[idontknowwhattodo]

i am holding so much anger towards my mother. i hate her so much it scares me. id rather not post why again, but if you need to know read my biography. which, by the way is only part of it. i hate her so much for what she did to me and my family. and the worst part is i want to forgive her and i want to let go of this hatred and anger. i dont like feeling this way, but i dont know how to get rid of it. i work out a lot but it seems that only works for a short period of time and as soon as i get my energy back, the bad emotions come back too. its worse when im at work because i cant help but think about my past when im at work. i have no idea why. but as im working i think about the things shes done to me, specific memories, and i get so angry and i want to let it out somehow but i cant. not only because i dont want anyone to see me angry or upset, but im scared to let out my anger and scared to feel everything. everytime i let myself be angry or let myself cry about my past, i get a rush of emotions that is too horrible for me to handle, then i go numb because i cant handle it.
am i crazy?
what can i do to help myself?

[Moodysmood]

This level of hatred towards a family member truly needs to be worked out with a professional. There is, I feel, no other way. I understand the anger and hatred because I've felt that toward my father. I feel a large part of who I am as a female is because I did not have a strong male role model growing up and I had a lot of mixed experiences with men up until now (I am 33). I have seen random men as ...gosh this is harder than I thought it would be to post ... but sometimes even in the arms of some random guy that meant maybe nothing to me, I would feel that connection I was missing, simply because of the gender. I both fear and respect men because I understand my vulnerability.

Please see someone about this. I've let my anger go destructive in the past and I needed professional help and classes that were mandatory for me as a result. You'll feel so much better if you get it out to someone who can help you cope. I wish you well. Hugs!!

[shezbut]

(((idontknowwhattodo)))

What horrible emotions and memories to be working through.

I second Moodysmood ~ working with a therapist would be most helpful for you.

In my opinion, DBT might be the most helpful to you. This type of therapy teaches us the differences between situations, interpretation, physical reaction, emotional reaction, and how we respond. The situation may improve or worsen significantly. DBT also teaches the many different emotions that human beings feel from time to time.

Very gentle hugs to you ~ hope that you get into see a T very soon. Do ask about DBT group asap.