[Rorisan]

For the last two weeks, I have felt like I have been rubbed raw. That anything said to me - with good intent or not - causes some visceral response to attach the speaker with a vengeance. The only people who seem to be immune to it are my kids, because I am not yet sick enough to attack my children. My grandma died last week, and it was partially because of her actions that I was violated so egregiously as a young child, which is what turned me into the complete whack job that I am today.

I feel so confused, because I resented the **** out of her for so long. Now I sort of feel bad for holding that against her for so long. I miss the good parts of her now - how good she was whenever I was sick. How I almost had to kick her out of my hospital room after my first child was born because she made me laugh so hard I thought my staples would pop. How she was the person I went to when I found out my Daddy was dead. How she immediately took my head into her lap and stroked my hair until I fell asleep.

I don't know. I feel very angry at every one around me, especially my family. The real tricky part is...I'm not sure if everything I'm going through right now is totally about her being dead...although that is probably part of it. I think that her being dead is making me relive my dad dying. And I hate it, because even though it has almost been ten years, I'm still completely pissed about my dad dying. I don't really understand what I'm going through or how to deal. Anyone have any suggestions?

[Leed]

Bless your heart. I'm so sorry. It's so difficult to deal with death. It sounds to me like you never really fully dealt with your father's death -- that you never fully grieved. Some of us don't know HOW to grieve. And that can cause problems later.

I'd suggest speaking with a grief counselor. That can make a world of difference. You can contact one thru Hospice. It doesn't matter if you've used their services or not -- a counselor will be happy to talk to you. There might be a fee involved, but it's more than worth it. I don't know how much it is, but I don't think it's very much. I really do hope you'll call and make an appointment, because I really think you would benefit from it. Grieving does make a differrence - and some of us need help.

Best of luck to you and please tkae care. God bless! Hugs, Lee

Much of the way you feel I feel against my mom. I purposely moved 2,600 miles from home without telling her or most of my family. They, are also the cause of most of my problems as an adult. I know I will come to regret my decision, but for once, I had to think of myself. Your confusion will abate with time. My dad died three years ago. I hadn't been close to him for years due to my mom. She would always say such horrible things about him and make me want to stay away. I didn't realize until after his passing that it was her the whole time, and now it's too late to get back the time I lost with my dad. Take care. I'll be thinking ouf you. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.