[ryuken]

I failed to be social with many of my attempts and here is one more time how it went. I usually get social by chatting about random stuff and all. (I suck at gossip or even any type of argument, I just get neutral POV and defensive in some cases). Here's one incident that happened to me.

I was walking the street and met one of my classmate near the busstop. He usually don't talk much with me and usually acts like give n take and in the air type friend. This time he did stopped and provoked me to answer some of the question related to my life, he was not interested in my answers but rather was just buying more time. I realized that he was just asking this stuff to use me as timepass till his bus arrives. By the time I realized this, he got the bus and he got into it and just said - okay then good luck with life dude.

I did realized over the course, I was being used like this on many places. Its just that people around me are not that good then again this happens in corporate world all the time. It's that I know this and I don't get angry about it because everyone including my family is doing this.

If I show anger or denial to play with them, they act as if something wrong is with me. They act as if i should play with their tune all the time. I once replied - "what do i get by entertaining you or talk to you for your timepass?" . Facial expression from people who got that answer from me was quite shocking.

I guess i breached some unspoken teritory and breaked social law of not directly talking about it. It's like society is moving on such unspoken rules where we use each other and should not openly talk about it, we can avoid being used but can't retaliate as it will make us look paranoid or disturbed to such social people.

What do you think? How do you avoid being used by others? Is there any pointers for me to improve?

[tigerlily84]

Are you saying that they act like this during every interaction, or just occasionally? If it's everytime you speak with them, then I'm sorry to say that they are not your friends. It's okay to tell them that you are not interested in just entertaining them if they don't really care about what you have to say. It's called a conversation because it requires two or more people to actually converse.
I think that maybe these people don't even realize what they're doing is hurtful to you, so that's probably why they were shocked when you pointed out their behavior. Good for you for standing up for yourself, that's always hard for me.

I know where your coming from. The world is just so fake in their interactions. No one is truly a friend. Generally people speak to me to pass the time (for them, not for me) or to get something from me. It's apparently human nature. It makes me feel so UN-human at times. I feel like I'm the only one who gives a d*** about interacting with others on a 'real' level and they're all fake. I don't know how to overcome it than to accept that people suck. Sorry you are being used in life as well.

I'm missing something, here. Were you waiting for the bus, too? I don't understand what the problem is, here. I believe that what you were doing with him is what is called 'small talk.' Every friendship, boy friend, neighbor, co-worker, heck, even stranger at the DMV, everyone I have ever formed a real connection with began with small talk.

Most people that ,as you said yourself, you know only slightly, are not going to share the private areas of their life with you, or you with them. Personal stuff is normally reserved for the very closest acquaintances.

Nice weather, isn't it?

-Fleeing Bellocq

[ryuken]

Are you saying that they act like this during every interaction, or just occasionally?

every interaction. Even my sisters or brothers friends talk as if I am some timepass tool. It hurts me to give harsh answer in defense and they make faces as if they accomplished with the job of provoking me and making me get on my defense. It feels weak to fall prey to their word traps. I know they are not my friends but you know we have to call them as either classmates, friends of friends etc to address them properly while explaining.

Were you waiting for the bus, too?

No. I was walking on my own for some work I was given.

I don't understand what the problem is, here.

Problem here is - stopping me to ask some questions that makes me uncomfortable and entertain them. They just do the timepass and make fun, sort of like intellectual bullying and use it to pass their time. You know people in workplace do to ask question as if they are interested and they don't show it on face and neither they are interested in you, they just ask some questions and enjoy your response and move on. Let's say you know some person from school, while you have nothing else to do and then stopping him and asking him questions based on his some wrong past, emotional health and then act as if you're not interested in first place but asking question to pass time and then move on from the middle of conversation because you're done with him and only needed that person to pass the time as you have something else to do. This conversation was to pass the time. That type of "using people" is the problem.

[chaosrob]

The problem is the perspective with which you have chosen to view interactions. While you view interactions as either one-sided or mutually beneficial usage of two people not everyone interprets these actions the same way. And while you may believe to understand the intentions of one person some of us are odd, and we approach various situations in strange ways which may give off the wrong signals.

I only say this because I agree with you, in regards to the fact that even the "best of friends" are only friends because they have found use in each other in ways such as common interests or necessity. The problem is despite the fact our viewpoints may be valid they are uncommon and inhibit interactions with others.

Despite my best attempts to earn friendships I often find myself sacrificing too much of my time or my money in order to help the other person while little reciprocation takes place. This in turn makes me feel dejected and pushes me further into isolation.

So despite what it is, you have to ask yourself "can I change my perspective?". Otherwise you will likely never find comfort in the company of others.

If I missed the mark I apologize for any poor advice or understanding on my behalf.

[objtrbit]

I realized that he was just asking this stuff to use me as timepass till his bus arrives. By the time I realized this, he got the bus and he got into it and just said - okay then good luck with life dude.

Oh man first of all I want to meantion that it is ****** when people do that...like when some asks "how's it going" yet they don't really wanna hear anything negative or anything other than "fine, you?"-yeah I'm sorry, people sometimes do that.

There is a responsibility on both parties. The person asking the question needs to be genuine in their motives of asking. I'm just a 7-11 sales clerk (I am going to be a therapist though) but this dude threw out there that his mom just died. Most people would be really uncomfortable trying to respond to that-it happens to be my thing though-so I asked him how he's hanging in. Brief interaction, but I think he felt better by a random stranger allowing him to vent for just a second. I bring this up to say that not all people are like this dude at the bus stop, and I'm sorry that you put yourself out there and got abandoned.

As for not having these types of people find you-you'll have to look for healthy relationships, and if your family is using you, it might be hard not to not default to what your used to. Someone who will not use you is going to feel different, probably someone you wouldn't normally hang with-it will likely scare ya at first. People doing positive things might be a good place to start.

I hope you find a genuine friend, or at least someone who doesn't make you feel used.
Take care,
-obj

[kittycat97]

That feeling of being used is terrible. It seems like people only interact with us when they feel like it or they notice us. These people ought to be shot