[anon61514]

Hi guys!

Lurked for a few days, seen some stories, chimed in every now and then. Figured I'd give it a go.

My medication is listed below, I've never been given a 'diagnosis' (with one exception) as my Psychologist doesn't like diagnoses (Psychiatrist and GP didn't offer one either).

Last year, when I was almost paralytically depressed, I was given a letter advising my academic department that I had Major Depressive Disorder, and currently undergoing 'pharmacological intervention'.

Since then, I've been quite a lot better. Began Lamotrigine earlier this year, it really seemed to take the edge off my mood - but there are still things that worry me. I'm often told by psychologist not to over-think things, and to be certain not to assume a negative trait is a result of a condition, rather than just a part of me - something that I believe to be very true (it helped me a lot in working through how I deal with people/present myself).

Depression is still here every now and then (I've got a 3-week cycle theory in which my moods shift slowly - above and beyond sudden mood changes as a reaction to stimuli).

All of this I can handle, the things that I want to work through (and get some opinions on) are:

1. Intense suicidal idealisation, repeatedly, every day - accompanied by graphic imagery (hanging or wrist slitting generally, the latter being the most disturbing imagery).
2. Strong sense of jealousy, accumulating in a strong anger/irritation and verbal lashing out.

3. Instant dissipation of above jealousy/rage if 'given in to' or being told 'ok I won't go/won't see them/won't do it'.

4. Once it's dissipated, I give consent and feel no negativity about the person doing the thing that triggered the jealousy.

5. Lack of empathy on things that don't relate to me, or affect me. Girlfriend comes to me in tears about her childhood pet being put down - no 'actual' emotional response (externally I was caring/nurturing).

6. Similar to the jealousy, when I am 'slighted' or 'diminished' by people I lash out intensely (verbally) and attack them at weak points (something which has effected many friendships this year).

There is more, but the above are what really bother me. I apologise if I trigger memories of abusive partners, etc, or if I come across as a psychopath. I do feel emotions quite strongly, but rarely about others.

Thanks for reading, and congratulations on having such an amazing community - the amount of support you guys give each other is really heart-warming

[anon61514]

(Just want to add that the terms like narcissistic rage, etc - were NOT attributed to me by a mental practitioner, I studied psychology for a few years and so use the concepts without necessarily qualifying for them medically - I am not an expert and even if I was, wouldn't want to try diagnose myself!)

[here today]

I was just recently working on rage with my therapist. I don’t express it much but it’s frequently “there”. You don’t have to be a psychopath for narcissistic rage to be an issue. According to my therapist it’s a defense for sad, diminished feelings of loss. And if you have accumulated feelings like that from childhood and/or even a specific trauma, the inability to tolerate loss and “diminishment” can still be with you as an adult.

You mentioned “pharmacologic intervention” but do you see a therapist or counselor also? I have a diagnosis of PDNOS (in addition to DDNOS but that’s another story) and had a lot of ineffective therapy before I got to my current therapist. So I guess I would advise going a little slow with any counselor you might try. Getting to the underlying original hurts can be painful, but this stuff probably isn’t going to go away without help.

Like I said, it doesn’t mean you’re a psychopath, though it may feel like it (I know). Real psychopaths don’t care. And if you think you may have another personality disorder – many therapists still don’t diagnose them. In my experience those are some who are also least likely to be able to handle them well.

Good luck!!

[anon61514]

Thanks for the reply! I've been told before that I'm probably not a psychopath :P but sometimes the way I process information seems a bit... abnormal. (Also, it only becomes a problem in my eyes when I've been confronted/disowned as a result of my controlling evil ways [slight exaggeration]).

I see a Psychologist at my University's Counselling Centre, and the Psychiatrist supervisor for our Psychology department, my GP also has various certificates and diplomas around mental health issues.

I haven't been to therapy in a few months because we reached the stage where it felt I'd said everything that needed saying, and that I should try 'apply' some of the things realised. Many improvements, but whenever one thing gets better, it just makes these core issues more noticeable to me - and makes me feel out of control (which irritates me - 'Emotional Inhibition Schema')

I did email her earlier this week to begin appointments again, so I will proceed with that. Also - I think she'd be able to handle it, its more that she finds them destructive and unhelpful to the patient (at least at a University level). I have a few friends that began to 'act out' to suit their diagnoses, so I can understand that.

She's the best one I've had, had a few therapists between 2009-2011, before seeing her at the end of '11.

Hope you're right about the defense mechanisms, as opposed to the... violent tools for control that a severely mentally ill individual might employ.

[here today]

In my case, several years ago things got really, really awful and I felt "possessed". Since years of therapy for lesser depression hadn't helped I decided to take the possibiity seriously and consult an exorcist. That didn't help, either, and in fact he thought that most people who felt possessed needed to see therapists. So back I went.

I'm not saying that others don't see my behavior as "evil" sometimes. For the most part I can inhibit the acting out, turning on myself instead. But when it does get out, it hurts them, and I'm not caring about anybody except myself at the moment, even though in general I do care about others. Nevertheless it's confusing.

There is a part of me who very definitely doesn't care about anybody but herself/me. I don't know if the notion of "parts" feels right to you, but maybe it will help. Bringing the "evil" part into therapy and having my therapist (a specialist in dissociative disorders) accept that part has been helpful to me, too.

I don't feel that I AM my diagnosis. For me, it's helpful to know what is "wrong" with me because something definitely has felt wrong inside. Not wrong in a social sense but wrong in a it's-not-functioning-well sense. It's helpful to me to see it as an illness, or a problem in development -- like maybe a fractured arm that didn't heal straight. And I'm way past blaming my parents for the blankety-blank fracture -- my parents did the best their (fractured) selves could do, doctors wouldn't have known how to set it anyway, at that time. But I'm hopeful that some of the new therapies will help.

Good luck with your appointment!!