[gon3withth3wend]

Today I found out that I don't get honor cords for my high school graduation. I know it sounds petty, but I've always wanted them. Also, it makes me look like a fool because I applied to (and of course got rejected at) some pretty competitive schools for college. I really like the school I'm going to, but all of my friends thought that I was a much smarter person than I am. My family members are coming and I want them to think that I was smart (( I always thought that I would have the cords, but so many things got in the way, and I started making really bad grades especially my junior year, which was a very tough emotional year for me in every aspect. This time last year, I had no intention of living to see graduation, so my grades didn't really matter to me. I told my parents I didn't want to walk in the fall but they laughed and thought I could bring my GPA up, but it wasn't really enough. I was really close to the cutoff too. I just hate not being good enough, and knowing it was all my fault, and I'm the only one to blame for sabotaging myself and getting in the way of my vision. I would pull out now but I made a commitment to my school's band to perform with them, and I have an important solo. I don't want to highlight myself if I'm obviously stupid. Kids have to pay for honor cords, so I suppose I could just say that I didn't want to pay for them.... even though they are only $10. Every single one of my friends will have them. I'm so sad this isn't how I wanted graduation to be. I was going to retake a class I got a C- in, but my parents thought I could bring my GPA up more. I hate myself. I'm so sad. I feel like I've disappointed all of my friends and family who thought I was smart. I've cried for hours. I won't want to take any pictures or talk to anyone without the cords. I started out high school so strong, and even my good friends who dealt with depression and SH during high school have stellar grades, like 3.8 or 3.9 GPAs. I'm the only one. I know it isn't that big of a deal, but it makes me sooooooooooooooooooo sad. I just want someone to cheer me up because nobody in my house has even made a decent effort I was always the smart one. Everyone always thought I was smart. My friends try to tell me that I'm smart, but they don't understand anything. I want to graduate, but not go through this torturous graduation.

[allimsaying]

Your writing is intelligent. Dont be hard on yourself if you can help it, that can complicate things. A lot happening to be disappointed about. Try and take it easy right now. Later you can seperate out the things you can do something about from those that are inevitable. Graduation is a big deal and Im sorry it isnt going the way you'd like it to. I hope you can find a way to re-assemble whats been scattered into a memory you'll enjoy. Sometimes when things dont go the way we plan, it can still turn out ok.

[gon3withth3wend]

I'm trying to tell myself that it will just be a couple hours, and afterwards no one will remember if I had chords or not. I do get some honors for my participation in other departments, but grades are different. And I wish that there was anyone at school that could truly understand what I was going through at the hardest times. I don't think my parents even understand. The fact that family is coming to see me upsets me because they've always been able to brag about my intelligence without really understanding. I hope that people will like my solo and that will overpower the rest. Also, I tried on my gown and it is extremely unflattering! Do you think people would mind if I took pictures without it on anyways? I feel uncomfortably wide with my gown on.

[allimsaying]

Here is how I hope it happens: 20 years from now you look at the picture of you, with, or without the gown, and you say to yourself, Those were the days, life was so much simpler then!;

In 30 years you'll look at the picture and you'll say, Wow! I can't believe how young I looked back then, I look so naive!;

Then, in 40 years you'll look at the girl in the picture with the hopes and dreams, the stars in her eyes, and you'll think, oh my, what I wouldnt give to do it all over again, with or without the gown!!

What really happens no one can predict. I hope you'll enjoy the graduation and everything it is and means.