Missing

Finding a way to describe myself in words, has always been difficult for me, but i'll give it a go...

I thought I had accepted some things in my life, varying from things that I probably can't change, to things that I know for a fact that I cna't change because its either not realistically do-able or for some other reason.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I've never felt so low, without harming myself, so even though i've managed to keep myself away from that, it doesn't help as much.

I haven't talked about it much to other people, as I genuinely feel like i'm handling it in completely the wrong way. But i've never understood the whole grief thing. I've had people die on me before, but i've been able to handle it. When its someone so close to you, someone you've missed for so long. To find out thier gone, its heartbreaking in a way I can never explain.

Something else that really put me out of joint today was a remark about a very good friend of mine who is gay as being a monster. Not exactly much of an insult I know, and she just brushed it off and genuienly forgot about it within a minute or two. Its the fact that 1) She forgot about it within a minute 2) People can be so horrible.
I know it wasn't directed at me, so i can expect someone to say "well it wasn't you so why are you getting so upset over it" Its because i love her to pieces, and always will.

I've had such a bewlidering range of emotions today, i feel physically exhausted. Anger, sadness, depressed, anxious, fearful, numb, cold, happy, confused *tears hair out* I wish it was just today, but after a month of not really knowing what to do with myself.. I'm starting to feel a little lost..

ACQPL, Sorry you are having a down day. The young lady who added a burden to you by not understanding with sensitivity is called "being an imperfect human." I think we all fit into that catagory.

Yes, I lost my closest friend of many years a couple of years ago. Incredible sadness, but I cherish the fact we both loved one another, she always made me smile and I admired who she was so much. I spoke to her quite often in her last year, living miles apart unfortunately. She already had her diagnosis that last year of her life and I knew beating the odds was not likely.

Hope you feel better soon. hugs, bj

Very true I think we all do fit into that category.

Someone find me a mind map to figure out where the $"%"* i should go ? ><

I'm sorry you're not having a good day :/ It's hard, I know. Unlike you, I'm the kind of person who tries so badly to change things, even when I know it's not possible. Lately, and more constantly than ever, I've been finding myself cry a lot more. I don't know what to do with myself. I always put myself down, I never look at the positive sides of things, I'm a failure to myself. All I do is disappoint. I'm glad that you don't let remarks get to you as much. Whenever I see someone whisper or say something insulting, I assume it's about me and all I want to do is run away forever. I'm hopeless. I don't know where I stand or why I'm still living...

Manda ~ I can't let remarks get to me as i know from experience it just turns me into a complete wreck...
Yes I know how you feel with a lot of what you say, however I've had to ignore a lot of it inside myself now, just put on the face, carry on.. it kills me inside..