[beauflow]

when i am rather upset with myself i scream at me in my head. I mean by this rather rage screaming. I am not nice to me either most of the time when doing this. I can up to 5 me screaming or talking to counter act me or being confused. They are all me i am sure. Just wondering if anyone else gets this or direction to what it is-
Is it part of me self loathing and trying to counter balance? And i just get so many? Its hard to explain.

[wing]

I used to feel this way before I was medicated, beau. Now it's just one voice with and endless negative tirade. I consider that voice to be the conditioning leading to low self-esteem, and reparable with CBT techniques.

[beauflow]

Thank you Wingin it- that is nice to know, will be easier to tell this lady if i click with her about it..... i dont want to be medicated (I dont like the idea) so CBT is an option I am willing to look more into.

[charlie'olts]

I hear similar things. But its not me. Its quick to start when I'm disappointed or confused. It scares me and causes me to lose sleep. I just remember that it is my mind, and I am its source. Not very comforting :/ I'm not very good at that, I know. But sometimes the logic is what keeps my grasp.

[moonbeam2]

i have rapid cycling bipolar disorder & before i was diagnost had no idea what that was i use to have thoughts that were set up like a free way 3 lanes going in 1 direction &3 lanes of thoughts going in the other direction it got real bad i now take seriquil calonpin & zanex & now new med anti depresent for the first yr takking meds it was really hard it slowed everthing down & all i wanted to do was sleep i kept telling my doc i felt like i was dragging a 18 wheeler truck up hill with me every were i went & then 1 day i realized i had 2 boys & a husband & house i had to maintaine so i got upa few weeks passed dont know how many but i was sitting on my couch watching tv & what i realized is that i had 1 thought that felt odd cause all my life i or my brain was liveing on a freeway with all my thoughts i use to get done with things in 2 hrs what it took for most people 2 days to do i did everthing before med now with this 1 thought i didnt know what to do so i called my doc & told him what do i do with this 1 thought meaning i wasent thinking of a million things & he said i dont know so i went to my neig hbors house my friend to tell him & when i was out there i heard things like the birds is was if i heard them for the first time it became overwhelming for me cause i was 35 & i felt at that moment my life changed i was lazy for about a year but did the best i could then i became depressed & they wanted to put me on a anti mind you thats what they did from the start before the seriguil & that got me 302 because when you have raceing thoughts in my opinion you dont give a anti depressent without a mood stabelizer i learned the hard way so after i was on seri for about a yr i became depressed & they told me they wanted me to take a anti i said no way i show you & i went & got a job had it for 5 yrs & for the last 2yrs i was there i struggled real bad i started getting panic attacks was getting sick in parking lot due to stress of haveing to go to work cause all my mind kept telling me call off today over & over so i had to leave my job health went to hell diet bad low potassum because i was rapted up in my thoughts i never thought to eat properly so in oct it will be a yr i left & now everything is my fault in my head my mind puts me down more times than i can count like the other day i was going to see my tp i sprayed purfum on me & my boy came up to hug me before i left & the purfum was still wet so it got on his shirt & right nothing being said about it i walked away & the first thought that came to my head was im gonna die getting to my docs & he is never gonna wanna take that shirt off i just figured out tonight that the kids will be going to school sooner than i thought & right away my mind told me i suck i didnt take them on vacation im a bad mom ,they r good kids & if i die they will get over it & my husband will find someone better & they may have a happier i am a good mom & i do reconize that but like calling off work my mind plays these games that r never endeing it is horrable to live this way i dont yell at my kids or beat them im alot like a friend & a mom when need to be i just think im not goodenough & i dont think i ever will but i try week after week & ill never give up sorry such a llong story i just took off with that 1 the meaning of the story is if you can tell yourself its your illness & its not really you its just the chemicals that r off in your head may help with some of the struggle its not me its my illness try it good luck i wish you the best!hope i helpted !i hope i didnt confuse you ! see there goes my brain when i do something good it gotta twist it to my fault ! good luck !

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by charlie'olts

I hear similar things. But its not me. Its quick to start when I'm disappointed or confused. It scares me and causes me to lose sleep. I just remember that it is my mind, and I am its source. Not very comforting :/ I'm not very good at that, I know. But sometimes the logic is what keeps my grasp.

Charlie'olts- Yeah I do remind myself that it is all in my head if I can when I calm down- But some times the screaming can over power my logic at times and I can break down.. :-/
Sometimes I have a hint of my mother yelling at me or being mean- but I am sure it is still me just in a rage that reminds me of her.

Originally Posted by moonbeam2

i have rapid cycling bipolar disorder & before i was diagnost had no idea what that was i use to have thoughts that were set up like a free way 3 lanes going in 1 direction &3 lanes of thoughts going in the other direction it got real bad i now take seriquil calonpin & zanex & now new med anti depresent for the first yr takking meds it was really hard it slowed everthing down & all i wanted to do was sleep i kept telling my doc i felt like i was dragging a 18 wheeler truck up hill with me every were i went & then 1 day i realized i had 2 boys & a husband & house i had to maintaine so i got upa few weeks passed dont know how many but i was sitting on my couch watching tv & what i realized is that i had 1 thought that felt odd cause all my life i or my brain was liveing on a freeway with all my thoughts i use to get done with things in 2 hrs what it took for most people 2 days to do i did everthing before med now with this 1 thought i didnt know what to do so i called my doc & told him what do i do with this 1 thought meaning i wasent thinking of a million things & he said i dont know so i went to my neig hbors house my friend to tell him & when i was out there i heard things like the birds is was if i heard them for the first time it became overwhelming for me cause i was 35 & i felt at that moment my life changed i was lazy for about a year but did the best i could then i became depressed & they wanted to put me on a anti mind you thats what they did from the start before the seriguil & that got me 302 because when you have raceing thoughts in my opinion you dont give a anti depressent without a mood stabelizer i learned the hard way so after i was on seri for about a yr i became depressed & they told me they wanted me to take a anti i said no way i show you & i went & got a job had it for 5 yrs & for the last 2yrs i was there i struggled real bad i started getting panic attacks was getting sick in parking lot due to stress of haveing to go to work cause all my mind kept telling me call off today over & over so i had to leave my job health went to hell diet bad low potassum because i was rapted up in my thoughts i never thought to eat properly so in oct it will be a yr i left & now everything is my fault in my head my mind puts me down more times than i can count like the other day i was going to see my tp i sprayed purfum on me & my boy came up to hug me before i left & the purfum was still wet so it got on his shirt & right nothing being said about it i walked away & the first thought that came to my head was im gonna die getting to my docs & he is never gonna wanna take that shirt off i just figured out tonight that the kids will be going to school sooner than i thought & right away my mind told me i suck i didnt take them on vacation im a bad mom ,they r good kids & if i die they will get over it & my husband will find someone better & they may have a happier i am a good mom & i do reconize that but like calling off work my mind plays these games that r never endeing it is horrable to live this way i dont yell at my kids or beat them im alot like a friend & a mom when need to be i just think im not goodenough & i dont think i ever will but i try week after week & ill never give up sorry such a llong story i just took off with that 1 the meaning of the story is if you can tell yourself its your illness & its not really you its just the chemicals that r off in your head may help with some of the struggle its not me its my illness try it good luck i wish you the best!hope i helpted !i hope i didnt confuse you ! see there goes my brain when i do something good it gotta twist it to my fault ! good luck !

Moonbean I am so sorry to read your story and struggle with this. And that it sounds the meds are a scale of work and non-work; I hope you are getting to where you need on them.
I am amazed with stories of people and kids this due to I could not do that- with how I am at times I am afraid to have a child and I know parts of me would not be able to handle it (I believe at least) and having a dog sort of verifies my fears with how I sometimes yell at him. My sisters and you and many others have the strength to have kids and yet keep on your best. it is something to admire due to it is a strength that I fear I would not have but am lucky enough to realize it
You are alright- I think I understand what you are saying that its not our faults for our illness' and what may happen up in our heads- and Like Charlie'olts says to remember it is our minds like you mention with the imbalance.

I just really hate this yelling- It comes at times where I am already low and sometimes it comes when it is like I am going to break- The last time this happened, if my boyfriend was not around I may have went to old habits with things- but he was around, and is around most of the time or is a call away when I am breaking down. I am fortunate to have someone that understands some of this and cares-
The time before I was at work and thank goodness I work nights and there were few here cuz I sat out side a lot trying to calm down.

After I had posted this I talked to my boyfriend about it, and he too said remember it is all you and your mind playing tricks. It's just hard sometimes. We talk a lot about stuff, I just like to get feed back from you lovely people way I know... and perhaps get other suggestions.

Medicine I am scared of due to I don't want to be too slightly different (I already have messed up sleep and energy levels) and I don't want to be over medicated and so on. Plus I work some where, where if mood swings get worse before they get better I will be fired (A lot of customer interaction).

Thank you all again- I see the therapist in a week down- T-Minus a week now ) i will at one point mention a lot of things to her and this will be one of them

[charlie'olts]

"Charlie'olts- Yeah I do remind myself that it is all in my head if I can when I calm down- But some times the screaming can over power my logic at times and I can break down.. :-/
Sometimes I have a hint of my mother yelling at me or being mean- but I am sure it is still me just in a rage that reminds me of her"

I know what you mean, sometimes its just too overwhelming. There has been times that I blare music in my house and have the TV volume up so I can be surrounded by noise to mask what I hear. I haven't found a good way to deal with it either. Just like you said, in my calm moments. All I can do is remind myself that there are certain things that "trigger" my episodes I guess you'd call them. And I have to do my best to stay calm when I know I'm going to be around something that could potentially trigger it. And I try to forgive myself when something unexpected happens. Having someone to talk to who doesn't judge what you are saying I've found is the easiest way to deal with it.. I hope you find a sense of calm. After all our minds are our own great frontier and it seems unfair when its not just you in there.