Stuffing Emotions then exploding

So I grew up in a family that didn't not share how they were feeling about things and we were expected to just accept and deal with things and try and be upbeat and positive so that's what I've tried to do in my life. So the problem is as I've gotten older that isn't working anymore. I stuff things and then they simmer until I finally explode. I am currently in a realtionship and have tried to share my feelings more but I finally get to a point where I'm so upset about these things I get angry, irritable, am snippy and want to avoid the people I'm frustrated with. I don't want to talk to them or anything. I just had a very upsetting and frustrating weekend with my boyfriend but I couldn't really talk to him because our kids were around. So I got angry and asked him if he wanted to go home and he said yes which made me even angrier. So now we aren't talking to each other. I'm already in therapy so I will talk to my therapist about this, but I'm wondering if anyone else is experience this and has any advice.

DW,

I really wonder who HASN'T experienced this, male or female. I'd very much doubt that anyone (or, to be realistic, more than about 10% of the population) is raised to know their feelings, acknowledge their feelings, be honest about their feelings and express their feelings to their parents or family whenever those feelings are painful or important enough to express. In other words, how many of us are REALLY raised to be mentally healthy? Frankly, in my opinion, very, very few.

So, what to do? Well, you're already in therapy and that's surely a good start. I'm in therapy too and doing fine there, thank you. I've been learning how to transform unconscious feelings into conscious feelings and then do something about them on my own without necessarily involving my wife, who has her own problems. In other words, take care of myself. Which, I guess, is what real adults are supposed to do.

Before you get to the explosion point, you feel out all those previous, prior "getting ready to explode" feelings and make them conscious so that you're aware of what's happening from the word go. And then you figure out, by yourself or with your T, how to "head 'em off at the pass." In other words, when you're first moving toward a build-up with an explosion at the end of it, you're conscious of this from the beginning and figure out how to deal with the problem without exploding.

"Dealing with the problem" could be all kinds of things: rewarding yourself with a snack, deep breathing, patting yourself on the back, all kinds of things. Me, I have to make sure I don't use alcohol to get away from that awful "build-up" feeling. It takes a lot of concentration and energy NOT to get to the explosion point. To refrain. And then you have to deal with that kind of stress. That's what T and I are talking about now. I'm to the point where I can stop things in their tracks, and won't explode, and know what I need to do, but I don't yet know what to do at that point to help myself feel better and unstressed. I'm sure if you and your T talk about it she'll help you with ways you can gear down from that stress. Take care!

What is interesting in what you said " I'd very much doubt that anyone (or, to be realistic, more than about 10% of the population) is raised to know their feelings, acknowledge their feelings, be honest about their feelings and express their feelings to their parents or family whenever those feelings are painful or important enough to express" I am right there in the midst of trying to get my daughter of 10 to be more vocal about her feelings in a calm manner. It gets frustrating at times but I really want her to know her emotions and learn how to deal with them in an appropriate manner. Emotional intelligence is what I want her to gain.
When I get to that point of frustration, I remind my self "a soft answer turns away anger" it defuses mine and it also demenstrates how to defuse herself. We then can move into a calm conversation where I can acknowlege her feelings and have a moment of learning without any yelling.
Good luck to both of you in your journey to change. It is possible.

healingangel,

It's just great that you're trying to raise your daughter to recognize and express her feelings. Her OWN feelings, not things she's been taught are "right and proper." Back when I was growing up (a long time ago) we were really taught (without saying so) that only certain feelings were acceptable and that others had to be rejected. Nobody of course SAID this, it was just the message that came across with all the other things we were taught without saying. I would guess, though, that this kind of "lesson" is just as difficult to learn for young children as other lessons. To learn to be "conscious" of feelings and acknowledge them takes a lot. The best of luck to you and your daughter! Take care.

Some great advice here. It helped me, you guys are welcome in my world anytime.