[pixielou]

I recently have done a lot of reading or you could even call it research on BPD because it is a dx I received a long time ago and never really knew much about. I have to say being able to put some of the things I have done in my life into perspective and realize it actually may have been my illness that made me behave that way is a big relief. Now don't get me wrong, I have taken responsibility for everything that has happened in my life and I have to say probably to the extreme where I am constantly beating myself up and plagued by guilt. I didn't realize that many of the things that were really impulsive, like moving to New Zealand from Minnesota because I hate my mother so much, (generalization) for example could be attributed to being BPD. The down side is I feel sad that I am mentally ill and I have been fully aware of this for a long time and I own it, but I still am bumbed about it. My grandfather comitted suicide so I realize there is probably a predisposition for this but it bumbs me out because it has limited me in so many ways. I have limited myself in so many ways. This is totally new for me and I hope I can start putting together and balancing where I fit in all this. Thanks for listening!

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by pixielou

... I have taken responsibility for everything that has happened in my life and I have to say probably to the extreme where I am constantly beating myself up and plagued by guilt....

That doesn't sound quite like taking responsibility -- at least, not the same way I understand responsibility. When I've beaten myself up for stuff I've done (or failed to do), it's eventually turned out to be my substitute for taking responsibility: "There! I've made a rule for myself never to do that, and beaten myself up for doing it, and (hopefully) managed to scare myself into being more careful next time. What more can anyone ask?"

Here's a silly (but true) little story about that, as I told it to a friend almost four years ago:

A month or so ago I was pretty busy, between working days and hanging out at PC nights. I'd received a good-sized check in the mail for some work I'd finished recently but I didn't want to waste time taking it to the bank right away; I figured I still had some money in the account and I'd just wait till I was in the vicinity on other business. Then one Monday night I get home kind of late, check my mail, and find not one but two ominous-looking letters from my bank. They tell me that on Thursday, and again on Friday, I'd overdrawn my account. They'd covered all the overdrafts (charging me $35 per item), I now owed them a few hundred bucks, and I should hurry up and deposit it. What they didn't need to tell me was that I'd done a lot of shopping over the weekend, all those items would have come home to roost on Monday, and I could expect at least one more such letter. Of course I stuck that check in the ATM first thing Tuesday morning, but the damage was done -- I didn't bother to total up the overdraft fees (made a point of not) but I'm guessing somewhere around $500.

So there I am a few days later, having finally received the last in this series of ominous letters from the bank, walking down the street, pondering and reacting. Obviously the first thing, practically the only thing I'm supposed to be saying is, "I will never never never do that anything like again and here's how I'll make sure I never do..." and beating myself up as I say it, to make myself remember better. Only I catch myself about to say that, and instead I say to myself, make a point of saying to myself: "No bleeping promises. I'll overdraw my bleeping account anytime I want!"

Just between you and me, I suspect I won't want to overdraw my account all that often -- but I discovered I was actually more interested in watching how I'd deal with that incident and whatever it might stir up for me, than I was in saving (or grieving for) $500. Anyway, I found that continuing to put one foot in front of the other and take care of biz the best way I knew how was in fact an excellent alternative to beating myself up, and I consider it well worth $500 to have confirmed that.

Incidentally, I really haven't overdrawn my account since then. I can't say that proves anything, though, because a lot of my circumstances have changed in the meantime.

[pixielou]

Let me just say that by saying I feel guilty or beat myself up about mistakes I made a taking responsibility I meant as opposed to blaming others for all of the things that have gone wrong in my life. I have pretty much been an impulsive person as long as I can remember. I get your point too Fooze, but I want to be constructive and I like the idea of one foot in front of the other and I do try really hard. I guess I would never feel as bad about bouncing checks/overdrafts as I do about moving 12,000 miles away from my kids to get away from my mother.

[Thunder Bow]

Don't feel so bad about the Good things you done for your self. Moving to New Zealand was a good move. You have done more good things for yourself than you know!