My therapist pretty much said I wasn't attractive :(

Very upset and distraught right now. I take it very personally if someone doesn't think I'm good looking bc that's a very sensitive subject for me...always has been. I'm 27 years old female. It's just really confusing for me bc there are some people that will say how beautiful I am..then others say I am weird looking or different looking or not attractive at all. I honestly believe that I must be ugly..and the people who have told me I looked good probably just felt sorry for me. I guess makeup doesn't even do anything for me(I always wear it)..I am hideous without it -and with it I am just plain ugly...I am a lost cause..I guess I am just a butter face..I have a nice body but my face is just too out there and ugly looking. This is what my therapist said: I was telling her how I had a bad day at work the other day bc someone told me that someone said I was weird..and it hurt my feelings..and I feel like a lot of people in the world don't like me and are always judging me and it makes me feel bad...and she was saying how they probably don't like you because you don't look like them....and then she was going on saying just because you don't look a certain doesn't mean you're not a good person...and she kept saying how people judge how you look and that's why I don't have a lot of friends bc I am "different looking" and don't have the typical good looks and I don't look like other people. When she said this all my jaw just dropped and I felt so hurt.....I honestly don't think I want to go back there now...I don't get it..I guess I am THAT ugly or something And she was saying how it was a shallow way of thinking but people are like that...but she was saying how I had a good personality so idk..wtf..that doesn't help much She was also saying how it's no surprise that I don't like the way I look..(I never even told her I was insecure about my looks either). I wish I knew how to cope with this..I really do...I am confused..and wish there was a way I could look good..I feel like I'm just ugly and there's nothing I can do about it..how can I accept this? I dont know if I ever will

(((RainbowDays)))

I am dumbfounded that your T would react to your sorrow and confusion with remarks like that. I don't know what point she was trying to make. At first, it seemed as though she was trying to reassure you that you are different (which is often a benefit!). However, when she began reasoning that this was probably the same reason why you don't have many friends because you aren't the typical good looking girl, that blew me away! Adding that she isn't surprised by your low self-esteem just throws logs in the fire.

Completely inappropriate and hurtful! I would recommend that you call and/or meet with her ASAP and talk openly about how much her remarks hurt your feelings. You definitely deserve to be treated with compassion by your T ~ not by strange remarks that make you even more insecure!

If it makes you feel any better, I was pre-teen when E.T. came out 25 (or 30??) years ago. The movie was a hit & my eyes are abnormally spaced wide apart. Kids at school started calling me E.T. eyes, which crushed me emotionally! It wasn't until years later, that I found out that men find my large & wide eyes to be sexy. It took a very long time for me to actually believe that most men actually liked my eyes, because the fear was so deeply embedded within me. Point is, what you may see as a physical fault now may actually be a plus to you later in life! ((((gentle hugs))))

Bless your heart! I'm with Shezbut in that I think your T was way out of line with her remarks. Even if she DIDN'T know you were insecure about your looks, those remarks were uncalled for. That would hurt anyones' feelings! And when you're insecure besides, it knocks you for a loop!

I also agree that you need to talk with your T and tell her how these remarks were hurtful so that she'll know that further remarks of these kind will hurt. She should know about your insecurity about your looks -- and besides she should understand that those kinds of remarks should NOT be said to anyone! She must be an idiot to think that people aren't hurt by insults like this. So please talk to her. She needs to be "put in her place" so to speak.

I'm sorry you had to go thru that. It was totally uncalled for. My thoughts & prayers are with you sweetie. Please take care of yourself. God bless. Hugs, Lee

I know that feeling. When I was 14/15 people (also what I believed very close friends of mine) would just say how I was "of a different kind of beauty" and I would just get pissed off cause I wasn't really begging anyone to tell me I am beautiful, since I have always known that I am quite ugly. This is even worst when your therapist is the one who tells you that.
I would tell you not to think too much about it. I've changed 8 therapists and the only thing they made me understood is that you can't take their words for gold
(Funny thing: My third one had the great idea of telling me -sexually abused by my baby sitter for 7 years) , instead, that I should show more my beautiful female features...and he said that in a way...with a look that I saw in his eyes (maybe it didn't really existed, who knows) that I just proceeded throwing up on his shoes.)

Therapists are people. People make mistakes. People can't even express themselves properly sometimes. People are just too arrogant and mean some others.

Maybe there is a point in what your therapist was saying, but she didn't express it properly.
I read about a study on the characteristics that attract people the most. These are pretty general, and work more with a subconscious way that it's used, for istance, sometimes with certain types of advertisment or commercials.
For example, like shezbut's case, eyes a bit apart are more attractive than very close eyes, or a oval face is generically more attractive than a round one.
But these are extremely standardized beauty canons. Some people are more suscetible to them than others. This doesn't mean that a person with a round face is not attractive.(examples? Catherine Zeta-Jones, Michelle Williams...)
Your therapist offered though a good idea(that people don't look all the same, thank god!),but she developed in a horrible, awkward, and eventually rude way, making you feel like a kind of alien. You should have laughed at her cause she probably didn't know what she was doing and what she said was soooo immature and not worth considering. I don't know what you look like. But what I know is that there are not real butterfaced people =)
Being a woman and not a girl anymore if you don't have a standardized face it will only come for good, since it's surely gonna be more interesting. But whatever is the face you have or the body you have, whenever you feel ugly, just raise your head and feel beautiful. As my granma says "show you are a 100 even if you are a 50, cause what you show it's what people are gonna see".
You have a nice personality? That's so much better of being just a canonic pretty face. Because if your nose is like all the Connecticut but you are proud of that and show yourself strong, you will look a lot more stunning than someone who has a perfect french nose and is completely empty and boring.

A friend of mine works in the fashion business and we often talk about beauty and stuff like that, so mine is not silly bulshit said to make you happy, don't worry =) (also, I don't know you, so I could have just ignored this thread if all I had to say was a bunch of lies =) )

I hope that slightly helped making yourself sure you should have just said to that woman that if she has some freakin inferiority complex she better keeps that out of her work, or it won't be a surprise if nobody will look for her help any further

(((hugs))) looks are only skin deep, ok some people do judge on looks, but the friendships that last do so because of personality, caring nature, thoughtfullness etc. just remind yourself that looks are the first thing to deteriorate and the easiest to disguise.
your skin and bones are just the structure which keeps all the goodness in side safe. would you choose a mouldy rotten sandwich in a beautiful wicker hamper or a deliciously tasting sandwich in a paper bag? most really good looking people are shallow with little personality and even fewer morals, do you really want to be in that category? I too am definitely no looker, but i am proud of my morals, patience, kindness etc.
everyone has hangups about some part of themselves, they are lying if the say they don't. try writing down all your good qualities and bits you like about yourself, then all the bits you don't like about yourself , you will probably find there is more good than bad (unless you repeat the bad ones in different words which i have been known to do when really in a bad place!)
work on expressing your good qualities and less on worrying about what others think about your bad bits, you will find a few people will begin to recognise and respect you for these. but bear in mind that good friends are one in a million so it may take some time for your paths to cross.
if you can, try asking at a make up counter in a department store for some advice on which products will suit youy best, the assistant will usually be happy to spend time with you or even applying some for you, all the time she will be trying to make you feel good by complimenting you and giving tips on disguising any flaws. When she is fininshed her sales pitch you do not have to buy the products, just make out you are not quite sure and will think about them! this is the start of helping yourself to feel good about you again. positive comments from a total stranger often feel good as you know they are not going to be *****y for the sake of it.

I don't know what to say. Don't know what you look like. I don't look exactly average and I heard a lot of crap about it, but in my eyes I have a nice face. It's not that I want to look "attractive", I want to look a way that I'm happy with and suiting me as a person.

Also, I know many places use way too makeup to the point they think the makeup is the face. I hate that. It gives me shivers.

Beauty is a subjective opinoin.
HONESTLY I think many models are ugly because they are too skinny, or have their hair unaturally striaght or curly.
Not everyone is a model. And don't hold yourself up to imposibbly high standards of attractiveness. I think everyone is beautiful in their own way.
This is comming from an artist.

your therapist should not have said that, that is not therapeutic in any way and she should deff be reported. I thought T were people who are supposed to look deeper into a person and lookk wayyyyyyyyy past their looks

Your therapist is unprofessional and should never work in the field again. You are beautiful and unique and shouldn't be concerned with trying to look like other people. Nobody should be dealing with how to cope on being "ugly" !! the only coping your therapist should be dealing with is a change in their profession.

I agree with everyone else's comments. What a terrible thing for a helping professional to say. I'm very sorry you were so badly hurt.

I was once an elite athlete, but a serious injury left me with a permanent disability. I have experienced both beauty and ugliness, in my eyes, as well as others. I learned to accept myself, and even a sense of honor in what I have been able to accomplish since that fateful moment. Many people are repulsed by my disfigurement, but it weeds out those who are shallow, and it has been my challenge to rise above that. True beauty lies in the character of self; all the rest is temporary, window dressing. I wonder how many people, when they grow old, look back on their youth, and wish they had learned this maturing truth, then.

I've noticed that some young Ts assume that all women 25 or older have a problem with their appearance. Don't know whether this is just in vogue or being taught by some popular TV or online T. Too prevalent not to be coming from somewhere.
You might want to be bold since this wasn't your problem until she made it yours.

If ever anyone told you that you are beautiful, I suspect you have a true beauty. Maybe an old fashion Liz Taylor type, not to be seen again this century--not some one of the current teen sensations that have TV sex appeal but not a "face that launched a thousand ships."

I hear of so many Ts lately coming out with one liners that really cause harm. They don't seem to be doing a very good job of listening. When they are wrong, wrong, wrong you NEED to at least say, "Wait, what gave you that idea? It was nothing I said to you!"

Please don't let this T give you a problem YOU didn't bring to her! She got you mixed up with someone else maybe, or she wasn't paying proper attention to your case file.

Roadie