[Mindinpieces]

This is just me putting it out there yet again what and why I feel the way I do and really it’s just jumbled emotional rant.

I know you’re not meant to mention this next thing and well I only ever hint at it if I bring it up. My whole life is just that of one where ending it is the only right thing to do for myself, for others close to me, for those who I just indirectly impact. Sure argue all you like it’s so call in my head, assuming things, reading between lines or globalizing, second guessing but that’s what the rest of you and others, T just tell me to put me at bay … really this is like being put on hold when you phone that bill company how many times have you been put on hold and still that’s all that ever will happen the next time you call. However when trying to deal with myself and emotions etc. just leaving it is just as bad and being put on hold by those who try to help and then again when that doesn’t work it’s just all your own fault again for not giving it enough go or just wasn’t the right time etc.

I have had it with the constant tears and shaking and head ache and other things that you don’t want to mention to your doctor let alone online…However I will just this time of having over two week of stomach upset is just enough to make anyone feel utterly disgusting let alone you feel that bad without any psychically side effects to back it up what you think and feel anyway. This is brought on from anxiety provoking thoughts and situations and only occurs at those times.

I am sick of the constant guilt but still that’s never enough and nothing ever will be because I am just a horrible and disgusting waste of existence and life. There is only one thing I don’t get, I don’t want to live or care for living but I can’t end my living. I am too scared. why? I guess I like to punish myself and living like this and carrying on doing this is a hell of a punishment.

There is nothing good or nice about me I am just inferior and evil so it seems I hate being around others when all that happens is a guilt trip of there doing this or that and blah blah blah and there horrible me who can’t cope and just should remove themselves to save the other people from seeing or being around such a disgusting and horrible person. The worse thing is I agree with them but I can’t ever change or rewrite what’s happened and moving on from this point in any hope of changing this is next to nothing and that’s never going to happen for me.

awww sorry you are feeling so bad.

that's great you are reaching out though. very good step

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Mindinpieces

My whole life is just that of one where ending it is the only right thing to do for myself, for others close to me, for those who I just indirectly impact.

You do not get to decide what is "right" for me (others). Living is not about doing the right thing; it is about doing what feels right and good for one's self. But being dead is not about living so, like the future, is best not contemplated much as it can't be of much help in how to live well.

Yes, death can stop hurting; but it's like a using a stick of dynamite to clean up a dirty kitchen; it may seem like a good idea but you end up with no kitchen in the end, not a better, cleaner one. I would ask for help and focus on the tasks of living rather than being philosophical and contemplating death.

[shezbut]

There is one absolute law in life: Change will occur!

Whether we like it or hate it, changes will still occur throughout and beyond our lifetimes. The trick is to accept that fact and work towards making little positive changes within your world. Are your current tactics working for you? It doesn't sound like they are making you real satisfied with your life.

Maybe you should therefore try something that you would ordinarily resist ~ reach out for help from professionals, to help you get to a better state of mind. Hopefully, that will give you more strength to slowly try a couple other small changes within your life. And the train (you) keeps chugging, making the trip (life) easier and more enjoyable.

I'm not saying that going to the hospital will immediately turn your life around. It will get a better picture of what the problem/s is and come up with plans to help you work through the problem/s.

It doesn't sound as though you have a clear head right now. More like you're kind of stuck in the negative side of life. (I know that side very well myself. ) Gentle hugs to you...

[Leed]

Why do you have "constant guilt?" i used to live with alot of guilt too, but I did something about it. I made amends. Is there some way you can make amends too for the pain you caused?? Can you apologize to whomever you hurt? If not, there are other ways. Do you believe in God? Ask God for forgiveness -- It doesn't need to be in the form of a prayer. Just talk to Him. If you're sincere, you'll get your answer.

And what on earth makes you think you're some horrible, evil person? Unless you're a serial killer, you're WRONG! You are NOT disgusting, horrible or evil! You're a good, sensitive person who at this time happens to be HURTING. It's this disease that is telling you lies! Right now, you sound so terribly depressed that your mind is telliing you all SORTS of terrible things -- and they are ALL lies. Don't believe them. Believe THIS --- you are a great person who is hurting and needs help. God has forgiven you for any past mistakes. And God LOVES you --- He doesn't and never HAS made junk -- you were made in His image, as we all were. You are a vital, important person and were put here for a reason -- you just have to figure out what that reason was, like the rest of us. It takes time.

Please seek the help that you need. A good therapist would do wonders for you. Sometimes seeing 2 or 3 is necessary before we find the RIGHT one. But NEVER give up. Never!!! God bless you my friend, and please make an appointment with a therapist. And keep US posted too, okay? We CARE. Hugs, Lee

[Mindinpieces]

Thank You for those who have replied... I can't really think or form answers at the moment about myself but I am slightly better emotionally however psychically I feel ill and worn down. To be honest some days I try not to think and just block any thoughts out thats what today is like.

[Mindinpieces]

@Shattered sanity I hope you are well yourself and feel you can reach out when you need to.

@Perna re it’s doing what feels right instead of what you think to be right. Nothing is right or feels that way for me. Every time I do something nothing fits feel good in anyway. It’s always I should not have been there or I am in someone else way. Like it would be right for them to do that but for myself I feel as if I am never where I should be and I think I missed my chances long ago for feeling right for doing something in the moment rather than backing up that thing with right reasoning. I don’t consider there being a time when I will feel I am doing what feels right for myself anytime soon or in the future.

@Shezbut re change will occur. I know change happens and before I always valued myself as a person open to change and going with the flow and situations as they come. However since one things quite significant my whole views and ways of interacting with people were crushed or smashed.

In other words some would say I got what was coming to me. I guess I viewed anything good about my thought process before that as delusional or maybe that once you change one thing, sometimes it can never truly returned to its original state. Sure it can be as good as new or near enough to how it was before. With myself I thought before a few years ago I accepted this and was working on moving on from this accepting what had changed and that didn't matter to me at the time. However that faze so to speak never lasted long enough. I can't really accept myself now nor will anything significantly improve or cause a lee way into allowing some flow from that train to chug so to speak.

As for the seek help this does nothing for myself because I can't accept or work with the therapies that would help me and medication is not needed for myself personally. I have had cbt. I am sure it works for some and please anyone else who reads this I am not saying therapy is wrong or doesn't work or won't be of use because it is and can be of use to so many. However this is regards to me and therapy and personally that doesn't with my view and ethos to others and how it can be of use to me. I just end up picking the processes to pieces or constructively arguing back how that doesn't fit or work for me rather then moving forward. So for any hope or ability to just function regardless of what you think of yourself and just be able to be around others doing the basic to survive in life without a constant personal battle between how and what you are like while working and bickering between co workers because they can't just leave you alone but then it's your own fault for reacting and constructing yourself that way in the first place but they set you off and result in you not being able to calm down or think less paranoid thoughts which are not paranoid when they made it an issue and are constantly bickering and whispering etc.

@Leed re constant guilt. I am guilty for being in a car accident and barely having any injuries when in theory it should have kill you. I hate the you don’t know how lucky you are to be alive or why is it she of all people live when so many others who derive to live die. Like I said I know what I am like as a person and I am sorry in some small insignificant way. Maybe now you will change your mind and agree with the rest that that tiny voice so to speak is right I should just do what would make amends for this and end my life….. I CAN’T DO THAT FOR SOME STRANGE REASON…. I AM SCARED OF DOING THAT to tell the truth. I always thought I was scared of not doing this properly and then having to face people once move and I would have made things so much more wrong then. But the truth is I am scared to try in the first place which is wired considering I don’t like nor enjoy living and never really have much throughout my life.

Another way I though as making amends was just having my job which I had to leave and just paying the bills and doing that which is a basic thing many do. I never wanted to be around nor impact on people job wise or have a career which involved to much impact or working with other in regards to triggering other and myself. But I could do that nor have that and it seems this will never be a thing I am capable of letting myself have or make amends in some strange way or just living and getting out the mass majority of peoples way but to live you have to be around some small unfortunate few who have to or will have to put up with knowing and being around me.

It doesn’t matter what I do next because I will never be able to stop myself from thinking nor feeling this way about things and therefor the chances of ever changing myself and behaviour or being able to do what expected of you are slim and so my chances of making some amends in ways I see fit. I don’t know if anything will make amends and this isn’t something simple but complex I guess to just get out of those way and just do what expect of me for a person my age is what I consider to be amends in some way.

As for god I did believe in a god once but I do not consider myself religious nor do I practice religion myself or feel this would help me getting through these thoughts. I do though still like to believe there is something more out there be it a god or something we call a god.