[adam_k]

How do you handle resentment? I have been trying to patch things up with my wife and trying to make things work between us. Last night I was laying in bed and I was just seething with anger and resentment for her betraying my trust. Last week I was fine being alone and not speaking and now it is like things are going back to normal but I have all this rage. Part of me wants to love and care for her and the other part of me wants to ignore and push her away. I have this inner voice telling me she is just going to lie to me and do what she always does. I feel like it is easier to be angry with her than let myself trust her again. How does someone handle resentment towards a spouse?

We are going to our first marriage counsling on Thursday and I have my 2nd appointment with therapy tomorrow.

[Open Eyes]

(((adam)),

I am glad to hear you are going to marriage counceling. I think it will help both you and your wife. I have mentioned before that you got married very "young" and tbh, in our 20's we are still not really fully grown up yet.

We go through our childhoods, then school and then college and we don't really begin to truely feel ourselves until we have a chance to take the things we learned and begin to take steps into the outside "adult world".

You have been going out and working and actually using the skills you learned, and you are being rewarded with a pay check and with that you are learning to be responsible and learn how to maintain as well as have things because "you are using your skills".

Well your wife hasn't done that yet, she has loans to pay, has an education but she has not done the next step. So, in some ways she isn't "fulfilled" and she is not enjoying how she can use her skills and do what you are doing.

This online romance thing, that is all about her "filling a void", that has nothing to do with "you" but everything to do with her "void". And it isn't even about "love" or that she doesn't "love you", she is experiencing "low self worth" and that online thing was the only thing that helped her to "escape that". And honestly, that happens alot and it isn't really meant to be "cheating", it is really more about someone who has a personal void, aside from their partner.

Remember, you just laid out alot of your "personal challenges and hurts" to her. While I understand you needed to let that out once and for all with her? Well, you have to remember that she has not yet had a chance to be independantly strong herself. She has not had the chance to use her skills and work and enjoy independance yet, independance meaning her own "empowerment". And now she is faced with "your worries and insecurities" that go pretty deep. Do you think she really knows how to deal with that? What are her life skills so far really?

I know you have told her that your life changed and had purpose when you met her, and she is your reason for getting up everyday. Well, that is alot of pressure, and in reality, while it is nice to be "that loved" and "appreciated" it doesn't do anything for "her self esteem" or her sense of self worth.

For a healthy relationship to happen each partner needs to do "self care and self love" first and then they share that with someone. It is not really "fair" to expect another person to "make you happy", you each need to understand personal happiness, personal love of life, then share that with each other.

Your personal "therapy" is supposed to help you "find you and be happy and learn how to accept and love self". You are only beginning "that journey", that is "your responsiblity" not hers. She needs to find "her private happiness within herself" and she has not gotten that either. That is why there is this "emptyness" between the two of you now. This often happens when we think "marriage or another person is responsible for our happiness and sense of empowerment".

Marriages and relationships flourish when two people "compliment each other" not when one is expected to provide purpose and happiness for the other.

Try not to be "resentful" with her. Please give this time so you can finally understand what I am saying here.

Open Eyes

[adam_k]

I'm trying not to act it out. I am just hurt by what she did and I don't want to trust her. I'm affraid she will keep hurting me with these emotional affairs.

[Open Eyes]

((adam)),

I understand how you feel about this and how you don't want to get "hurt". Emotional affairs happen when someone is lost and unfulfilled with "self" adam.
That is what breaks up so many marriages and relationships. I am going through this with my daughter who just turned 29 and finally ended an 8 year relationship. There wasn't another women though, the emotional affair her ex was having was with alcohol.

I understand your "hurt and fears" but you have to get to the "reasons" for your wifes emotional "voids" that she is using this online kind of "filler for". I seriously doubt she is looking for a "real affair", she is just filling a deep void, and part of that is that she is "fearful" too. It is scarey to be "dependant" on someone like she is right now, and she "knows you want her to find a job" and she has not been able to do that yet.
Having some guy online who is telling her she is smart, interesting etc, is just filling a void for her, instead of making her feel she is lacking because she owes money and doesn't have a job yet. Remember, you do feel that.

I think it will be interesting to hear what she says in marriage counceling. I have a feeling I am right on track with what is going on with her.

I can't blame you for not trusting, especially given your past that you are just beginning to work on in therapy etc.

[Leed]

Hi Adam ~ Remember that "resentment is the poison I take to kill you." All you're doing is hurting you by hanging on to these resentments. SHE isn't getting hurt by it. Resentment is like a cancer -- it eats you inside out.

The only way you're going to trust her again is by doing it. You've just plain got to do it, and see what the results are. If you get burned again, then you'll know what to do. But to continue living in mis-trust just leaves things in limbo. You can't live like that. You have to make the decision to trust, IF the relationship is going to continue.

So let go of the resentments. You HAVE to in order to survive. Just decide that they aren't worth your sanity or your marriage. And they aren't!!!

God bless and take care Adam. Hugs, Lee

[avlady]

Leed is right-let go of the resentments, and just do what you have to do, mistrust leads to limbo, according to me you need to try some blind faith in her at this point to survive. Then if it happens again, you'll have learned, but if you don't even try you'll never know.

[adam_k]

I've tried blind faith. I blamed myself the first time she cheated on me. I thought it was because I was withdrawn. Now it is the second time that I know about and I can't help but think that is just part of her character. When things get tough or problematic, she wants to run off to a fantasy releationship. I haven't expressed any of these feelings. I try and believe she is willing to change and be in this releationship.

I just feel like she is trying to decieve me now. I think she realized how hard life would be without me and now she wants to fix things for herself. I still feel used and taken for granted.

I don't know how I really feel. I know I just feel depressed and trapped at the moment.

[Open Eyes]

I can't blame you for feeling the way you do ((adam)). Her actions, as I mentioned, are expressing "her" lack of maturity and sense of "self worth". Unfortunately, when people struggle with their "own self esteem or void/fear" they do things that can hurt others unknowingly. And you have suffered the consequences from this already in your life, so it is understandable that you feel hurt and even "resentful".

This past Sunday I was up late with my very upset and hurt daughter because of this issue. Her ex had "self esteem issues" and inspite of all her efforts to try to help him, he didn't change and he really hurt her. Unfortunately, he was so wrapped up with his own issues, that he just didn't see how it was putting way too much strain on her. She finally realized that "she" couldn't "fix" his problems, only "he" is capable of doing that. As I mentioned she was only 28 when she finally just wore out after him again going out and drinking himself into a blackout/passout and never coming home. It was very hard on her because she would say "didn't he love me enough?"
and "how could he hurt me so much?".

adam, this challenge with your wife, as I mentioned, isn't about how much she loves you. This is about "her own self esteem issues" and I know that is very hard to understand. I can't blame you for having "trust issues" either, and I understand that with your past, this is extra hard for you. As I mentioned that is something you are going to have to work through in therapy and finally make peace with, that isn't something your "wife can do for you". And your wife needs to figure out "her" issues too. And, then the both of you have to spend time in marriage counceling to see if your relationship can grow inspite of the personal challenges you both are dealing with. It is not unusual for couples to have personal challenges that affect the way the marital relationship functions. And you are at the age when these challenges are "prevelent" and are "confusing". So you are going to have to be patient with this challenge and wait and see by going to marriage counceling if the two of you can get to a point where you can go forward inspite of your personal challenges. You both have to learn that each of you are going to have to be "responsible" for you personal issues as well, and cannot expect each other to solve these issues. This process takes time to work out.

I don't want to tell you to give up or say your wife is bad for you etc. I think that is something the two of you need to figure out in marriage counceling with a professional.

So, my advice is to be patient and do your best to try not to "project and resent" while you move forward to working through this.

(((Hugs)))