What A Week Handling Aging Mom

It is astonishing to me how much I still want my mother's approval -- even when she is in early dementia and raving and I am 64.

I have been trying to get services to her apartment; she is 87 and dying of COPD. I knew getting Social Services involved meant that she could be put in a hospital without her permission; but since she won't listen to me, I had to risk it.

And she was indeed placed in a hospital against her will -- with malnutrition, dehydration, renal failure, ulcers, and bed sores.

Because she refused to sign medical proxy or power of attorney before this happened, I had no authority to get her out. I have been working with nurses, a psychiatrist, and three social workers to find our her health and what can be arranged. She wants me to get her out, NOW, right this minute.

Is she grateful for my endless phone calls from the state where I live to fix a situation she brought on herself?

Not at all. She shouts and orders me. "Get up here. Now. I am YOUR MOTHER!"

I see no reason to fly up there to be verbally abused.

She slams down the receiver. "I disown you."

Huh. There go my dreams of being Princess Wants2Fly, inheriting the castle in Poland, the summer house in Austria, the fabulous family fortune and private jet.

Yet, yesterday when I called and she disowned me, again, I found myself crying in my office on and off for hours.

Working with a counselor, I actually experienced approval from my mother during the last five years. How desperately I wanted that all my life.

Now that she is incapable of rational thought, how idiotic to expect her not to revert back to her old patterns of browbeating me endlessly.

I did not have to accept being her guardian and releasing her from the hospital as soon as I can arrange care, but I have. She is, after all, my MOTHER.

Most likely will have to be taken to a home, very much against her will, eventually, because her condition will continue to deteriorate.

My aunt, her sister, says well maybe she will have lost so much mental capacity by then I can just take her by the hand and say, "Come on, mom, I have to take you to a new place to live."

I'm not counting on it. Some dementia causes violence, and she is well on her way.

And I love her anyway.

Is that unconditional love? Co-dependency? My own form of being deranged?

Huge Hugs {{{{{{Wants2Fly}}}}}} Tough situation to be in, but you're being the best daughter you can inspite of what she says about it!

I'm so sorry ((((wants2fly)))))))

Just be with her and when she does pass on you will have no regrets.

Your seriously in my thoughts,
Do something for yourself during these stressful times,

Peace to You,
Crew
oh, nice to meet you

Difficult situation.....I fully understand on several accounts.

My grandmother had alzheimers & she was the mean kind that beat up my grandfather with her cane because she thought he was someone breaking into her house. My mother couldn't handle making the decision & arranging to have my grandmother assessed & have a decision made about how to care for her.....so I ended up figuring out how to get her taken care of.....she had a worn our hip replacement that needed to be replaced.....so I talked with her Dr to have her mental capacity assessed while she in in for that surgery & told him what my grandfather had been going through. They took care of the Dx of alzheimers & help us arrange for a nursing care facility for her to go into...one that was very clean & nice.....one my grandfather actually ended up in the lesser care end of when he could no longer take care of himself......go figure, they celebrated their 75 wedding anniversary together in that nursing home......as they both lived to be over 95 years old even with her alzheimers. It was sort of sad to have to trick her into going into the hospital to finally get her situation taken care of but you have to do what you have to do.

With my mother is was a bit different. She ended up having blood clots in her legs from the lymphedema after her cancer surgery. I am sure she had a stroke just before we celebrated Thanksgiving together for the last time.....she was no longer able to think rationally & her cognative ability was not there for anyone who knew her.....but the hospital refused to test for the possibility of her having had a stroke......so they let her come home to her own home because it was where she wanted to go & that was when the horrible abusive home care person got into the picture (long story I posted here when it happened back in 2004). My mother was at her home for 5 days when all the trauma hit & the final straw was the home care person OD"ed my mother intentionally on her morphine which allowed me to get my mother out of the house & back into the hospital where she needed to be.......3 more weeks in the hospital & I found a nursing home close to my house for her to go into & I told her that her house wasn't able to handle her in her condition....the toilet kept backing up & it was just impossible for her to stay there & I physically couldn't care for her.....told her at that point she didn't have any choices left even though I know she wanted to stay in her house, we had given it a chance & we shouldn't have even then. I know that her mind was gone because she kept asking me when she was going to get better even after the Dr's finally told her that her cancer had spread.....she was so completely in denial is was really sad. I think the sadest part was that growing up, I always thought that my mother wasn't very smart & I remember her commenting that when I got older, I would see just how smart she really was......sadly, I never did. She was always making poor choiced & unwise decisions & never knew how to really take care of herself even though she was proud of the things she could fix after my father died.

It's truly UNCONDITIONAL LOVE you have. I know they had it for us when we were growing up, it just didn't come across like it most of the time. When dementia gets in the way....all you can do is hold onto the acceptance that you did receive & know that was really your mom & not the dementia effected person. I know it's tough.

I loved my mother, but at the same time, I hate her for what she put me through because of her stupidity at the end of her life let alone all that she kept me from doing when I was growing up because she didn't have the self-confidence to get her drivers license until the same time I got mind.......but those things I have to let go.....they are in the past....it's much harder to let go of the stupidity at the end of her life even though I know she had a stroke even though the Dr's refused to prove that she did & blamed in on her being chronically ill......her oncologist at that time wouldn't even admit that her cancer was spreadiing & kept insisting that he got it all with the surgery a few months earlier.

The Dr's, my mother, & the whole sithation was a nightmare & I was living in the same state & was actually staying with her 24/7 by that point.....another thing that made me a bit angry because I had an injured baby foal I was needing to take care of at the same time all this was going on with my mother.....it's no wonder my stress & anorexia landed me in the hospital for several months at the time she died.

It's not easy being the child caring for the child parent but unfortunately it seems like that's the way it goes if they live long enough to get old.

Life isn't very pretty when we get older.....I just don't want to do to my daughter what my mother did to me.

I remember fighting with my mother about her needing someone to come into the house & make meals for her & make sure she was taking her meds correctly.....she swore she wasn't in pain & yet was popping the pain pills like there was no tomorrow & getting them from several Dr's at the same time. When I saw how many pain meds she was taking while swearing to me that she had no pain.....I told her that she could either be honest or I was only going to allow her what the prescription called for. She fought having anyone come into her house that she didn't know because she was afraid that they would see just how bad she really was.

Hate to say this, but the condition they found your mother in.....there is no way she should go back to living alone & I don't trust home care people farther than I can throw them.....unless they are bonded & working for an agency & those are really expensive.

I can really understand your struggle & it really does bring back all the bad memories that I experienced with my mother......& I am so sorry that you are having to go through this along with the abuse again.

Wants2Fly ~ It's NOT co-dependency, regardless if you want her approval. She's your mother and you've loved her all your life. Yes, I'm sure there were hard, bad times growing up and I'm sure you experienced a lot of hurt. I yearned for approval from my mother too, but I never got it. That NEVER meant that I didn't love her. Sometimes (I thought) that I hated her -- but I really knew better.

You LOVE your mother. You are doing what is in her best interests and you're doing the very best you can, regardless of how much she may protest. She'll shout some horrible things at you! But please KNOW that she doesn't mean them. She just doesn't realize what she's saying -- not really. She just MAD -- mad at her body, mad at the 'system,' mad at the hospital, and mad at the world.

So don't punish yourself. Know that you're doing the RIGHT thing!! You're being a GREAT daughter!!! God bless you and my prayers are with you and her too! Keep us posted, ok? Hugs, Lee

Iowa Farm Girl, Crew, Eskie, and Leed, your love and compassion is overwhelming. Thank you for sharing your experiences and kindness with me. I so needed to drink from this well of understanding.

Flying north tomorrow to deal with the problem in person. When my mother cried like a child yesterday afternoon, I could no longer follow the social workers' advice to let them handle it. She must feel so alone and scared.

I have an aunt who cared for her mother-in-law and husband with mental deterioration. I started to ask her, "How do you explain to someone that she cannot go home (most likely) when she really does not seem to understand." I stopped in the middle, but my aunt knew exactly what I was trying to say.

Eskie, thank you too for putting so much that I am grappling with into words for me. All the emotions.

I am so lucky to have my aunt and y'all to hold my hand and lead me through.

Wants2Fly ~ Please know that our thoughts & prayers will be with you. I know this is going to be difficult for you. "Mom" will undoubtedly want you to take her home, and we all know that isn't going to be possible. I hope you've found a good home that is able to take care of her.

Being the child of a dependent parent is a very difficult thing. My ex-mother in law was very dependent, and we did have to put her in an assisted living home. She could be quite a handful, and there was no way WE could take care of her. She could be sneaky too -- she had to be watched, and I was working at the time, so that was impossible.

I hope that once she is settled into her new place, that you feel less worried about her -- less stressed. At least you will know that she is being looked after, being bathed & fed properly, and given her medications in a timely manner. That always worried me about my mother in law -- she took too MANY medications, and she got loopy! Once she went into the home, she started making sense!

Anyway, we'll be thinking about you and hoping things go well. God bless & hope you have a safe trip. Hugs, Lee

I have not experienced this yet but my parents are in their 70s now, my sons are young adults, and I am not very financially strong. I fear not being able to help my parents when they eventually need it.