[PhaseSeven]

Hello, everyone. The following is a journal entry I wrote that I wanted to share with the internet somewhere appropriate. Maybe some of you can relate to these feelings:

Again last night I had dreams of a life of fantasy. The sort I also have during the day. Where my flaws and deficiencies are lesser and the people I admire also think the world of me. A world where the mistakes I make are of small consequence, and my negligence does not at times hold me responsible for the hurt feelings or jealousy of others. This illusion is a world of love that I find strangely absent when I open my eyes.

I wish I could shed myself of the fears and insecurities that lead me to my compulsively self sabotaging behavior. My brother once told me that I seemed to make things more difficult for myself intentionally, and I know it to be true. Life is a struggle, I feel, and I cannot abide a day at absolute rest. While others seem to bask in comforts, I find worth in my ability to survive discomfort (albeit poorly).

I used to write about how different I was, and how I failed to understand how others could be so shallow or judge so harshly. Hypocritical, at best. Now I see I was also equally critical of the foolishness of others, as though I was in some way above it. Even if I had thoughts of anger, I used to be humble in mannerism if a bit nervous. Now I am haughty and distant, and I'm falling apart at the seams.

My true personality has become largely sheltered in defense of the ridicule of others. I deny myself my quirks and truly the moments that define me. I numb pain and find only small consolation. I act like a child to hide from the world that brings me misery. Maybe I can begin to undo this negative change, and still keep some fragment of what I've learned.

It is uncomfortable to me that I'm not inherently normal, the way our culture defines it. The way some people stare in disgust at things they don't understand. I have my doubts about finding people who can match me at this perspective, even while I try and occasionally fail to find things to appreciate about those very ones with whom I feel myself at a disconnect.

I have starved myself of emotion to the best of my ability. Of pain and pleasure alike, and of the experiences that make me human. My anxiety is profound. I can't begin to count opportunities I've missed to be closer to someone I wanted near me, but I fumble at every turn. Despite compliments and reassurance I struggle endlessly. Against harsh advice I flail in woe or laugh in derision and dig my hole deeper still.

Perhaps someday I will have achieved a level of wisdom that allows me to relax into that world of love again. Until then, I must remain strong and forgiving of my chronic failures. The universe may yet have something surprising to offer me, and it would be an absolute act of contempt to deny it the opportunity to prove my doubts fallible.

[Perna]

Living life is an act of daily practice; it sounds like you are too much in your head, not getting practice conversing with others (so you can learn to express yourself to those you want near you) or working toward getting what you want but just fantasizing about it.

I did that until my early 30's when a lot of therapy and a couple of really good friends helped me wake up and live life instead of just spending my time make up what it was like. You cannot know about pain and pleasure from just inside your own head; that is just you, thinking/imagining. The real pain and the real pleasure are real, are happening as you move around out in the world.

The less interaction one has with the world the more warped one's thinking becomes, endlessly going around and around just in one's own head, with no feedback from other, real people.

[shezbut]

PhaseSeven!

My immediate thought in response to your post is how lengthy and artistic it is. Beautifully written ~ it sounds as though you've written these words for a newspaper column or a book! Impressive I had to read this post a few times before I was able to put things into a more general perspective regarding your impression of your life.

It does sound as though you have pulled away from others dramatically and have focused a lot on how you are feeling. I had a bad habit of doing the same thing when I was in my mid-20's. My anxiety level jumped sky high in response to such intense non-stop focus though. (Not fun at all, and difficult to work through.)

I do have good news on that front though! Getting through major anxiety simply requires holding yourself to doing things that you're uncomfortable doing. The more often you push yourself, the easier it becomes. And, before you know it, your mind isn't completely focused on yourself and your suffering. It is scary to fight the anxiety, but it can be done ~ and the results are so worth the effort!