[weeping willow]

Dear husband,
I just have to tell you this again for the nth time. And since you have a selective memory and refuse to remember the "talks" or arguments we had about your annoying habits and attitudes in the past to learn from, I'd rather write them down - knowing that you will never get to read this anyway so I won't have to expect you to change or apologize - for the purpose of venting. There is nothing in this letter that I haven't told you about nor we haven't discussed. But since talking to you is a futile effort because of your stubbornness & selective memory, I'd rather vent my frustrations here just to get these issues off my chest.
We were only married for 3 years and having you for a husband was truly challenging. Yes, I have my own issues having raised by a bipolar mother but having you as my partner is not making things any better.
You are a responsible husband and father in the context of working an 8-5 job to provide for me and you son; coming home early because you miss your son.
I admire you for that. But I need you to see and understand that your duty does not end there. I gave in to the need for us to find another source of income therefore I set up a new business without you lifting a finger but with a nosy big mouth yakking me to do this and that without considering that I have started and ran 3-4 small companies before while having a lot on my plate as a wife and mother. My simple requests from you ARE to just be a little helpful around the house, avoid nagging me on trivial matters which you yourself cannot practice and/or inconsistent about, stop pissing me off by the little lies or pointing finger elsewhere esp to me just because you don't want to admit your OBVIOUS mistake. It really ruins my day 'coz I'd always tell myself how stupid and inconsiderate you are. If you know you made a mistake, shut up and apologize or make amends. DO NOT DARE TURN THE TABLES AROUND which you LOVE DOING and you know that I can and will always win the argument because you do not admit when you are wrong. And by that, you have pissed me further. Then we get into this never ending cycle of debating making our trivial issues a more serious matter.
I really don't know who to talk to, where to go & what to do to escape. My daily dose of your (ways, words) is really getting up to neck. I just want to vomit or pretend you do not exist.
Now I feel 30-40% better.

Your wife

[madisgram]

have you considered marital counseling? seems you all have some issues and constructive communication can help you both, imho.

Hello, weeping willow. Good letter. I hope you and he get this sorted to the benefit of all.

[Still Learning]

Dear Weeping Willow, I just saw your post--I hope you're still on here! Anyway, I read every line of your post carefully and can't believe how we have the same life! I have dealt with what you're going through.

I have realized that in almost every marriage (even the fake ones on tv) there is always one level-headed wise spouse and one who is not-so-wise. Know that you are the wise one. He is a better man because of you. Know that you both committed your lives to each other and have a son who needs you both, so forget about divorcing him. Know that as women, we seem to attract men who have these issues when our own mother or father had problems too--why? I don't know, we just do. We have some kind of magnet that draws them to us. Know that aside from his horribly annoying qualities, he loves you and the baby. Treasure that. Know and remember why you married him in the first place, and smile about good times. If he's not as handsome as he used to be, look at old pictures of when he was sexy. Don't let the pilot light get snuffed out permanently for this guy (unless he physically harms you or your child--then all bets are OFF). Doesn't sound like he's going to try anything like that--good.

So how do you deal with him when he starts in on the accusations, mind games, and foolish talk? Find Your Inner Mute Button. You will have to do this for your own sanity. Just stare at him when he gets started. Do not respond; stay quiet. And don't glare at him like you want to blow him to pieces--just think of something else like doing the laundry or what bills are due tomorrow. When you remain silent and don't dignify his comments with your time, he might actually hear himself talking and realize he's not making any sense. It takes 2 to argue, so don't give him the satisfaction. Stay calm! He might give up and walk away. Give him some time to go cool off, and then go do something you enjoy (go play with your child, make a yummy smoothie for yourself, watch something funny on TV). Be your own best friend while you give him space. Then, find him later and be friends again. Do not wait for his apology. You will only set yourself up for hurt by doing that. You already know you can't change him and he's not good at admitting fault (which in a man's mind is FAILURE, to them). But you can be an example of a lovely wife who is in total control of her marriage and her own feelings. Don't let him twist your emotions into knots. You are a smart, organized, strong, and sensitive woman. I can tell all of this by what your wrote in your post. Gosh, he is lucky and needs you. Remember that! Very best to you Weeping Willow. Weep no more.

[Leed]

Hi "Weeping" ~ Bless your heart. You're miserable, aren't you! I can certainly understand.

Like Madisgram said, perhaps marriage counseling would help, but from the sounds of your husband, I'm not sure it would work. He sounds like the type that wouldn't listen to a counselor because he'd always be right. My ex was like that --- the counselor said something my ex didn't like in the first session, and he got up and walked out and never went back.

You might ask him to go and if he DOES go, I hope it works. Otherwise, you might be better on your own! I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

[astenon]

Still_Learning,
What an awesome post that was! On behalf of Weeping and any other woman who reads it I'd like to say Thanks - even though I'm a bloke.

With regard to "and he's not good at admitting fault (which in a man's mind is FAILURE, to them)", I'll confess this is me as well. I don't know why I find it so hard to admit fault. I'd like to think it's genetics or something in the way the masculine/feminine stereotypes are brainwashed into us as we grow up. It's a bit like the whole asking for directions thing. At least that explanation gets me off the hook, if it's not that, then I'm just an arse!

Weeping, it does sound as though you may benefit from some couples therapy. Having a third party point out our mistakes can work wonders in waking us men up to our faults. Knowing a third party knows them is also an amazing incentive to fixing them. The male ego doesn't like someone thinking we're letting our SO down.