[WhiteClouds]

Tomorrow will be a year since my grandfather died. Today I find myself extremely angry. Not angry about his death. I'm angry at the response or lack there of from my in laws. Or as i call them lately the "outlaws".

Since marrying my H 13 years ago. I've always been supportive, open, and trying my hardest to be there for them. For every baby born, every accident, hospitalization, wedding, deaths, social organization, etc.. You name it. I have ALWAYS extend condolences, sent gifts, flowers, etc.

When my grandfather died... Not a word, not an email message, FB message call NOTHING from them. Today of all days it has resurfaced and I am mad as hell about it.

How could they be so nasty, cold, yet profess they're so Christian? They're selfish, dirty heated, greedy people. That is what they've taught me.
Now when something happens, I say nothing. Not a word. They now complain more about me.

Is it normal to be so angry about people who behave this way? Why is this resurfacing now. my focus should be on my grandfather. Not on some people who clearly do not give to cents about me.

[mazing]

I'm sorry that they haven't been supportive. I am sorry to hear about your grandfather. Anniversaries are always hard but it will get easier in time It is not uncommon for feelings to resurface.

As for them, it could be a number of reasons and not all of them mean that they don't care. They may have felt uncomfortable or not known what to say, not felt that it was their place or just not realised it is what they should have done. There are some people who don't know how to react to a situation like that. Not that any of that makes it any easier on the individual grieving. Sometimes saying something is better than nothing.

I know personally when my grandfather died I did become angry at someone who seemed to be very insensitive to me grieving and needing time. It took time but eventually the anger faded.

Take it easy as you can over the next few days. Give yourself time to grieve and feel what you need to feel but also try to remember the good times.

Thinking of you

[yellowted]

family especially inlaws can be so unthoughtful. they probably did not know what to do or say, or they didn't want to mention it in case it upset you more. on the other hand if they are like my family then you have hit the nail on the head they are as you say selfish, dirty heated, greedy people! not everyone is nice or good. the thing to remember is you can choose who you interact with even within families. i have cut contact with my immediate family they are detrimental to my wellbeing, but i still have minimal contact (card at christmas) with a couple of uncles, we have an understanding that they do not tell me about my family and they don't tell my family about me. it took a few years for everyone to accept that is how i want my life to be, but once they all got the message life is much better this way.

Anger is a part of the grieving process, it is normal to feel this way about one thing or another, and you are at the prime time for this to kick in. it is probably made worse because it is close to Christmas and that is when families and inlaws should be supportive.

Christians or any religious group for that matter are still just people, they are made up of all types of people, black, brown, white, disabled, able bodied, English, American, good and bad. the bad ones hide behind the religion, that doesn't make them good. have you heard the saying a wolf in sheeps clothing. well that applies to bad people in religions too. just because they proclaim to be Christians does not mean they truly are. I personally do not proclaim to be of any religion simply for that reason. i do however live a good life, i am kind, thoughtful, will do nothing rather than do harm, help as much as i can etc but that is my morals not a religion making me like that. you can give people a costume but you can't change the person inside it.

I know personally that i still find it very difficult to cope emotionally for a week or two around Christmas, Jim's parting day (my partner) and his birthday. my emotions go all over the place, slightly depressed, angry, extremely tired and frustrated... i become a monster!, alternating between overly quiet and blowing my top for the slightest thing, and i am 9 years down the line!

I find it really helps to be kind to myself, I tell myself it is ok to feel this way until the special day is over, then i have to get on living life how Jim would want me to.
I warn everyone at work in advance that i may not be too well and always take tha special days as me days... during the week before i make a wreath of artificial flowers, gather candles etc ready for the special day, i try and organise meetings etc so the week is a quiet one, no late nights because i allow myself crying/thinking time in bed that week. on the actual special day, i treat myself to a special cooked breakfast, a bubble bath, make myself 'pretty' - put on my nicest clothes and go visit his grave, i place the wreath, clear the old things/leaves etcand spend as long as i can (weather dependant) talking to him, and making his grave look loved. I tend to turn off my phone, but once home i call friends who understand so i can talk if i want to or be distracted if i want to be. I always make sure i have a nice meal and bottle of wine in the fridge so i can relax and treat myself in the evening.
by allowing myself this i am then able to carry on living the rest of the year. ok i am sometimes a bit wobbly the following day or two, but that is to be expected, i have just been through an emotional week, but a good sleep and a distraction usually puts me back to normal.

try not being so hard on yourself, it is very normal to feel how you do, give yourself time to grieve, ok not all the time but special times e.g. every wednesday evening or whatever, it will get easier, and as for the in laws.. they are your partners family not your chosen friends,

Some people just really don't have any idea how to handle death and tend to just try to ignore it as much as possible. Not saying that is "right", but it can be the reality.

It is very doubtful though that they remember this is the anniversary of his death as he isn't their own relative. Thinking they would remember this a year later, particularly since they didn't really acknowledge his death when it happened might be a bit unrealistic.

Anger is part of grief. I lost my sister a bit over a year ago, and anger is part of what I go through. It may be your anger at them is really more about your grief for him. That's okay. That's just what we go through.

[WhiteClouds]

Originally Posted by yellowted

family especially inlaws can be so unthoughtful. they probably did not know what to do or say, or they didn't want to mention it in case it upset you more. on the other hand if they are like my family then you have hit the nail on the head they are as you say selfish, dirty heated, greedy people! not everyone is nice or good. the thing to remember is you can choose who you interact with even within families. i have cut contact with my immediate family they are detrimental to my wellbeing, but i still have minimal contact (card at christmas) with a couple of uncles, we have an understanding that they do not tell me about my family and they don't tell my family about me. it took a few years for everyone to accept that is how i want my life to be, but once they all got the message life is much better this way.

Anger is a part of the grieving process, it is normal to feel this way about one thing or another, and you are at the prime time for this to kick in. it is probably made worse because it is close to Christmas and that is when families and inlaws should be supportive.

Christians or any religious group for that matter are still just people, they are made up of all types of people, black, brown, white, disabled, able bodied, English, American, good and bad. the bad ones hide behind the religion, that doesn't make them good. have you heard the saying a wolf in sheeps clothing. well that applies to bad people in religions too. just because they proclaim to be Christians does not mean they truly are. I personally do not proclaim to be of any religion simply for that reason. i do however live a good life, i am kind, thoughtful, will do nothing rather than do harm, help as much as i can etc but that is my morals not a religion making me like that. you can give people a costume but you can't change the person inside it.

I know personally that i still find it very difficult to cope emotionally for a week or two around Christmas, Jim's parting day (my partner) and his birthday. my emotions go all over the place, slightly depressed, angry, extremely tired and frustrated... i become a monster!, alternating between overly quiet and blowing my top for the slightest thing, and i am 9 years down the line!

I find it really helps to be kind to myself, I tell myself it is ok to feel this way until the special day is over, then i have to get on living life how Jim would want me to.
I warn everyone at work in advance that i may not be too well and always take tha special days as me days... during the week before i make a wreath of artificial flowers, gather candles etc ready for the special day, i try and organise meetings etc so the week is a quiet one, no late nights because i allow myself crying/thinking time in bed that week. on the actual special day, i treat myself to a special cooked breakfast, a bubble bath, make myself 'pretty' - put on my nicest clothes and go visit his grave, i place the wreath, clear the old things/leaves etcand spend as long as i can (weather dependant) talking to him, and making his grave look loved. I tend to turn off my phone, but once home i call friends who understand so i can talk if i want to or be distracted if i want to be. I always make sure i have a nice meal and bottle of wine in the fridge so i can relax and treat myself in the evening.
by allowing myself this i am then able to carry on living the rest of the year. ok i am sometimes a bit wobbly the following day or two, but that is to be expected, i have just been through an emotional week, but a good sleep and a distraction usually puts me back to normal.

try not being so hard on yourself, it is very normal to feel how you do, give yourself time to grieve, ok not all the time but special times e.g. every wednesday evening or whatever, it will get easier, and as for the in laws.. they are your partners family not your chosen friends,

Hi yellow. Thanks for your kind words. Many of them rang true for me. I will have to learn how to forgive them. I simply do not know how to forgive. Forgiveness is an art I'm trying to learn. Hiding from them or ignoring people isn't really forgiveness. It isn't avoidance. I have to learn to stop doing that. That is the funny thing about love and compassion, we freely give it. That doesn't always mean you won;t receive pain for a good deed. An ugly life lesson I wish that had never taught me.

[WhiteClouds]

Hi Chris. Thanks for sharing. I now realize anger is a part of the grieving process. I have to learn to release myself from my anger. Today I will spend the day talking with my grandmom reflecting on my granddads life. Thanks again.

Belle

[Leed]

Hi WhiteClouds ~ There is a saying that I try to remember in times like this. It is: "Resentment is the poison I take to kill you." When we continue to resent someone, all we're doing is killing ourselves. They don't know we're resenting them! They don't have a clue we're carrying this resentment around! So we're eating our insides out, while they're just going about their normal business! Darn it ! LOL

You have been so very thoughtful for their side of the family. It seems very cruel of them to ignore the fact that your Grandfather died. What did your husband say about this? Didn't he SAY anything to his parents or remind them that your grandfather had died? He should have said something. Regardless, they should have acknowledged it, and I don't blame you for being angry.

But try to let this go, not for THEIR sake but for yours. Carrying this resentment around is going to make you sick both mentally and physically. It's just not worth it and THEY aren't worth it. Be the bigger person and continue to acknowledge close family relations who pass away. Don't stoop to their level.

I wish you the very best. God bless and PLEASE take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee