[doyoutrustme]

I've been in therapy for about a year because of depression/anxiety, and a lot of pent up issues, including trust issues.

I tend to be a suspicious person and I tend to suspect him as being untruthful at times. He has been nothing but supportive and rock solid and I came a long way but...

Last week, he was a no show to our appointment. I left him a message asking him if we had an appointment and left the office, a little buit stupefied. It is very unlike him. I went out to run some errands in the area and saw him doing some shopping. I did not make my appearance know and ducked away.

I went home and about an hour later he calls and appologizes saying that we did indeed have an appointment, but he was pulled into an emergency, and the nature of it was that he would have been unable to call, which he would normally do. He offered to reschedule at various times, but I was still put off and declined, saying I didn't have time, and we would meet next week.

So I KNOW that if indeed he lied, it was only to protect the both of us from embarassment. But being lied to in a relationship that is built on pure trust and support feels wrong. I'm debating whether to bring this up tommorrow, when we meet again.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he has a look a like, maybe I am imagining things.

Any thoughts?

[Leed]

That would upset me too. That would make me feel so unimportant to him that he felt he could just push me aside so he could go shopping! Maybe he DID forget he had an appoiintment, but somehow I find that a little suspicious. Therapists are usually careful about their appointments. But there's always a mistake to be had. He could have missed it and looked at the wrong day.

The fact that he LIED tho about having an emergency is really stinky. Why didn't he just tell the truth and say he missed it? That WOULD shake my trust in him.

I think I WOULD pin him down and say something only in order to KEEP my trust in him. if you let him get away with this lie, you'll never be able to trust him again. I hope you DO say something! I'll be with you when you do!

God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[doyoutrustme]

I'm a coward, I didn't. But this is still bugging the crap out of me.

Hi watchmeimflying - i would bring this matter up as soon as you feel able too. You need to explain that you're in a situation where you require mutual trust and that you feel unnerved by what you saw. I wouldn't openly accuse him or demand an explanation. To be perfectly honest he could well have been in an emergency situation and then on the way home quickly did some shopping. Or he could genuinely have forgot and saved himself the embarrassment by lying to you instead. You'll probably never know know so questioning him further is rather pointless. Instead of focusing too much on the actual events i would discuss how you will move on from the situation i.e. you would like a more open relationship and that you understand if he forgot and its ok for him to tell you so in the future. He probably doesn't want you to feel unimportant to him. The issue will only fester so if you can't talk to him openly maybe leave a message or write him a note? I hope this situation resolves positively for you. All the best.

[doyoutrustme]

I feel like on the one hand, from an accusatory point of view, there is not point.

In a transference point of view, if I tell him that I feel that when he has an emergency my gut reaction is to assume he is lying, we can work through it and maybe I would grow as a person. But the sticky part is is that in this instance there is a good liklihood that I was right this time. :/

[Miswimmy1]

Definatley tell him about it. Yes it might be embarassing, but he is used to dealing with tough situations and he will act accordingly. I agree that a relationship that is built on trust must have honesty. You are going to keep that in the back of the mind for a LONG time, if you dont bring it up. and you are going to just hurt inside by not talking about it. It is going to come out sooner or later, either when you can't hold it in any longer, or now, so you might as well voluntarily talk about it. I know its tough. but i really think that it may have been an honest mistake. T will feel bad about it. and maybe the way he deals with it will actually help strengthen you guys' relationship.

[susan900]

Originally Posted by watchmeimflying

I feel like on the one hand, from an accusatory point of view, there is not point.

In a transference point of view, if I tell him that I feel that when he has an emergency my gut reaction is to assume he is lying, we can work through it and maybe I would grow as a person. But the sticky part is is that in this instance there is a good liklihood that I was right this time. :/

Hi there,

Maybe he did forget-but don't want to say that's what happened. He might feel bad about it and that's why he couldn't feel able to tell you, as this would be upsetting for you.

Hope you can sort this out. Good luck.

[jelly-bean]

He may very well have forgotten or didn't see it on his schedule he is only human and can make a mistake. However, lying was not the way to deal with it. Like the others said, you should question him about it. Tell him what you saw and how you now feel. It's best to get it out in the open so you can continue to get good therapy with someone you can trust.

[ECHOES]

Both things could be true. The emergency he was called away to may have ended before he stopped to do some shopping. I agree, I would have to tell him that I saw him and let him explain it.

[-jimi-]

If it had been me and if I had been in a pretty good mood, I would have told him that everyone can make mistakes. That everyone can forget or mix up days, especially if many things are going on at once. I would say I don't break because you forget about me, I don't take it personally. So if it ever happens again, you can be truthful.

It might be therapeutic for him.

[SoupDragon]

I think our work with T is partly about teaching us how to interact in a healthy way with other people in our real life. So that time with T is about practising these skills.

Although it may therefore be really interesting to raise this with your T, maybe there is also insight to be gained if you don't feel able to raise it with your T. I know my T bangs on about things not being right or wrong, but it is just our reaction to things that we should have a real interest in. In life people will always disappoint us and it is our reaction to this that we can learn to have control over.

All of that above is my rational head talking , I know for me there is also that strong, mostly overwhelming emotional bit that would be feeling really hurt if I was faced with that situation.

I guess what I am trying to say is that yes maybe you would learn a lot about you from talking to T about what you saw, but maybe there is stuff to be learned anyway, whether you bring it up or not.

Soup

[yellowted]

I would definitely have a conversation around my difficulties in trusting people, that it takes a lot for me to trust people like i trust him, and how it makes me feel when people lie, that i handle the truth much better than finding out i have been lied to no matter what the reasons are. having this conversation should encourage him to be truthful to you in future and if he is not then he will be aware through your reaction to him that you know he has lied to you.

me personally once i have let a person know my feelings around being lied to, if they lie again i cut all ties to them immediately, if they insist on a reason why, i tell them straight because you lied to me. lying is an instant dismissal on my carers contracts. there is no excuse for lying.

[likewater]

I agree with everyone that you need to talk to him. the shopping could have had something to do with emmergency or maybe emergency happened before shopping. Or he could have lied, but things won't be right until you two talk about it. I'm sorry you were hurt. May angels surround you.

[JLarissaDragon]

There are all sorts of possibilities as to why he missed your appointment. It is possible as someone suggested that the emergency had already ended when you saw him shopping. You will never know until you talk about it.

I know I would have a hard ti me bringing it up too. My nature would be to just let it ride but that would not really be the best. You can do it gently and give him a way to save face rather than grinding his face in the dirt with confrontation.

Unless you are totally willing to put it out of your mind forever, which would seem unlikely for most people, talking about it would be far more productive and give you the resolution you need

[-jimi-]

I think he forgot. I mean sometimes things aren't mundane, any weird thing could have happened to set him off balance and forget. Maybe he had promised his wife picking up something and forgot and she scolded him and he tried to repair that and forgot all else... LOL.

Reason is why I think he forgot is if you have something booked these days and need to cancel it is so easy to reach people like he probably have your cell number.