[ja1721]

To me, I've always felt depressed, but I've been saying that it was my "okay" state. I fooled myself into thinking I was okay because that feeling of gloom has been all I've known for a long time. I haven't felt inwardly joyful or satisfied with my life (and this is coming from a fourteen year old). I can still laugh, but I feel as if I'm forcing it. I feel as if I have a facade that just comes on automatically. I have now made the decision to feel what I really feel- gloom. I want to show people how I really feel. No more ingenuine happiness. I want to convince my therapist that I've always felt this way and that I have other symptoms of depression. I feel as if the joy has been sucked out of my being and my life. I sometimes cry just because of feeling depressed. I am always fatigued. I have difficulty concentrating, sometimes. I feel guilty for myself. In fact, I hate parts of who I am because of it. I experience memory loss. I feel anxious and overwhelmed. I feel trapped in my own shame, darkness, gloom. I feel imprisoned by my own emotions. My sleep is very broken up. I rarely sleep all through the night. I'm in 9th grade and my latest progress report was horrible (that's that's day I started cutting). I usually spend time in my room alone. I push away my sister because I want to be comfortably alone. I feel as if I can't think when someone is around. I also have a porn addiction. I have started cutting. I feel as if I want pain. I don't know why. Cutting is becoming something I look forward to. I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to in my daily routine. It's always the same. Is there not anything more? I feel that I do have a purpose, but that I'm not fulfilling it. No one understands and I feel absolutely alone. I also have random pains on my body in places that are not affected by any trauma or injury. I feel hopeless when it comes to the gloomy feeling. I sometimes feel suicidal, but I don't plan out how I'd do it.

[shezbut]

(((ja1721)))

Have you ever mentioned how you're honestly feeling with your T? Has he/she ever seen areas that you've cut? What about your parents or sister? Just curious if you wear a mask always or if you ever let it down in front of certain people.

I assume that someone knows that you are struggling (which is what got you into T), but perhaps doesn't know the extent. I began seeing a T as a pre-teen, due to chaos in the home. As far as I recall, my T's didn't pick up on self-hate or suicidal ideas until my life really became chaotic!

I would recommend being upfront with your T. It sounds like you're starting to push limits now, perhaps to see if anyone will react emotionally. If you're cutting in hidden areas, you need to come straight out and tell your T. Believe me, your T is there to help you. Their whole mission at the job is to help people who really need it. The trick is getting yourself to go in without a mask ~ and share precisely what you've said in here to us. Print the page and read it (if that feels more comfortable for you) once the door has closed and you've sat down.

Carrying the heavy luggage doesn't get any easier as we age. Letting these thoughts and feelings out now will really help relieve that heavy load. Maybe not automatically and super-fast....But a lot better than carrying that full weight around wherever you go. You do deserve to feel good. You are a good person. None of us are perfect ~ we all commit "sins" (imho). You don't deserve a life of misery. Trust me...you really do not deserve it!

Gentle hugs given to you. Please share what you've written and felt with your T.

[kaliope]

Well you have definately hit on most of the symptoms of depression so if you want to convince T you are depressed, do as Shezbut says and print out this post and bring it to your next session with T. I think the only one you missed was weight loss. you could google Becks Depression Inventory and take that and bring it in to her as well. It is an inventory counselors adminster to clients to gauge their level of depression.

Anyway, advocate for yourself and let your T know how you really feel. Good luck.

[Suki22]

it's great that you're seeing a therapist, but perhaps you should try seeing an alternate therapist? If you can't get through to this one/don't feel completely comfortable being 100% honest with this one, you may want to see who else is out there that may understand a little better? thanks for sharing.

[di meliora]

Hello, ja1721. Print a copy of your post for your therapist.

[ja1721]

Thx guys

[Imgettingbetter]

Originally Posted by ja1721

To me, I've always felt depressed, but I've been saying that it was my "okay" state. I fooled myself into thinking I was okay because that feeling of gloom has been all I've known for a long time. I haven't felt inwardly joyful or satisfied with my life (and this is coming from a fourteen year old). I can still laugh, but I feel as if I'm forcing it. I feel as if I have a facade that just comes on automatically. I have now made the decision to feel what I really feel- gloom. I want to show people how I really feel. No more ingenuine happiness. I want to convince my therapist that I've always felt this way and that I have other symptoms of depression. I feel as if the joy has been sucked out of my being and my life. I sometimes cry just because of feeling depressed. I am always fatigued. I have difficulty concentrating, sometimes. I feel guilty for myself. In fact, I hate parts of who I am because of it. I experience memory loss. I feel anxious and overwhelmed. I feel trapped in my own shame, darkness, gloom. I feel imprisoned by my own emotions. My sleep is very broken up. I rarely sleep all through the night. I'm in 9th grade and my latest progress report was horrible (that's that's day I started cutting). I usually spend time in my room alone. I push away my sister because I want to be comfortably alone. I feel as if I can't think when someone is around. I also have a porn addiction. I have started cutting. I feel as if I want pain. I don't know why. Cutting is becoming something I look forward to. I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to in my daily routine. It's always the same. Is there not anything more? I feel that I do have a purpose, but that I'm not fulfilling it. No one understands and I feel absolutely alone. I also have random pains on my body in places that are not affected by any trauma or injury. I feel hopeless when it comes to the gloomy feeling. I sometimes feel suicidal, but I don't plan out how I'd do it.

If your therapist isn't "with" you or you aren't feeling a connection, then you may want to try someone else.

[needfixing]

i agree with iamgettingbetter!
seek another t and be honest with yourself and t.