[carmely316]

This has been on my mind lately. . . bear with me. I'm verbose, yes, but I'll get my point across eventually.

"Truth without love is cruelty. Love without truth is a lie.'

Sometimes I wonder if, when developing and growing, I missed some fundamental block where my compassion ought to be. I find it incredibly hard to relate with people... and people come to me to talk, unless I have a solution or can sympathize (which is not very often) I don't know what to say. Often, I've been told that I'm cruel and selfish. I don't think I'm selfish... Lord knows, I try not to be. I give and I give to the point that it causes me pain in many areas of my life, just to feel a sense of connection with anyone but there's something in me that makes it hard for me to identify with other people when they are in pain- even when I know the source of it.

For example, my mother is going through a very messy divorce. She's always asking me to call her and she begs me to initiate conversation with her but most of the time, she's a sobbing mess. I see an obvious solution to her issues but she doesn't want to do it- even when many other people have told her the same. Now, I can't speak to her because I don't feel any sympathy for her... I feel like she's done this to herself and now, I have to just let it run its course but really... I wish I could sympathize. I wish I could make her feel better-- but truthfully, I have nothing to offer.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm some sort of emotional sadist. Every time I try to think of instances where I have been cruel, I can't recall feel satisfaction or any sense of happiness about it. After it happens, I feel terrible about my inability to identify or even feel an iota of compassion. I've always said I was an advocate of tough love... it's what people who are close to me have called me. Unfortunately, it has also cost me a lot of friendships. People don't know how to take me because I don't commiserate, I don't offer compassion.

What's broken in me?

[Leed]

I don't thinik you're broken at all! For instance, in your mother's case -- you can't feel a lot of compassion for her because she's done this to herself. That's a normal reaction -- if she caused this herself, who COULD feel alot of compassion, especially when you've offered reasonable and sane advice, and she doesn't want to do it? It sounds like she just wants to wallow in her own misery and just wants someone to enable her. I don't like enabling people either. That bothers me, and in fact irritates me. LOL If you ask for advice, and then refuse it -- then just don't ASK me -- leave me alone! LOL I'm not going to offer sympathy to someone who caused their own misery. KNow what I mean especially when they should have known better.

And there are times too when it is difficult to offer compassion -- or perhaps the KIND of compassion the person needs, because you haven't been in the position that the person is in, or haven't experienced the same thing. It's hard to know how someone feels if you haven't been there or done that. You can try to "be there" but sometimes that's not enough for some people. But that's all you can do since you dont' now what they're going thru. If they reject you for that, it's not YOUR fault.

I too am an advocate of 'tough love' when it is CALLED FOR, but it depends on the situation. Of course you can't use it if someone has just lost a family member. But it is definitely of use when dealing with an addict/alcoholic or a rebellious teenager!

Don't be so hard on yourself. You aren't broken from where I sit. I think you're an intelligent, "feet on the ground" person! Give yourself some pats on the back. And accept yourself the way you are -- I don't think you're so bad! I think youj're pretty darn good!! God bless. Hugs, Lee

[opilione]

I can be the same way. I think of myself as having ASPD for that reason and others, but I've never been officially diagnosed or anything.

At the same time, I think that there are possible experiential correlates to my "condition", which is similar to yours. Because of that I'm moved to ask a question:

When you were growing up, did you experience a reliable stream of emotional warmth--from anyone--that was unequivocally genuine? that was consistently paired with truth? and that followed you into dark corners--even those of your own design? My thinking is that, if you truly experienced that kind of warmth and compassion, it may have become a part of your emotional programming. Perhaps, if you were like me and experienced for the most part the fruits of others' sociopathy and questionable "compassion" while growing up, you simply didn't have the experiential foundation to adopt a more ideal emotional composition.

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional; I'm just a self-curious and self-conscious person on a mission for understanding.