today is the day....

.....my life is the definition of loneliness; however I am not alone
.....this building is a house; but certainly not a home
.....anxiety is high; morale is low
.....I'm locked out of my life; does my family know?
.....it seems like no one understands; and seems like no one cares
.....I want to be happy; I dream of our love being shared
.....I realize dreams never come true; and a dream is a hopeless wish
.....I wonder how things got this way; is this punishment for my teenage years?
.....I'm such a failure as a mom; it just happens that I realize this on Mother's Day
.....I guess this is how things were meant to be; obviously there is no other way.

Dearheart, you're not a failure as a MOM! And I know what loneliness is, but things change. Nothing ever stays the same.

You say your family doesn't understand -- but have you explained to them how you feel? I mean, how you REALLY feel? Do they know what's in your heart?

People may SEEM not to care but it's because they don't REALLY understand, my friend. And that's because we figure they SHOULD understand. We assume that they SHOULD know. How should they know if we don't tell them? They aren't mind readers. I've assumed this myself. lol I figured my family should know too -- until I got to thinking about it.

They can't know unless I tell them exactly HOW I feel and why. I can't blame them because it's no ones fault. It's not even mine. Depression is an illness. Yes, depression. When you're lonely, you become depressed and that's hard to deal with by yourself.

Talk to your doctor. He can refer you to a good therapist. Therapy is a wonderful source of help and you'd be surprised at how much it helps -- not just with loneliness but with other issues that you don't even know you have. Loneliness most often stems from other issues -- the therapist can help you "find" those issues.

I wish you the very best, my friend. God bless you and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

Thanks Lee,

I have been on disability since Feb 2012; started on 10 of Citalopram; now up to 40mg a day. About a month later, Clonazepam 1mg was added. In October, the psychiatrist added Wellbutrin but I didn't tolerate it well so he switched me to Effexor 150mg. At my last appointment, I was also given Risperidone 1mg in morning and night. I started seeing a therapist (psychologist) in September and we have been working on various things in my life.

At 12 years of age, I was molested; 15 years, I was raped with another at 18; became very promiscuous maybe in part because I started to view myself as only someone would want for a night or something. My mom passed when she was 44; I was 23. I was a mom of 2 beautiful girls at that time and conceived my son the month she passed. I married the kids' father 15 months after mom's death and 15 months after we married, I caught him in bed with my best friend. She's no longer a friend but we're still married. I go through days and episodes where it feels like everything from my past comes back to haunt me.

Mother's Day, the day I wrote this, I had been having a particular bad day. All I asked for from my family was for us to spend 1 1/2 hours with me and all of us go for a walk somewhere in the sun and fresh air. My daughter was too busy "Getting ready for work" - she worked 4 hours after we would have been home from the walk; my second oldest was "too busy doing homework" and talking to her online boyfriend on Skype - he lived in TN then and now NV while we live on the east coast of Canada. My son was too busy playing x-box and online video games and my husband had a headache. The only one who had a valid excuse was my husband as he has a brain injury from four years ago.

Been having trouble with our son; swearing, punching holes in the walls, not doing chores, skipping school, not bathing or changing his clothes; now suspended for writing a "threatening" email and was threatened by the school that if someone didn't come clean about it, they would have to go to court. Wow.... I want to complain to the school board but I don't want my son's year to be a waste; they hold grudges at this school.

We have started family counseling and have attended 4 sessions. So far, so good but nothing has changed at home yet...

Oh boy ~ you have some troubles, don't you. I'm so sorry.

Have YOU had to be both mother AND father to these kids for the last 4 years? Has Dad played any part in their upbringing since his injury? I hope so -- I hope he hasn't just let YOU do all the parenting, cause these kids need guidance, PLUS disciplining!

Have these kids been given any "borders" or guidelines they can't cross? What kind of discipline have they had? Do they run roughshod over you? I was just wondering, since they made excuses to you. Plus the younger one is acting up quite badly too. Believe me, I KNOW how hard it is to bring up kids nowadays. Things are ALOT different than even when I brought MY kids up -- my son is 43, and my daughter is 37 -- and when they were told to do something, they did it. Not because they'd get hit because we NEVER laid ONE HAND on them -- but because that's just the way we brought them up. And if they didn't do what they were told, they were grounded. Today, that wouldn't work.

Give the counseling time, my friend. It doesn't work overnight. But make SURE the whole family attends, okay? NO EXCUSES there! I applaud you for going and seeing that they go too! You're doing exactly the right thing.

And I'm glad YOU are seeing a therapist too sweetie. What happened in the past was NOT YOUR FAULT. You were a child -- yes, even as a teenager, you were a CHILD. It was not your fault. Don't EVER accept any blame, my friend.

Keep us posted, will you? Things WILL get better, I promise. I'll keep looking for updates. God bless! Hugs, Lee

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