Advice? Talk to meh :)

I've been looking for a site like this for a while! Hi! I'm natani_girl, and I'm almost 16. Even though I have a general distaste of mankind's tendencies, I thoroughly enjoy talking to people who are decent to me. And, as we know, that does not always mean they have to be sane. So please say hi! I would like to get to know some people!

And now if you please, a little back story. If someone can help explain this to me, please do

I live in a very nice town and my family is well off. I go to one of the best school districts in the country. Even if i feel disconnected and slight irritation from most, I have quite a few friends and a decent social life, even though a lot of people think I'm weird. I've been with a wonderful boyfriend for almost a year and a half, who was my best friend before. I have had some difficulties in my past: my mother cheating with our pastor who was my role-model, followed by conversing with him regularly when he was a bus driver at my school. My dad is an angry person and yells at me and my sisters a lot for our grades, though we do alright in school, which has lead to my sister nearly stabbing him (although that was because she had a phycotic reaction to her ADHD pills). My mother is always stressed out by this and has had weird breakdowns. I was molested by my grandfather almost regularly for a year or so. More recently, my dad got a DWI with a minor and got his license revoked, which means my mom has to drive us everywhere, and my boyfriend has been sick just as long due to a complication with a genetic kidney disorder he has. My family is a little dysfunctional, in more ways than stated, but we do truly love each other.

For about a year now, I've had this intense fix of depression and anxiety. (I took the Depression Test on here and got a 63) Random bouts of sobbing and despair, like the world is going to end, are not uncommon for me. Well, the feeling is more directed towards "The world is horrible and scary and decaying, and my life is just going to be an endless struggle and frustration." I also have a general feeling of not being good enough. Some of it is "I'm not good enough to compensate for the people around me adding their misery to the world." some of it is "I am a burden to the people I love, they would be better off without me." and some of it is "Regardless of your current state, you are only going to get worse from here and ether go insane or become cold and mean."

I have thought a lot of how I would kill myself, even though I know I would never do it because I'm too afraid, and I believe that I will go to hell if I do, which would kind of defeat the point. I have had many nightmares that are either very bloody and involve someone I know getting killed or me getting pregnant and having a kid, which is stressing to me since 1- I have a purity ring 2- I have been molested and 3- I only want one or two kids, if any at all, for lots of phycological reasons.

I go to my school phycologist weekly, but I want to upgrade to a real therapist as soon as I get a job. I don't know if this is normal teen angst, or a normal reaction to the stories I told in the 1st paragraph, but that would almost be relieving, even if a little stab to my ego because I let something that simple go on for so long and so badly. I am concerned because I have a thick family history of mental instability, and I do not even remember being a happy child. Most of my time was spent in silence, ether daydreaming or watching my sister play video games. And I would never forgive myself for any mistake I made.

I apologize for the length of this post, but I really want answers, and I want to be thorough, so someone can help me better. It was also a little way to vent and lay my problems in front of me, even if I didn't say everything I wanted to say due to length concerns. (I have only ever told my boyfriend about my grandpa.) So if anyone has any reactions advice on what could be wrong, please tell me. Thanks, much appreciated!

My advice is to keep seeing your school psychologist and possibly ask for a mental evaluation if you haven't already.

Thank you! How and where can I ask for a mental evaluation?

Welcome to psychcentral natani girl and thank you providing all your history. In order to get an evaluation I think you need to see a personal psychologist or psychiatrist but the 1st would be better, so you need to ask one of your parents to set up an appointment. I'm so sorry you're were abused by your grandfather and have a dysfunctional family. To answer your question - yes all your past family history as well as there being some existing family history of mental illness...all this would account for how you're feeling. I'm not surprised you would be affected by all that's happened to you and witnessing the stress in your house.

I think at the right time you need to tell an adult and your mom about being abused by your grandfather. He could be abusing other kids in your family or extended family and he needs to be stopped. By telling, this will stop further abuse to others. When a child sees their parents all stressed out, they often absorb it and think its all their fault but its not. I think you need more than a school counselor. I pray you get the help you so deserve.

Welcome. It is nice to meet you and hear your story. You have had a difficult time, that's for sure.

It is very good you are seeking treatment now. The treatment tree goes like this:
Therapist --> Psychologist --> Psychiatrist --> Psychopharmacologist. So you're already on phase two, really. I would stick to a psychologist but perhaps if you are unhappy with your current one to find one that specializes in things that effect you. For example, having been been molested you may want to see a psycholoist who specializes in victim recovery for sexual abuse. A Psychiatrist is the full medical doctor who can prescribe meds, and a psychopharmacologist is a psychiatrist who specializes in psychiatric medications.

I agree you need to be evaluated. Best to discover what is going on. Request this of your psychologist. You may need to see a psychiatrist as well.

Remember that suicide is a symptom of something and not an illness in itself. I always say it is lightning in a storm. Sometimes it may be that the lightning is distant, and sometimes it is all around you, but it is only flashes. However, if the lightning strikes, it is very dangerous. So, you must take measures and protect yourself, even if it seems like small rumblings. You can't let your guard down.

And know that you're not alone in fighting these things.

Thank you very much for your input! It's good to know that this is more than just being whiny, which is what some people, and myself, sometimes undermine it as. But at least it's also a relatively normal reaction to what I have experienced. I know that speaking up about my grandfather is what I SHOULD do, but that is definitely easier said than done. However, I am one of the youngest of his grandchildren, and the offense happened when I used to go to his house weekly, which doesn't happen anymore. I know that is not an excuse, though. It's something I'll definitely need to think about. I will take all your advice into account and thank you for your encouragement. It definately makes me feel less trapped and scared!

Ahhh, thank you very much for explaining that to me! It's not one of those things you just go into this knowing, you know? I will definitely find that treatment tree helpful.

I will see how I can talk to my psychologist about an evaluation. However... what exactly is it, and what does it do? Whatever it is, it sounds helpful.

That sounds logical. It makes sense, too, the way you describe suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I have never thought of them as serious, but with your word of advice, I will keep a close eye on them and try to speak up if it gets out of hand. Thank you very much for your help!

Psychological evaluation is non-invasive because at this time there is no chemical test for illness. Although many illnesses (such as depression, anxiety, and bipolar for example,) are biochemical, science hasn't figured out how to test for that yet. Also there is a lot of theory about genetics.

For personality disorders it is even more difficult to understand, such as borderline personality, which doesn't respond to meds but does respond to therapy, so it is considered more of an environmental thing. But people don't respond to the same environmental factors, so they also think there are genetic triggers.

And many things mimic each other or have overlapping symptoms. Many people also have multiple diagnosis.

So for evaluation it is primarily answering questions about feelings and behaviors, and then then the evaluator goes over the responses and has an interview with you. There are many different evaluations so it will just depend on who you are seeing.

That sounds interesting! Thanks for that! I will take that into consideration. I'm sure I would be very interested in the results!