[LearningMe01]

I'm not sure If I'm writing this in the correct forum - but I'm not sure where else to put it.

I was wondering if anyone could offer any suggestions on how to deal with this.

I'm sort of a push over. I never admitted that to myself before, but I've been noticing more and more lately that I will let people take advantage of me. I have a hard time saying "no" to people.

My next door neighbor has some major issues. I feel bad for her, so when she asks me to do things for her (like today, I was on my way to a job interview and she asked me to drive her to the gas station for beer and cigarettes) I do them. Thing is, while I don't mind helping people out (I actually very much enjoy helping) I don't want to feel like a door mat, or like I'm being taken advantage of.

I just can't figure out why I can't say "no" to most people. I think it has to do with a fear of hurting them, or letting people down. But I also have to look out for myself, and make sure I set boundaries, I just seem to be unable to identify those boundaries, and stick to them.

Anyone else have an issues with this? Anyone figure out how to say "no" and feel OK about it?

[optimize990h]

"The users" unconsciously are able to find "people pleasers" and seem to use us people pleasers as a necessary option to help them through life. We have to break this cycle as you are aware(personally, I would feel like saying "there is a service charge for your cigs and beer.")

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by LearningMe01

I just can't figure out why I can't say "no" to most people.
...
Anyone figure out how to say "no" and feel OK about it?

Why is of secondary importance. The answer to the more important thing is you can learn by doing, and eventually you will feel very okay with it. Just practise saying no to small things or to really stupid things like someone expecting a free ride on your way to a job interview!

[Leed]

I know what you're going thru, because I used to be the same way. I felt if I said "no" that people wouldn't like me anymore. I felt that they'd never talk to me anymore if I said 'no."

My therapist told me that I couldn't be walked on anymore if I didn't lay down. And she was right. So I did like the other posters said -- I started saying "no' to small things, like when they asked to borrow things, or rides, or wanted me to babysit. Pretty soon, it wasn't so hard anymore to say NO. And no long after, they quit asking me too! The funny part is, even if you DO lose "friends" like that, you find out that you really don't MISS them at all! They were only your friends due to what you could do for THEM!

Practice saying no. It might be hard the first few times, and you might even get anxious about it. But that will pass. And you WILL be better off for it. God bless and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

[Thunder Bow]

You are a naturally genrious person. Go with your feelings when it is time to say "No".

[BonnieG2010]

If saying 'no' is an issue for you, start asking things back: small favors here and there. Just to let people (and yourself) know that you have needs too.

The hidden thoughts behind the behaviors could be:
- I must always say yes (or they won't love me, could be the potential threat behind that)
- I must aways do for others and never ask: i'm the strong one here!!

I like helping people too. But there were times when i NEEDED to help people out. That's different. I had a feeling of being of use, after helping others. Without the helping, I didn't feel like existing, or that i had a right to it.

If you have people taking advantage of you is because you don't respect yourself and you can't teach others, just with your behavior, how to respect yourself.
It's quite a common issue don't get discouraged.

I think you should focus on respect. What is respect for yourself and for others. It is important that you respect others but it's basic that they respect you.

If those boundaries are too difficult to settle, a counselor could be a good choice

[0w6c379]

Saying no has been an issue for me for years. I've always "been there" for friends and have asked for little in return. When I finally did ask a favor, guess what? The friend said no! That was a wake up call for me. Maybe you need to ask and see if anyone is going to be there for you. When you find out it's just a one way street, you'll wake up quick. I can now say no. Sometimes it's still hard to do. I think about who is doing the asking before I respond. Some people are just takers without any conscience at all. Be strong.

[unaluna]

Beer and cigs on your way to a job interview - no offense, but unless you and the interviewer are both smokers, this little favor / errand could cost you the job. I would be able to smell your neighbor's smokes on you, and if we had a nonsmoking policy, or if I were just a beeyotch (hey waddya mean, "if?!") I might reject you just for the smell of the neighbor's cigs.

It just really bothers me that you were on your way to a job interview, and they had no respect for that. Any extra time you scheduled for yourself before the interview belonged to YOU, and was not to be used running errands for them. It was job time.

[avlady]

Learinngme01Welcome!!!!!!I also say- just say no whenever you like not when others wish or like, It's not bad to do people favors, but if it's bothering you in any, it shouldn't be done. You have to start right away and be consistant so they get the message.

[hannabee]

I wonder if there is something in your childhood that makes you a people pleaser? I finally figured out why I couldn't resist buying a coat when I went shopping...it was because I was always trying to protect myself as a little girl, and I guess I figured a coat might do that! Seems once I figured it out, the need disappeared. Strange I know :-) Were you always feeling a need to please your parents? and then that extrapolates out onto wanting to please others? Just a thought.

[lynn P.]

Good points made by all, especially Optimize and hannabee. Users know who to ask for favors and helpers usually feel guilty to say no. I remember watching Oprah many years ago and she said at the time, she had a big problem with saying "no" but had learned its very important. First of all - if someone is asking a question, there's 2 choices, yes or no. You have the right as a person to say no and not even give a reason why. Also women are notorious people pleasers, most of the time because we're are natural nurturers.

Yes your neighbor is taking advantage of your kindness, to ask you to run this favor when you're responsible and have a job interview. You have the right to say no, anytime you want. Favors should be a 2 way street - give and take. What do you benefit from this friendship? Beer and cigaretttes aren't necesseties and she needs to get them herself. Practice saying no with made up scenarios - its a challenge at first to say plain "no" with no sorry or reason. Save your yeses for people who won't take advantage and even then be chosey. Good luck and don't feel guilty.

I had a difficult time with this too, now, however, I have no problem whatsoever saying no.

Matter of fact, once I learned how I think I might have gone overboard the other way, but now that has all evened out too.

The next time you have a pressing engagement, simply say, I'm sorry, but I've got an appointment to get to and won't be able to help you out this time.

If they get miffed or upset, that's their issue, not yours.

Trust me, the more you do it the easier it gets and the better you'll feel.



ps. It always calms my nerves a little bit if I inhale deeply yet discreetly before replying.