Okay, so here's a little story for anyone who cares. This is long, and I apologise for that, but there's a lot here...

I've had this male friend for 16 years. We met in grade one and our friendship continued after we graduated high school. In that time we've had many fights. Some of them were rather bad. In the past he's told me I'd end up homeless, that I'm stupid, I'll get nowhere in life, that I'm a leech off the government (I was unemployed, but preparing to study at the time), that I'd go to hell and - possibly the worst - that everyone hated me at school and everyone warned him not to come near me because I was...well, useless.

So we've had quite the history. But despite everything I've forgiven him and we've become friends again. Not as close as we once were, perhaps, but still friends. And then we come to this year. I started to realise that our friendship was one sided. I realised this about the same time that I was getting overwhelmed with study, stress, depression and social anxiety. The result was I couldn't eat and was essentially starving myself. I went to the doctor and I'm on medication now...but the thing is, I mentioned to this friend of mine not the whole issue, but just the fact I couldn't eat. He didn't care. At all.

So I realised something was wrong, and because I was the one to always contact him, I decided to wait and see how long it would be before he messaged me for once. That was almost 2 months ago. Not long for some friends, but there was a time when we'd message like 50 times a day. This has made me realise it's most likely a very one sided friendship...and then along came Monday. My 21st birthday. He forgot about it, even though he tried to push me towards having a party. I've asked a few people, and apparently, friends don't forget other friends 21st birthdays, especially not when they've been friends for 16 years...

So I've realised this friendship is pretty much dead. But here's the problem: it's killing me. He may not be a great friend, but he is a friend. Social anxiety makes it hard to get to know others, so without him, I'm pretty much alone. And this hurts, so much. Just little things remind me...and then it sets me off and I realise how alone and pathetic I am and then I start crying. And I can't help it. How do I move on from all this, and not self-destruct in the process? Has anyone got any advice for controlling my feelings a little better?

[~Christina]

I am sorry you are struggling,

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself by reaching out for help!

He is no sort of "friend" Seems like he really never showed respect for you. You deserve respect from anyone you allow into your life.

So he's just a horrible jerk, Keeping a " horrible jerk" around just so you don't feel alone isn't really a good decision. He's not adding anything good to your life.

Realize you deserve good people in your life, if this is a struggle work with a therapist. Keep posting here, I think it will help you realize when you apply positive things to your life it always gets better.

[gary290]

I agree with Christina. You deserve better. Keep taking good care of yourself.

Gary290

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by Lilium_Bellator

here's the problem: it's killing me. He may not be a great friend, but he is a friend. I'm pretty much alone. And this hurts, so much. Just little things remind me...and then it sets me off and I realise how alone and pathetic I am and then I start crying. And I can't help it. How do I move on from all this, and not self-destruct in the process? Has anyone got any advice for controlling my feelings a little better?

I don't have any great words of wisdom because i am going through something similar myself, but I don't think you can ever really *forget*. It hurt because it mattered... You can cope and get to a happier place, but it will take time and effort to put yourself out there again.

[crowfan]

Well, the short answer is be true to yourself. I have had to end friendships and it's hard. But I also have a hard time being angry at people who have hurt me. So, I am working on that. I don't have any advice other than to validate you and say yeah, it's tough. Get a move on it's like depression which has been really big in my life since my mom died a few years ago. The more I disconnect the bigger it gets so being bff with my thoughts, feelings and actions is the only way for me to live with my depression in a meaningful way.
sophie

Originally Posted by Lilium_Bellator

Okay, so here's a little story for anyone who cares. This is long, and I apologise for that, but there's a lot here...

I've had this male friend for 16 years. We met in grade one and our friendship continued after we graduated high school. In that time we've had many fights. Some of them were rather bad. In the past he's told me I'd end up homeless, that I'm stupid, I'll get nowhere in life, that I'm a leech off the government (I was unemployed, but preparing to study at the time), that I'd go to hell and - possibly the worst - that everyone hated me at school and everyone warned him not to come near me because I was...well, useless.

So we've had quite the history. But despite everything I've forgiven him and we've become friends again. Not as close as we once were, perhaps, but still friends. And then we come to this year. I started to realise that our friendship was one sided. I realised this about the same time that I was getting overwhelmed with study, stress, depression and social anxiety. The result was I couldn't eat and was essentially starving myself. I went to the doctor and I'm on medication now...but the thing is, I mentioned to this friend of mine not the whole issue, but just the fact I couldn't eat. He didn't care. At all.

So I realised something was wrong, and because I was the one to always contact him, I decided to wait and see how long it would be before he messaged me for once. That was almost 2 months ago. Not long for some friends, but there was a time when we'd message like 50 times a day. This has made me realise it's most likely a very one sided friendship...and then along came Monday. My 21st birthday. He forgot about it, even though he tried to push me towards having a party. I've asked a few people, and apparently, friends don't forget other friends 21st birthdays, especially not when they've been friends for 16 years...

So I've realised this friendship is pretty much dead. But here's the problem: it's killing me. He may not be a great friend, but he is a friend. Social anxiety makes it hard to get to know others, so without him, I'm pretty much alone. And this hurts, so much. Just little things remind me...and then it sets me off and I realise how alone and pathetic I am and then I start crying. And I can't help it. How do I move on from all this, and not self-destruct in the process? Has anyone got any advice for controlling my feelings a little better?

Hey all - thanks for your replies. I appreciate that.

So, here's an update. I haven't talked to the guy in a while. Earlier tonight, I accidentally opened a Gmail chat with him instead of someone else (both names start with S so they were next to each other) and because I was focused on watching tv, I didn't notice until after I looked down and had already typed my greeting. I also hit the wrong thing because I'd been putting coconut oil on my skin (which is actually rather therapeutic!) and my fingers were too slippery for my laptop's touch pad to handle.

Despite everything, I was expecting at least a hello. I did not receive one. We haven't talked for months, and clearly, he doesn't want to at all.

Clearly, our friendship is over. I won't deny this makes me sad, but...what can I do? Not much...aside from keep on living.