[autumn-spirit]

has anyone here ever felt like there's nothing more than can be done? Like they're just not fixable, no matter how much therapy or how many different things they try? I feel like I'm just not fixable because I fail at everything and while some of you might think I'm being too dramatic or whatever, it doesn't change anything. I've been trying to change all my life, even before starting therapy, I just wasn't aware I was doing it because I was so naive and still a kid I guess in my mind. But I can't make friends or find someone who'll love me or get a job or finish school. I've failed at all those things. No one hires me, I can't keep interested or impress them, for that matter. And school is just a big joke. The one thing I've managed to do is tell my parents about my homosexuality but I figure that would've come anyway some time or other so I can't count that as a real victory. My therapist has been fighting to keep me thinking positively but every time I start to and it looks like things might start to change, I do something to mess it up or life just happens to mess it up for me. I notice a lot of people here *****ing about their therapists and at least I'm thankful that mine is really considerate and honest but I just wish I wasn't disappointing her so much! I'm so bloody pathetic! I can't drive like a normal person because I keep getting into accidents. It's like I've been made to fail..ever since I was a kid, I could never keep with everyone else. So I'm wondering if there's a moment when it's just enough..when someone can't be fixed because they're just broken to the point where nothing works anymore? But I think it's just me. Therapy would work if I wasn't so pathetic and useless that I can't do anything right. So I feel bad for my therapist because her hardest to keep this pathetic loser alive when there's just no point to it anymore. I don't even have the guts to kill myself. I'm scared that if I take a box of pills, I'll just end up vomiting. And I'm not into cutting because that just doesn't relieve my pain and it's actually pretty hard to cut deep enough to end it all so..I doubt I'll succeed anyway. I just don't know what to do..if I should ask to be hospitalized or keep walking around like a zombie, seeing other people succeed at something so simple as living a healthy life and fantasizing..
It's so pathetic.

[Sunna]

Three of the people I currently listen to for the words of wisdom and great inspiration were where you've been. Smack flat on the bottom, wishing to die. Too depressed to breathe.

Eckhart Tolle was quite young, living is some squalid human-treehollow in the middle of London, extremely depressed. Well not really living. He had a thought "I can't live with myself anymore", and maybe because he was so messed up it struck him as strange that he can be thinking such a thought. "I"? Who's "I" and how come this "I" can't live with "my self", so who then is "myself". It may seem like just stupid philosophy to you, or stupid play on words without any meaning, but this statement seems to have substance and truth, he really felt that "I cannot live with myself anymore". And rather than offing himself, he went in search of the "I" that was so different from the totally f-up "myself" that it could not tolerate it anymore. By morning he must have found it, because as daylight came in he was overwhelmed by the unbelieveable beauty of everything: a twig, a bird, a crumpled piece of paper. He spend 2 years sitting on a bench in a park, in complete bliss. He writes books now to help us, who are still lost in suffering, depression, worry, loneliness.

This is from a book review:
"So many people live acting through the pain of their past or anxiety about the future. There's this onslaught of inner chatter inside our heads...

I've got to get married by the time I'm 30.
If I just get that job, I'll be happy.
If I can get out of debt then I'll be free.
I've got to make enough money to buy that house.
If I lose weight then I'll be happy.
No man could ever love me.

We become identified with that never-ending voice inside our heads. So we begin to live life unconsciously. We actually become those negative thoughts.

We put enormous amount of stress and anxiety on ourselves because we see life as a means to an end. We're always trying to get something to make us feel better, whether that be a house, car, husband, job, etc.

We define our own worth or success in life by how much money we make, whether or not we're happily married, have enough money, etc. And unfortunately when "that thing" we want never comes, we feel we've failed.

Life becomes a never-ending journey of trying to obtain something in order to be happier or fulfilled.

In other words, we identify with form (our thoughts, material possessions, job and marital status, etc.) instead of being connected with our true inner being at this present moment.

In the book, Eckhart teaches you how to shut off all that inner chatter by learning how to become present. That doesn't mean to deny the fact you need money or want a good husband, job, etc. It also doesn't mean you shouldn't set goals and want to have nice things in life.
What it means is that you acknowledge or become aware of your thoughts -- staying present and recognize that you are not your job status or how much money you make. You are simply the awareness."
( http://www.attackdepression.com/info...art-tolle.html )

I know, I know, you are in torment and I am boring you with some self-improvement guru. You have had probably more of them dumped on you than you can shake a stick at, and they don't help you.

Here is what I think. It's kinda weird, sorry.

All this stuff that you can't manage, the rest of us had some degree of success in. Not all, not 100%, but not the total flat failure like you have been generating. Our partial success keeps us tied to these ideas. We think we suffer because we failed at achieving this or that, so we keep whipping ourselves harder to try more. We do not see that we suffer because we believe these lies.

Is there some part of you that just refuses to fit in in this thing we call reality? What do you know? Do you know that this world is an illusion and those things that your mind has been programmed to believe are necessaru to be happy, are completely unnecessary? Do you know that you could be in heaven, here and now if you could only stop believing that it matters whether you have a degree paper or not, whether someone hires you or not, whether people like and approve of you or not, whether you have a car, a house, a family, money, or a bank account? What do you know?

[emptybee15]

I agree. However, nowadays, they make it so you can barely survive without these things. Whether or not they are detrimental to yourself worth, all these things have become a necessity in life. All the important things are barely thought of.

[Gus1234U]

I just loved your post, Sunna~! how much more positive can a person get! ?? this really gave me a boost, and i hope many many people read it. Best Wishes,,, Gus

[Sunna]

Originally Posted by emptybee15

I agree. However, nowadays, they make it so you can barely survive without these things. Whether or not they are detrimental to yourself worth, all these things have become a necessity in life. All the important things are barely thought of.

Agreed! They do make it so indeed. I have some ideas of who're "they" too, a topic more suited for a different forum.

I am not saying we could all sit on park benches blissing out and someone would feed us, and clothe us, and take us indoors for a night. I think that in the bliss of the now, we can DO anything. We do not have thoughts about how horrible this job is, we do not have fears of failure, we do not have expectations, we do not have comparisons, we do not have fears about other people, and what they may think about us. I could be handed a broom and told to sweep all the walkways in the park and if I do I'll get a sandwhich and that would be the awesomest job that would make me happy. Not that I am suggesting we accept hard labor at slave wages, but imagine going to a job interview with THAT kind of attitude. Interviewing while you DO NOT think of how inadequate you are, and how they can see your worthlessness no matter what you say.

I see how differently people see me when I am in a happy state and when I am not. When I drag myself to the local trail and I am in the depressed/anxious/hating myself mode, people just pass me, but when I am in higher vibration, the bicyclists coming my way look and smile, they do first, I am too tuned in to how great it is to breathe in the air. It startled me a few times, why these fit young good looking people give me such big grins and seek eye contact, what? I walk lighter, I feel taller, maybe in that second or two they pass me they see something beautiful. Yet it is still the same short jiggly michelin body topped with tiny head with some thin hair. Few times I checked my shadow to see if somehow magically I have transformed into a babe. Nope! I just don't feel bad about myself.

[autumn-spirit]

Originally Posted by emptybee15

I agree. However, nowadays, they make it so you can barely survive without these things. Whether or not they are detrimental to yourself worth, all these things have become a necessity in life. All the important things are barely thought of.

exactly my point. thank you!