would rater do than feel like a whole person 24/7 but I am unable to change physically to match the interior and am stuck in a cycle of never feeling real. I emotionally disguise my self from the outside world creating a personality image to represent the physical form that I am stuck with. The hard thing here is that I always feel as if I am transparent when I am in a weak mood. Not to mention the hit I take between my ears, as am a very honest person that lives a lie, that is a hard pill to swallow on a daily basis. I tried switching my gender presentation in my private life but the constant switching back and forth beat up my emotions pretty good and I am reluctant to start that cycle over again. (plus mirrors are not very kind no matter how good you feel on the inside) The saying, "be honest to yourself" does not feel very tangible to me and it hurts. I have been green lighted to start hormone therapy. I am unable to do this responsively however for many reasons and it would probably create more stress for myself and my family by not going about things the right way. That is the back drop to my bad habit.
Here is where I need help…To deal with my everyday life not creeping up on me I have practiced a model that I have employed from an early age, ‘avoid being your self.’ or (Avoidance behavior) After making so much head way in finally understanding myself after many years. This coping tool doesn’t work anymore and I feel horrible. I can no longer seem to get away from my self long enough any more. Before I would fill my time with a hobbies reading T.V. video games cleaning the house you name it, anything to not have personal thinking time. The dilemma here is that I know this is a very bad way to deal with something yet I have never had any other tools to use. I need suggestions on how to avoid, avoiding myself but still be able to find peace in those times. I know I could use therapy but unfortunately like many of us here I am unable to afford it. I realize the correct answer is be happy with who you are and be your self, unfortunately in my case that can be dangerous. I feel if I do not learn to cope well with this more problems will follow. Any suggestions would be welcome. I know this is a tough one but I have come here like many of you to learn as well as help others. Please give it some thought I could use a hand.

Yours truly,
Ambiguous

(I chose my name for the forum here, in a moment of mental weakness. I do Know who and what I am and what parts I posses, and most of the time and I am very proud of who I am.)
Those who understand the physical ramifications of Gender Identity Dysphoria realize that my brain development was genetically female, my body development was genetically male, and that the hormone flux inside my mothers womb that caused all of this confusion was beyond my control.

My friends call me Rachael

[madisgram]

hi rachael, my first question is, are you presently married? that would help us to know, if you're comfortable with telling us. are there children involved?, second question.
what responsible advice have your irl friends given you?
what do you feel you need to do in order to be who you are?
are you wanting or willing to take the risk of being criticized by your loved ones?
sorry for so many questions. please know, to me it doesn't matter what someone "is" but who they truly are. how can anyone be judgemental? like you said, this wasn't your choice. it just is. hugs.

I relate to you so purely.I am comfortable in my gender......but all of the rest......I could only read this....and weep.

[Ambiguous]

Madisgram,

Thank you for your interest and understanding. I will try to broaden my approach. I realize that with out a good picture it is hard to give advice. I am a very open person and will answer almost any question as long as positive results can be achieved from them. When I am able to give an answer I will do so as honestly as I possibly can. After all self improvement and the ability to help others is intrinsically my goal. I started my post off in that fashion but did not want to loose peoples attention by going (to deep) into who I am.. I have learned over the years that most people have a opinions one way or another about transgendered people. Giving others a view into the looking glass and not focusing on preconceptions helps to avoid a generalistic skim and run approach.

(Family life) I am married to a wonderful woman who understands me more than any person on earth, as it should be. She has been aware and understanding of all of my and positive attributes and quirks from day one. We have different views on something's, but we generally agree on most of what life brings us. I would humbly assume that most marriage partners who are in good relationships are pretty similar. She has a brilliant mind I am lucky to be able to share it. We approach all of life from a analytical as well as emotional perspectives gather the facts, digest the facts, and proceed accordingly. That is not to say that we are stuffy and robotic, far from it. I have a large family, several children, all at different evolutions of life and I am proud of them all,. For the most part, they put themselves fully into the lives that they live. I am close to my Father and recently lost my Mother to complications related to diabetes. All of my family is fully aware of who I am, and accept me. I don’t think that they all fully understand completely the whole internal picture of what gender dysphoria encompasses but I understand it is a hard topic to get your mind around. I am one of the lucky ones that is able to continue on through life with an intact family. As a side note: I am so glad that I came out to my mother when I did we were able to share a deeper relationship because of it. One night after returning from therapy I decided to stop in and visit my parents and get over the fear of my outward presentation. I had shown through out my childhood that I was this way and at 21 we had the talk, but I don’t think it ever came home until that night almost 20 years later. My shell was down, I was me. (physically) I expected the worst even though they had given me no reason doubt them. What I got was love. Of course they were worried about the rest of the world and voiced their concerns. I never have taken the full step of living full time in my true gender. From what I have perceived I am fairly passable at least from a passer by stand point. I am so glad my Mother was able to see the real me before she passed. For the first time that night I felt like her real child, all the talk was over and I just was, it was very liberating. Currently I have back peddled I no longer dress outside of my physical gender. Flipping back and fort all of the time caused me a ton of stress and emotional turmoil. When you feel great it’s hard to put the costume of indifference back on again. So now I hide, and it’s not working….it never does.

(In Real Life Friends): I am assuming that you are referring to other Trans people. I went to group therapy for a while but never really grew close bonds with anyone. I have dyslexia and dyscalculia and the way my brain functions I often come off seeming to be a little different or aloof which is normal given that my cognitive placement of thoughts, they are different than most. In a group setting I feel people are trying to internally and externally relate to the world around them. Call it a hunch or possibly my preconceptions but I feel like I was some what placed outside of the group by being to different. I find this same separation in the online environment as well. Clicks form in all aspects of life I just have never been a click oriented person. Let me explain that more appropriately, When Transgendered people discover who they are they go through what is referred to as a second puberty. It is my opinion that a lot of the same nuances like clicks resurface during this phase of self discovery, there for if you are not close to another's placement you are outside of the loop. (or click) A very obvious example of this can be found in the social structure that underlies the Trans community. In many cases mind you, not all instances, a post op. transgendered person is often placed in a mentor role and rightly so however this is often associated with a sort of class system. At my position in this system I know who and what I am but do not see the ability to transition any further. I do not seem to fit into the linear format of regulated help therefore inadvertently my placement in this schema is pushed right or wrong to the back burner so top speak. Most of the advice I have been given is in the area of transition which I would love to do but am unable to pursue.

What I have researched and what I would like to happen. (reader beware: I will try not to be graphic) Hair removal, Hormone replacement therapy or (HRT). Those two I would love to achieve it would make the outside match the inside. What most people do not research is that if you go this route that after (I believe it is two years on hormones), you need to start to consider an Orchiectomy (no polite way to put this one sorry, castration) or sexual reassignment surgery (SRS). If you do not your chances of getting cancer start to rise dramatically. Testosterone and estrogen are produced in both males and females however not at the increased rate that is required in HRT thus the danger. So basically if you start you need to go all the way if you want to be safe. Rachael’s problem,…. going to where a lot of people go… through the first two steps only is dangerous not to mention expensive. I am in my 40’s therefore lost of gray hairs laser hair removal only works on dark follicles, I would need electrolysis much more expensive. Hormones not so expensive unless you don’t count health reasons, which I do, not only for my sake but for the sake of my familyas well. Orchi and SRS way out of reach way to expensive. Tus the limbo state that I am currently in.

"What do you feel you need to do in order to be who you are? " That is the tough one I recently won the battle with an eating disorder to achieve a more feminine frame —er—– kind of (I know stop it.) Size 16 is all my bones will allow, if I hold my breath never a 0 that’s 32" waist to all of you gentlemen out there. 6’ tall, (big girl) Education level G.E.D. with a fore mentioned learning disabilities. Unless I put the muscle mass back on. Grrrr. I will not be able to make very much money. Oil rig work Fisherman the only 2 professions that you can get ahead from what I can see. So the scenario plays like this in my head bulk up to be able to lift 100 lbs. Repetitively through out the day for several years and have a dead end career. Surround myself with a group of people who probably would not get me at all, be separated from my family for extended periods of time. All the while try to find peace in 12 hour work days in my current frame, that would then be changed proportionally for the worst. Or more realistically come here and try to find a new way of finding peace without such drastic measures. I figured I would try this ‘yes’ as a family we could use the extra cash but at what cost and more importantly would I be able to handle it psychologically. To answer your question more directly: I would like for the outside of me to match the inside of me, without looking out of place.


Ok,…...now that the cat is out of the bag and running around the room I am not flamboyant. I am soft-spoken for the most part. I prefer shorts and a T-shirt as opposed to a skirt or a dress. Mind you there are times when I am in the mood but it’s rare. I would be happy with an ‘A’ cup... well ok you got me,... a ‘B‘. I’m kind of a tomboy I like makeup but would rather not have to worry about it. When I do wear it is always only to accentuate natural features, not to be flashy. Like many girls I went through the looking like a raccoon stage but I practice makes perfect. If I had to give a broad picture of myself I would say pick up a copy of Natasha Bedingfield’s, Pocketfull of Sunshine album. I can relate to that album pretty well. Favorite song is ‘Freckles’ it kind of sums up my approach to life. Believe it or not I am very introverted (lol not showing in the size of this post), I am not usually this social. My list of friends all live with me, they are my family. I have volunteered occasionally on Transgendered crisis chat boards over the years as I do have a lot of info rattling around my brain and love to help others when I can. Even in that I have not acquired a friend base.

Well there you have it a much bigger picture. I hope this helps you to understand me a bit better in order to give me your advice.
My main concern right now is learning to deal with the times when I have to face myself and to start doing it more regularly instead of hiding all of the time behind trivial routines.

Thank you again Madisgram for your interest and the HUG
Hope this helped.

Wolfsong,
Then maybe we can learn together. I appreciate your post, it is nice to know that people can see and relate, even though they may not be going through exactly what you are. I humbly wish to convey that I do not wish to cause others pain, so if you want to cry for me, cry for the right reason. That reason would be that I want to better my life and not be consumed by it. Here’s to the future, and that we both may learn from it. Thank you for your support sometimes just hearing another voice makes you feel better. Don’t underestimate the power of your post. Thank you.

Rachael

(((((Rachael)))))....if you ever need an ear....I am right here