6/13/2010...not much really changed?Wolf

Not ever sure what I feel.Because as a prism...I reflect off all surfaces at all times.So tired of that.I have been in a fluctuating state within my marriage and in my very soul for sure..since 2000.
Because the whole thing was this epic ,grandiose love story in my head...and in his head..."I married you because you were pregnant...could never make you happy either." These words came after 10 years.
Due to some of the historical events over its course.In a sense,husband is correct...nothing he ever tried...made me happy.Because he was absent to us...to me...to the boys...Just to be near him...I watched him work...he gave none of us his time.
I was always a tortured soul with emotions and an awareness of galactic proportions...in a breath...knowing the sufferance of the entire world....and the glorious detail of every natural loveliness,that visions on the earth had to show me.
In another fashion...nothing I said about why I was unhappy...or what was missing,or how I felt...altered anything he did afterwards.Perhaps we just both critically injured one another and operated from a place within of selfishly motivated concerns.
Perhaps neither of us ever did as well;comparatively as we thought we had ...standing on our soapbox...fists raised in the air...shouting..."I am good...I am good and everyone else has not lived up to my standards!"
(We never actually shouted...ever...we were the most respectfully communicating two people you would ever meet.)Albeit mostly one-sided was the word exchange ...because you don't get to know what he is thinking...epic fail with me...I need words...real feelings...tell me what you feel...why you feel it...and let me sort through...and why not? I would tell you.
It would seem I am in a state of trying to 'replace' what I have with something which may cause me to slink out of this deep darkness,aloneness,inadequacy,pain,perpetual past ,and state of mind which ever pervades my consciousness.Yet,something inside the deepest chambers of my soul shouts...go live...or die expediently!!! With a venomous overtone.A true desperation.Replace it with what alternative?What destination?What newfound thought structure?
Another bit of me whispers...Woman...would you ever be happy?Anywhere?How can I really even know the answer to this.I feel I am waiting to die...where I am...and fear I may be completely miserable no matter where I go?But,should I go...I know what is here...loneliness,not being treasured,being taken for granted,insignificance,boundary crossing,and never ever having the same significance which I give to the heart and soul of others.Contrastingly...do I even give others the same allowance to fk up as I so deeply beg for?
Could I really share my body...revel in a mans scent,adore his voice,snuggle AS closely like a snake nest with anyone else?But,did he ever love me the way I have loved him? Did he love me as best he could?Really?Or did he take me for granted for decades...giving me the same polite treatment,yet less attention as for other friends in his life?Or his hobbies/side jobs.Time with me was at bed time.(That was MY time)
Deep down,it may merely create a new pain.,leaving him..desperation,a new hole in my soul.Because what I am missing is in need of being filled with things which should be there even if I were alone.Something that I feel or believe with such an unshakable conviction,that no inadequacy on another humans part could rob me of?
Although I obviously can see why I feel the way I do,and how I came to be the way I am,I also am aware that persisting in this painful state of lingering reminiscence on the past ;all in painful detail,is murdering my soul,if I even have one left.I am the 'walking dead' as it were.Beckoning death...draw nigh....with a lovers beckoning.
Even if my husband and others...present...or from the near and distant past are partially responsible for this pain...this malingering guilt...this ever present desire to cease breathing...I am the only one who is capable of creating a "life worth living".
I submit that it is merely my thoughts which eat away at me.Perhaps that isn't true?I can see all of what leaves my soul disquieted...fear that my son will come here...needing to mother something.Needing to feel as if I were something another human was excited to see.Exploring nature.Can any of it be done from here?....Am I supposed to...by some 'fate' walk away from where I am to somehow ,somewhere....find me?
Who am I ?I was/or am a daughter,a wife,an object of mens desire,a poet,an artist,an empathetic human,a mother,a cause fighter,a hero,a savior,a sinner,a slut,a prude,crass,ladylike,'hung-up',extroverted,darkest of the dark you'd ever know...and the most blinding of lights...loving,unavailing,tender,ferocious......so what the f am I ...really?
It is MY responsibility...and being aware...I should be able to utilize that fact to be actively creating a life I feel worth living.Yet,I don't.Just like those who have truly caused me to desist in my efforts to help them recover from their depressive state due to their seeming marriage to their negative thoughts and clouds of doom.
It is as though a depressive state has always permeated my consciousness from a very very young age.I can even recall being very tiny and being told by mum..."don't make faces at people"...Why did I do that?Why did I knowingly cause my darling grandmother to cry?...Taunting her?..at age 7 or 8???????..I cannot change the past,I know.I beg God and anyone I ever injured ,for their forgiveness.I release the guilt...as I will repair/erase not one moment of wrong,harm,sin...acted out by my spirit.I realize.
At the same time...how can I be stabile?Know "who" I am? What I want? Where I want to go? What to do with whatever life I have left?But,then what?If I end my life...my soul stands aware...at unrest?Reaching my hand...my invisible hand to caress the face or wipe a tear...of all those I love...have loved?
So you see...it is this painful maze of opposites I stand within at each moment...have since I can ever remember.I can remember being 2...but I can't remember 5 minutes ago...another polar fkng opposite.What DOOM!!!
And...if there is this doom of swirling divergence in soul....never a hope to be steady...then,how indeed can a hope exist?I am wearing a mourners black for days ago....and a hooded cloak in fear of the next breath?Would it really be selfish of me to 'end it' if it meant the liberation of all the souls whose lives I touch?Wouldn't it be the ultimate sacrifice?If I cannot achieve inner peace...for the sake of those absorbing my energy...and my obvious impact on them...then it'd be a blessing to release my soul from the confines of this earthly skin...no?
Oh...but give me a wisp of hope...to be one who uplifts...heals with love...directs one to a good path...inspires good...give me that and watch me soar.I want that.But I want assurance of it's stability...for it is the fluctuation of my inner self which is fkng madness making...as I draw others to the watery depths!!!

And...if there is this doom of swirling divergence in soul....never a hope to be steady...then,how indeed can a hope exist?I am wearing a mourners black for days ago....and a hooded cloak in fear of the next breath?Would it really be selfish of me to 'end it' if it meant the liberation of all the souls whose lives I touch?Wouldn't it be the ultimate sacrifice?If I cannot achieve inner peace...for the sake of those absorbing my energy...and my obvious impact on them...then it'd be a blessing to release my soul from the confines of this earthly skin...no?

I really hope you don't feel this way about you. You don't realize how much you matter to people. But it's not about dependence - it's about hope.
Seems like you've lost yourself a bit. I understand that, because I'm there too. But don't ever think that even through all your sadness that you don't matter. Your pain is real; your heart, and soul are too.

I wish I could answer all your questions and help you through your pain, but I don't have answers. But just remember this one thing - you matter!! You're stronger than you think, you are loved more than you realize, and the pain you feel can subside.

I wrote a long reply to this...but in the interest of not causing more of my dark to over-cast the hearts of others...I have respectfully zipped my mouth.

Rather ,I offer that your reply did deeply touch me.I thank you respectfully.And,must from here...bow out,because my soul is swimming in the dark.

I will however reply when "The sun rises."

Thank you for sharing your loving heart and empathy toward me.

By the way...researcher that I am,I did of course visit your profile to grasp from whence the viewpoint came....My Lord lady...what a face of an angel.

All I have to say on this thread till I can climb out of this hole I am in.

Sweet regards,
~WO.olf

LookingforCalm says;
the pain you feel can subside..

I agree. I read an article that said we should look at our problems as only memories. They are no longer real - it is only what is in front of us that has meaning not what is behind us. I try to be that way but I admit it is oftentimes difficult. Some sort of change is needed to shake us loose. Is there anything that you may change to help the way you feel? Not all change is good and not all change is bad it is simply the act of change that may free us. Even if the change is temporary and places us back where we were with a new perspective of past and present while providing a hope for the future - then it has accomplished something.

Thank you!