[Detia]

Today I have felt really low, I had a dream that might have impacted my mood from the very start although I've tried to let it go and relax. It was a dream where I was swamped by one of my more destructive intrusive thoughts that contributes to a lot of negative stress I experience.

I have been withdrawn, but confident. I feel 'tired', and 'done with b.s.'. I don't want to have to answer to anyone about how I am doing, and hear their critiques about how I should be doing or thinking differently if I truly don't like the place I am in. As much as the critiques are true, they don't always come to me in a way I feel I can incorporate it. Usually it comes to me when I'm already defensive or worn out and it just sounds like criticism even though it's genuine concern and advice.

I'm writing right now to get that out because I keep feeling like I need to engage in one of my self-destructive behaviors just to let off this stress I am feeling. I need to do homework but along with feeling unenthusiastic today, I feel entirely unenthusiastic about my homework. So I'm trying to vent and look for positive encouragement just so I can get past this. I need to think "I can do this!" not "This is difficult" or "I don't care right now" or "If I do [destructive behavior here] then I'll be able to focus on my work instead of fantasizing about the destructive behavior". I'm tired of relapsing on these bad behaviors, and I have a therapist but we're still building trust, communication, and an environmental understanding... It's been 4 months and the only thing I can say we've accomplished is having a communication base... I don't know about digging up family dynamic, even if that shaped my understanding of the world, I'd just rather focus on how to change it instead of what it has been. I'm also moving in the next few months and will probably have to quit therapy because I'll be 6 hrs away.

So this is venting, and a little info... I'm not sure how to get the energy and mindset I need, and it feels like all of the old tricks (breathing, music) aren't working.

[Leed]

Hi Detia ~ Since a lot of your methods haven't worked, have you thought about the possibility of perhaps needing medication?

When I was in therapy, even tho we were working on all the strategies, etc., and I was making SOME progress, it wasn't enough and my therapist said I also needed medication in addition to therapy. He said I was clinically depressed, so he referred me back to my GP who put me on an antidepressant, and I went back to therapy. I made MUCH better progress once the antidepressant began working and felt SO much better.

But since I'm clinically depressed, I'll have to be on an A/D for the rest of my life. I tried going off the meds once -- and I ended up in the pits of hell. So I'll NEVER do that again.

Just a thought tho. Perhaps medication would help you as it did/does me. I know that no one wants to be on medication, but it's been a life saver for me.

Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[avlady]

The meds also helped me, i was also in the pits of hell when i went off of them by myself. I really believe the meds do work especially with a doc and T. Your T can help you get through some hard times if you get a good one.

[Confusedinomicon]

It helps if you have a defined plan on what you'd like to accomplish. If you don't think digging through family dynamics is helpful then tell your t. If you want to work on how you precieve the world and your reactions, voice it out.

[Detia]

Thank you all for your input!

@Leed & AVLady, First, return hugs for Leed! Also, thank you both for your responses, they are definitely something to think about. I have considered taking medications. I was on lexapro 10mg for about 4 months... I kept it a secret from my Mom and family because I was 18 at the time and I knew that they didn't approve of medication, and I felt like they weren't going to understand enough to assist me in getting the help I needed. After a few large fiascoes after they found out, I ended up quitting therapy and the medication cold-turkey around the time that the medication was starting to wear off and it was looking like I would need a higher dose. It really does work, but I feel strongly about not taking the medication. I know that there are generic brands for under 10$ now... I would rather try changing my life-style and dietary habits first to see if it's simply exacerbated by improper nutritional balance and physical exercise. I'm actually going to school right now to learn holistic medicine and hopefully start a career in it.

If it gets a lot worse for me, without any end in sight, I'll likely go for medication before allowing my mood to be fatal... but for now it's not high on my list of options, even though I know how useful it can be. I have a lot of trust issues with pharmaceutical medication because of personal and tangential experience. It's not something I really want to do for long term unless there are physical test results saying "Yes, the only way to adjust this scenario despite eating extremely well, exercising, and hydration, is by balancing your serotonin. I know it might not be very realistic, but that's how I feel about it.

@confusedinomicon, That really does help. Sometimes I have trouble speaking out about it, because I don't always have self-assurance in which direction I would like to go. I know I have been guiding myself for this long and that it doesn't seem to be turning out in my favor all the time. I have an appointment in a few days and I'll certainly have it in mind to bring it up to my T to see what kind of action we can take on a therapy plan. I know that he's concerned about unintentionally encouraging some of my most negative behaviors by entertaining conversation on it. I think that talking about the problem around the behavior would work best... Fingers crossed.

[Thunder Bow]

It is good that you are moving. I think you had enough "critiques" for a while. Foreget the Drugs. They may provide instant gratification for a breaf time, but are not a solution. Work on accepting yourself and do what you like doing!

[Detia]

Hey everyone, thank you for your support.

I was having a hard time last week, and spent two days lethargic or inert instead of doing homework. I think it was work that got to me, I went to a trade show and my boss really likes to fluff up the truth and over-exaggerate, which might be his thing as a salesman. I feel a lot of pressure and responsibility through to represent his business well for how small it is and that it's just really getting started and the scope of work is changing significantly to the point where he has to run 2 companies to stay in business. My unofficially official title is 'Project Manager', I'm really just the person organizing the disastrous filing system. I was there with a coworker (and friend) with a lot of personal history and issues. He took the freedom to critique my method of socializing at the trade show, with nothing positive to say.

Anyway, I think that's what kicked it off. Yesterday I finally sat down and listened to a meditation audio, they really help me and I'm trying to get into the habit of listening to one or two every day as a method of self-care. After this post I'm probably going to put one on, sit back, and relax for a bit. I felt a lot better yesterday, and I had a second guided meditation helping someone practice for school because we're both learning under a similar degree to help people both psychologically and physically. That holistic thing and what not.

I ended up discovering more than I thought I would about myself, and I started to have the realization why school has been so hard on me the past several years. I was greatly empowered after that and it carried me for the rest of the night, it was a wonderful reprieve after 2 days of super-funk.

@Thunder Bow: Thank you so much, I really am trying to work on self-acceptance. Doing what I love sometimes gets a little jumbled up when my emotions are in a flux, but I'm working on spending more time with that as well. I really need to sit down and draw more!