[Kamidogu]

I've returned to PC after a month of absence and I don't feel any better; as a matter of fact I feel worse than I ever have.

Every day feels like a long list of failures waiting to collapse into a singularity of worthlessness on the center of my being, which itself is filled with pain and woe. I can't stop feeling weak, helpless, stupid. Every time I work up the courage to fight and succeed I feel like the whole world turns around and tries destroys me, using their superior numbers, weapons, and tactics to force me into failure.

I long for a death that probably won't come until (A) I'm in my 100's and a vegetable or (B) the very moment I find happiness and wish to keep on living. I've tried suicide but it got me beaten by the police who came to help me and then they rubbed my face at the feet of my problems and laughed at me. (Who knows what they'd do to my actual dead body if they found it) And every goal I set for myself, even the small, implausibly easy ones-- like moving 100 feet in total in one day-- I fail at, as if it were predestined.

I'm the ultimate failure and a huge let down who has done nothing but cause undue harm and sorrow in my long tenure as a failure to all human kind. All I understand is pain.

I sought out companionship and only found lies. I looked for work and only found exclusion. I hunted even the most minimalistic thing to bring a smile to my face and I found dog poop.

I don't understand anything anymore. Everything hurts all the time and I don't feel up to snuff to handling it anymore-- but I'm too much of a coward to take my own life; proving once more that I fail at everything.

welcome back to the forums.

sorry you're not really feeling any better- we're always here to listen

[Leed]

Are you in therapy? I certainly hope you are. If not you should be, my friend.

Are you a little young to be stating that you cause "undue harm and sorrow in your LONG TENURE as a failure to human kind?" Now at my age of 63, it would make more sense, but at 23?? I'm not laughing at you believe me -- I know that's how you feel. But let's look at reality here -- you have a LONG LIFE ahead of you, with plenty of time to make great strides in life. Just because you haven't found your "glitch" in life yet does NOT make you a failure!!!

Due to your depression, you NEED to get into therapy in order to deal with the issues you have. These are what are holding you back - and it's time you took care of them and faced them head on with the help of a therapist. Please get a referral to a good therapist. You won't regret it.

I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Bmee2]

Dear Kamidogu,
Everything still looks dark and hopeless now, but would you recognize a happier time? You write well. i enjoyed your description of your depression...it, unfortunately, describes what i think of my life at the moment too. i do know of happy things however. i enjoy the beauty of flowers, sunrises and sunsets, dogs,puppies, cats and kittens,innocent pre-verbal babies and their laughter. i do not have any pets but someday i hope to care for a doggie. Thus i have to ride through this annoying tsunami of a depression. i hope you find a way to do the same.
PS. Leed makes a good suggestion about therapy. It has helped me find the happy things to hold onto. Please seriously consider therapy.

[edward6]

Sometimes, when I think how terrible my life has been, and is, I think of all of those starving and oppressed children around the world, and I wonder.
It raises my self-esteem to try and help others even though it isn't always appreciated. I'm trying, and that's the most important thing to me.