Sometimes I think I should try posting in some other forums. But I always decide to come back here! I think I'm beginning to take root!

Do you have secrets... things about yourself that you've never told anyone? I do. We always hear that everyone does. I don't really know if it's true. Of course there are secrets & then there are SECRETS! Well, what I'm writing about today includes both small secrets and big secrets. In other words, I'm writng about both the little things that you keep secret just because they're slightly embarrassing. And I'm also writing about big secrets... things that could, if they came out... destroy a relationship or a friendship.

Anyone who has been following my posts may be aware that in addition to struggling with depression & anxiety, I'm also transgendered. In fact, I was transgendered before that term had been invented. Those of us who grew up this way grew up believing that we were weird & perhaps somewhat perverted. You never heard or read anything about this sort of thing & certainly no one ever talked about it. For all any of us young 'uns knew at that time, babies could just as well have crawled out from under cabbage leaves!

Anyway, to make a long story short, when you grow up like this, you collect allot of secrets along the way! I didn't even disclose my transgenderedness until after my second major suicide attempt about a year & a half ago. (I had taken one stab at doing so one time before that. But that is another story. Perhaps I'll tell it in another thread somewhere.)

The thing is that when you have secrets, and keep secrets over a period of decades, it becomes a habit. It has become such a habit with me that I still have secrets and, in fact, if I didn't have any more secrets I believe I would probably have to invent some. I just don't feel quite right if I don't have some secrets in my back pocket! I'd be kind of like a squirrel without any nuts put away for the winter; or maybe a turtle that gave away his shell & can't get another one. I'd feel naked!

So I keep my back pocket stuffed with secrets. Some are just too embarrassing to reveal. I'd be mortified to think that anyone knew! Some of them might have been highly embarrassing at one time. But they wouldn't be now. Today, if revealed, they might just cause a mild blush. Some things I keep secret, I probably wouldn't have to keep secret at all. And I even know of one or two things that I recently thought were secrets that turned out not to be!

So that's the way it goes. When you've kept secrets as long as I have, you get to the point where you just can't get along without them. I know I can't. So what are my secrets? I'll never tell!

[Thunder Bow]

"Secrets" = GUILT Stop feeling so Guilty!

[emgreen]

It's my impression that some research suggests that transgenderism is ingrained in some folk's brains...Something hormonal that happens in the womb. Thus, it's nothing to be ashamed about if you're truly transgendered.

I hope you're talking about this with a therapist for, as Thunder Bow pointed out, secrets produce guilt...which causes depression. Have you ever sought out online support groups dealing with this issue? I'm sure there must be some out there in cyberspace. Be good to yourself.

[Thunder Bow]

Originally Posted by emgreen

It's my impression that some research suggests that transgenderism is ingrained in some folk's brains...Something hormonal that happens in the womb. Thus, it's nothing to be ashamed about if you're truly transgendered.

I hope you're talking about this with a therapist for, as Thunder Bow pointed out, secrets produce guilt...which causes depression. Have you ever sought out online support groups dealing with this issue? I'm sure there must be some out there in cyberspace. Be good to yourself.

Good Advice!

Originally Posted by emgreen

It's my impression that some research suggests that transgenderism is ingrained in some folk's brains...Something hormonal that happens in the womb. Thus, it's nothing to be ashamed about if you're truly transgendered.

I hope you're talking about this with a therapist for, a recently Thunder Bow pointed out, secrets produce guilt...which causes depression. Have you ever sought out online support groups dealing with this issue? I'm sure there must be some out there in cyberspace. Be good to yourself.

Well... It's kind of a long story... some of which I may tell in a later thread someplace. But the short of it is I just I quit my last therapist a few weeks ago. She was very nice & I liked her allot. She was also experienced in working with people who have trans issues. She had also started a group with some of her trans clients.

Unfortunately our individual sessions were more like meeting a friend over coffee than they were like therapy & I just couldn't justify the cost. So, at this point, I don't have anything like that. And I don't know who else I would see. I've had a number of therapists in the past... most of whom were dreadful! I've looked around but can't find anyone else.

Actually I know quite a few trans individuals as a result of having been on YouTube for a couple of years or so. And, over time, I've had many discussions with them. But the reality is that at my age & with my life situation at this point, there's really nothing of consequence that I can do about my "trans-ness". Also, I've had mental health issues all of my life too. And it's not clear to me which came 1st, not that this makes much difference at this point.

I have done a fair amount of reading with regard to the transgender phenomenon. You are correct. The current thinking is that there are hormonal imbalances that occur in utero that cause this. There's no real proof of this that I'm aware of. But that's the current thought.

Thanks for commenting on my post!

[Thunder Bow]

Continue with therapy, If you feel uncomfortable with therapy, that means you are making progress. Sex always gets tangled up with other mental health issues.

[Neptune83]

Hmmm.. The only person who knows pretty much everything there is to know about me is my husband. But there are one or two things I haven't told him. Not major things as such really, just things I felt ashamed to admit at the time so I kind of glossed over them to some degree. Might have told the odd white lie to cover my 'sins'.. Well, not so much a lie, just leaving a few details out and making it one sided. Purely because I felt stupid, didn't want him to think I was a slut etc didn't want him to get the wrong end of the stick. I hate that I'm keeping things from him, I think I partly do it because I think there must be things about him I don't know about, he can't be as pure as snow! But maybe I'm wrong, and maybe I should tell him. But then they're not huge and it's stuff that happened before we even met. So really not important. I just feel guilty for not being totally truthful. I've contradicted myself somewhat because I think honesty is the best policy. I appreciate honesty, so I expect others to be the same which is silly because we're all different and it shouldn't matter if one has a few secrets, as long as its not hurting anyone, they're theirs to keep. I'm rambling now lol

[Neptune83]

I also think if everyone knew every detail of you, it may leave you feeling vulnerable. It would me anyway. That's why hubby is the only one who knows 99.9% there is to know about me. No one else does.

Originally Posted by Neptune83

Hmmm.. The only person who knows pretty much everything there is to know about me is my husband. But there are one or two things I haven't told him. Not major things as such really, just things I felt ashamed to admit at the time so I kind of glossed over them to some degree. Might have told the odd white lie to cover my 'sins'.. Well, not so much a lie, just leaving a few details out and making it one sided. Purely because I felt stupid, didn't want him to think I was a slut etc didn't want him to get the wrong end of the stick. I hate that I'm keeping things from him, I think I partly do it because I think there must be things about him I don't know about, he can't be as pure as snow! But maybe I'm wrong, and maybe I should tell him. But then they're not huge and it's stuff that happened before we even met. So really not important. I just feel guilty for not being totally truthful. I've contradicted myself somewhat because I think honesty is the best policy. I appreciate honesty, so I expect others to be the same which is silly because we're all different and it shouldn't matter if one has a few secrets, as long as its not hurting anyone, they're theirs to keep. I'm rambling now lol

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Good Advice!

Too late... I spent the money on more psych med's...

[Neptune83]

I'd be willing to bet there's not one person on the earth that doesn't have at least one secret, even a teeny tiny one!