[peaches100]

I've started to notice that I'm the kind of person who needs to be in emotional pain. I don't know why, but whenever I start to feel calm, good, or happy -- before i know it, i find something to feel bad about, worry about, stress about again. It has taken a long time to figure out that it's a pattern, and that i am causing it. But what i don't understand is why would i do that to myself? I mean, it feels awful to be constantly stressed out, worried, sad, anxious, etc. So why would i make myself suffer that way? What could be the reason for me not to let myself enjoy my life and feel good and happy?

[shezbut]

Wow peaches!!

Noticing that about yourself is fantastic!

I do the same thing myself, making myself miserable. The cause, for me, is self-hate. It took a surprisingly long time for me to figure this out too! I now understand that I blame myself for growing up in an unhealthy dysfunctional family. So, the shame and self-hate is deeply ingrained in my psyche. It's not an overnight fix.

I have to somehow learn to accept myself and my past before any real changes occur in my life. That's not to say I won't allow happy moments. I do allow that occasionally. The time, however, is brief and I don't allow myself to completely let go.

[JLarissaDragon]

I think you have made a great discovery in your journey to understand yourself. For me pain had come such a part of my daily life that it felt like something was wrong if I did not feel sad about something. I really have had to make a conscious effort to try and break the cycle. I still feel that way sometimes and I often over react emotionally to negative people or influences in my life. Yet when we know about ourselves we have a hope of overcoming the things that constrict our lives. I wish you well Hugs and love -- Larissa

[missbelle]

Larissa;
You hit the nail on the head. Often victims of domestic violence after it is over and they are safe somewhere..and I mean months or years after, have a hard time dealing with the quiet. They are so used to chaos that anything different seems wrong.
When we are happy, contented, serene, either we feel like the other shoe will drop anyway, or we do not deserve the happy feelings.
You can change this thru therapy and focusing on the good stuff and using positive affirmations. It will take a while for your brain to reprogram itself but with therapy and work on your part you can change and realize you deserve the happiness and serenity and its o.k.