[Matsudoki]

Hmm, I really don't know how to start this. . . I guess I'd like to say that right now things aren't going well for me, and I don't see them getting any better. (This is going to be a very long post, so please bear with me. I'm typing this at 4 AM in the morning, and I feel like I'm losing control of everything. . . )

I'm a Senior in high school starting in fall, and I hardly have any friends, much less a relationship. I believe I might be an Avoidant and a Dependent at the same time, which is conflicting because although I feel the need for attetion and affection, my shyness and fear of social rejection are too great for me to try talking. I guess that started way back in middle school, possibly elementary school when I was picked on and bullied for liking things other kids considered "geeky" or "nerdy." Plus, it's never helped that all my life I've been a student with a 4.0 grade average and I've always been better at most subjects than my peers. Also, I'm extremely close to my mother, looking up to her as a rolemodel over my inconsiderate, overweight and bossy father.

I feel awful a lot of times, even though I try to mask it in public and in front of my family, since whenever I have tried to come to them for comfort, they would pass off my problems as just something hormonal or some other excuse. I've never gone to therapy before, and I believe I could really use some.

A lot of times I feel socially inadequate when talking to others, feeling like my voice won't come out right or I'll say something without fully thinking it out first, making conversations awkward. Also, considering how few people in my area share similar hobbies as I do and many of them frown upon such interests, I feel hopeless in making conversation.

Although that would leave those who do have the same hobbies to look for, unfortunately there's also a problem with that, too. You see, I met someone, (we'll call her "Fox," ) who was very sociable and very friendly at the time. Fox seemed like a nice person, so I made friends with her and everything was fine. She invited me to a club where people of our interests could hang out and have fun, she introduced me to many of her friends, and I thought the friendship would work out. But then Fox didn't turn out to be such a great friend, as I would do nice things for her, but when I needed her, she never helped me once. I felt neglected and mistreated, but I continued the friendship anyway.

To make a long story short, the friendship ended poorly due to relationship problems causing our friendship to rip apart, and also causing me to lose tons of possible friends simply because they took her side of the story over mine, because they were her "friends," too. ("Friends" being a relative term, as most of them didn't realize or care about the fact she was manipulating them.) Sometimes Fox still bothers me like we're still friends, though, and I play along to appease her so she won't gossip to other people that I'm not nice, (which she's gossiped about me before several times.) So now I'm left only with the few people that can half tolerate or don't tolerate her, either. I try to be friends with them as well, but it seems we're just friendly acquaintances any way you look at it.

The only real friends I ever seem to have are online, but due to being born in a technophobic family, my parents refuse to accept my online friendships as true/real friendships. Plus, my parents refuse to let me date online, either, as I feel they've both watched one too many "Dateline" episodes and fear anyone I get in an online relationship with is atrociously not who they claim to be. I also really don't like where I live and hope to move away from this place, since my allergies are awful and the weather here is too hot for my tastes.

Overall, I'm hopelessly miserable and I can't stand where I am right now because I feel so lonely and uncared for. Also, my parents blame my Avoidancy for the fact that I don't have anyone to talk to or be friends with, which only deepens the hurting I feel. A lot of times I've lashed out at them for treating me like that, but usually it just leads to them taking away my electronic devices so I can't talk to my online friends for comfort, either. I've thought about suicide before, but as far as attempting I tried to choke myself once but chickened out because part of me tried to give me just a sliver of hope for a future. Nobody knows I've ever tried about it, and my parents accused me for lying when I told them I've thought about it.

I. . . honestly have no idea what to do anymore. I want to be able to talk to people, I want to be able to make friends. I've thought about maybe going back to the club where Fox goes and just try avoiding Fox in every way possible, but I know my parents would get upset if I did something like that. My parents are extremely controlling over my life, and sometimes I think they might be the reason why I'm in my current situation. (Ex: When I was younger, my mom told me to wait until people talked to me first; she told me that long, curly hair was beautiful even though I was teased, bullied, and outcasted for it in school; my Dad's been a HUGE negative, bullying jerk and if it weren't for the fact he earns our family money, my mom would've divorced him years ago. He's been a jerk even as I'm typing this right now, yelling at me and threatening me to take away electronics for staying up so late. He hasn't looked me in the face at all, otherwise he would see that I'm silently crying right now. )

Please. . . Any help or advice would be deeply appreciated. I don't know what to do anymore, since I can't seem to please my family and be happy at the same time. I wish I wasn't here right now. I wish I was older and on my own so maybe I could live a happy life away from my family instead of being trapped in this miserable cage of a home. TT^TT

It may be time to have a long talk with your parents about you having a little more independence in your life. Do you have a summer job that might give you some outside time and maybe buy some electronic devices of your own?
As for going back to the club... that sounds like a good idea. It's a chance for some social interaction. I'm not following the parents logic of why it was okay to go before but isn't okay now but that's something you may want to talk to them about. Anyway there comes a time when a parent has to allow a child to begin getting some independence and experience making decisions. Something else you will want to add to the conversation.
There are a few people here that are into anime if you think you might like to stick around and be part of the community. And there is a good array of resource material and personal experience here that might be of help. I hope you come back and join us again.

Originally Posted by Matsudoki

Hmm, I really don't know how to start this. . . I guess I'd like to say that right now things aren't going well for me, and I don't see them getting any better. (This is going to be a very long post, so please bear with me. I'm typing this at 4 AM in the morning, and I feel like I'm losing control of everything. . . )

I'm a Senior in high school starting in fall, and I hardly have any friends, much less a relationship. I believe I might be an Avoidant and a Dependent at the same time, which is conflicting because although I feel the need for attetion and affection, my shyness and fear of social rejection are too great for me to try talking. I guess that started way back in middle school, possibly elementary school when I was picked on and bullied for liking things other kids considered "geeky" or "nerdy." Plus, it's never helped that all my life I've been a student with a 4.0 grade average and I've always been better at most subjects than my peers. Also, I'm extremely close to my mother, looking up to her as a rolemodel over my inconsiderate, overweight and bossy father.

I feel awful a lot of times, even though I try to mask it in public and in front of my family, since whenever I have tried to come to them for comfort, they would pass off my problems as just something hormonal or some other excuse. I've never gone to therapy before, and I believe I could really use some.

A lot of times I feel socially inadequate when talking to others, feeling like my voice won't come out right or I'll say something without fully thinking it out first, making conversations awkward. Also, considering how few people in my area share similar hobbies as I do and many of them frown upon such interests, I feel hopeless in making conversation.

Although that would leave those who do have the same hobbies to look for, unfortunately there's also a problem with that, too. You see, I met someone, (we'll call her "Fox," ) who was very sociable and very friendly at the time. Fox seemed like a nice person, so I made friends with her and everything was fine. She invited me to a club where people of our interests could hang out and have fun, she introduced me to many of her friends, and I thought the friendship would work out. But then Fox didn't turn out to be such a great friend, as I would do nice things for her, but when I needed her, she never helped me once. I felt neglected and mistreated, but I continued the friendship anyway.

To make a long story short, the friendship ended poorly due to relationship problems causing our friendship to rip apart, and also causing me to lose tons of possible friends simply because they took her side of the story over mine, because they were her "friends," too. ("Friends" being a relative term, as most of them didn't realize or care about the fact she was manipulating them.) Sometimes Fox still bothers me like we're still friends, though, and I play along to appease her so she won't gossip to other people that I'm not nice, (which she's gossiped about me before several times.) So now I'm left only with the few people that can half tolerate or don't tolerate her, either. I try to be friends with them as well, but it seems we're just friendly acquaintances any way you look at it.

The only real friends I ever seem to have are online, but due to being born in a technophobic family, my parents refuse to accept my online friendships as true/real friendships. Plus, my parents refuse to let me date online, either, as I feel they've both watched one too many "Dateline" episodes and fear anyone I get in an online relationship with is atrociously not who they claim to be. I also really don't like where I live and hope to move away from this place, since my allergies are awful and the weather here is too hot for my tastes.

Overall, I'm hopelessly miserable and I can't stand where I am right now because I feel so lonely and uncared for. Also, my parents blame my Avoidancy for the fact that I don't have anyone to talk to or be friends with, which only deepens the hurting I feel. A lot of times I've lashed out at them for treating me like that, but usually it just leads to them taking away my electronic devices so I can't talk to my online friends for comfort, either. I've thought about suicide before, but as far as attempting I tried to choke myself once but chickened out because part of me tried to give me just a sliver of hope for a future. Nobody knows I've ever tried about it, and my parents accused me for lying when I told them I've thought about it.

I. . . honestly have no idea what to do anymore. I want to be able to talk to people, I want to be able to make friends. I've thought about maybe going back to the club where Fox goes and just try avoiding Fox in every way possible, but I know my parents would get upset if I did something like that. My parents are extremely controlling over my life, and sometimes I think they might be the reason why I'm in my current situation. (Ex: When I was younger, my mom told me to wait until people talked to me first; she told me that long, curly hair was beautiful even though I was teased, bullied, and outcasted for it in school; my Dad's been a HUGE negative, bullying jerk and if it weren't for the fact he earns our family money, my mom would've divorced him years ago. He's been a jerk even as I'm typing this right now, yelling at me and threatening me to take away electronics for staying up so late. He hasn't looked me in the face at all, otherwise he would see that I'm silently crying right now. )

Please. . . Any help or advice would be deeply appreciated. I don't know what to do anymore, since I can't seem to please my family and be happy at the same time. I wish I wasn't here right now. I wish I was older and on my own so maybe I could live a happy life away from my family instead of being trapped in this miserable cage of a home. TT^TT

[Taonuviel]

I can't tell you anything about making friends because I'm not really any good at it myself. But I can tell you how you can handle suicidal problems if you have them in the future - you go around your parents and call 911. It probably won't go over well right off with your parents, but if they won't listen to you and believe you about suicidal thoughts then you need to take action on your own. If you have to make the difficult choice think of it this way: "is it worth trying calling 911, maybe getting my parents upset a while, maybe ending up in a hospital a little while - things that will pass - for giving life another chance?" The rational response is yes, the temporary trouble is worth the chance at living.
And life can change a lot if you give it the time to do so. You're not that far from being able to make your own decisions on clubs, internet relationships and treatment. You'll also have the chance to get into college with other "brains" with whom you can relate.

[Perna]

I feel like I was a bit like you in high school. My advice at the advanced age of 61 :-) would be to remember that you have to "practice" relationships like any other skill. No one is born being good at them, yes some people are more "naturals" just as you sound like you naturally get good grades, while other kids may have to work harder?

So, I would not get down on myself for poor social skills if I have not been in many different social situations and have not tried different things for myself but have just sort of found an accidental one friend and let that carry me to others. If you want to make friends, I would join a few groups, whether you like the subject matter or not, you may think you don't like chess or basket weaving but if you have not given it a serious try, maybe there's something in it for you; one of my favorite books in the whole world ended up being a book about weaving (I am not a weaver, and have never even tried weaving) and, analyzing it, the "ideas" it gives me, how it makes me think/feel are what I like, not the weaving, per se. That only happens if we're "moving", out-and-about I call it. Looking out the window at the weather is one thing but is not the same as being out in the weather? Yes you have stood in the rain before but you have not stood in this rain. One of my new slogans I'm trying to put into practice is, "The map is not the territory". If one has not had many relationships, there's a whole new territory to explore?

My second piece of advice would be to see if you can wait until you get to college or work/out in the world a bit yourself after next year? When you are on your own more, have to learn to rely on yourself and get along with people in your dorm, etc. a whole lot of learning can take place about getting along with other people and there's a whole lot more opportunity to explore things more to our liking and make more personal choices (of what to study), etc.

[bsnatched]

Hey you, I am not going to pretend to be the advise guru. Especially since I am feeling a lot of the things you are feeling & I am 52. (don't look it, but it is what it is. hehe) Anyway, I am a very social person & always have been. I am one of those people that you see in the store or in school or where ever and you feel immediately comfortable with and will make you smile even if you are determined not to. Now that can be an issue in itself but I don't want to go into all of that except to say a few things. Because, right now this is about you. But believe it or not, they do coral-ate. My daughter, now 26, is a very beautiful talented woman. She is one of those girls that you look at and say, wow I would do anything to meet her. Also, as a mom, I am thinking she is so much prettier and smarter and on & on than I was that she has got it made. Very far from the truth. And as a mom, let me tell you I was completely in-tuned with everything with my only daughter. Let me put it this way, if 2 people came up and told me a story about what she was or was not doing, I could listen to each one and with 99% accuracy could tell you which one that she actually did. Even being extremely intuitive It took me until around a year or so after she graduated to figure it out. She was not in the social crowd, she didn't have many friends, she was unhappy all the time, she never went to a prom or dance, on & on. She was great at finding all the misfits and was skipping everyday from the time she was a freshman. She is what I would call a cave dweller but then she would do things with out any fear of the consequences. Bottom line is, she hated HS with a passion, she was extremely shy and uncomfortable talking with people, she hated being judged and kids that she thought were pretending to be something that they weren't. (so actually she was judging them) But on the other hand, most of the other kids thought that she was stuck up and vain because she never talked or smiled & had this crappy look on her face. (them judging her) So, as a person who was always very social, in every activity from cheerleading, drill team and sports plus always having a friends and boyfriends, it was extremely hard to understand what was going on with the bad attitude and her completely anti-social behavior. There is no doubt that I made a lot of mistakes and said a lot of the wrong things to her growing up because I also judged my daughter based on my ideas of how I perceived things were suppose to be. She, like you, felt very isolated, wanted to have friends and very unhappy. She ended up finishing her senior year in an alternative school that was completely on-line. Now, she loved that & did it in half the time. To me, that would have been like a death sentence. But, i can completely understand your feeling comfortable with people you meet on line. And, maybe that is something you have to do for right now. But, don't let that be your life. In the environment that we live in, it is very important that we learn to interact with others because it's is extremely important that we can read and evaluate to the best of our abilities other peoples body language and facial expression in order to figure out whether they are trust worthy and honest etc. to know if we want to have them as friends or deal with them on personal oron business levels. Parents, believe it or not are just trying to wing it the same as you. They weren't born with the knowledge or is there a Dummies on How to Raise Children. I am pretty sure they love you, the same as you love them but don't necessarily like them either. One thing I never did was underestimate the powerful influence or the importance that HS has. It will be the basis of all your future relationships.

I, myself, is as long winded as you are. These are very hard years but try to hang in there. They are learning years in order for you to come into your own once you leave. I know it seems to go on & on but believe me one day you will wake up and all the sudden your 30 and you won't remember what happened for most of your HS years. You will have times that it is all good & then those times that are just crap. So be observant & learn your lessons! Unfortunately, it never ends. I have probably learned more of life's lessons in the last 4 years than I have my whole life. Ugh! And the only way you will be able to weather, is by your attitude and your positive outlook. there will be times your on top of the world & the next down in the gutter. But don't give up, (reminding myself too) You'll always have days of extreme happiness & days of total sadness. Hang in there & let me know if you want to talk at anytime. good luck

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is youer than you".