[beautifulworld]

I've suffered with severe anxiety for a good chunk of my life. It's greatly improved now, but it still causes me problems.

I had a 'break down' in June of 2011 that lasted for just over a year. It was OCD and depression related (undiagnosed, but the symptoms make sense). This, at some point, caused most of my emotions to shut down completely. Joy, excitement, gratitude all went out of the window.

Now because of this emotional numbing, I keep questioning my motives for everything. My aunt and uncle very kindly took me in when my parents kicked me out (Not my fault. Mother tore the family apart and I got scapegoated.), gave me a room, treated me as one of their own despite their feelings regarding my father (They think he's scum.), bought me clothes for my current job as an au pair in Italy, gave me money for Italy and just generally helped me get back on my feet.

Anyway, I'm here in Italy. My homesickness is extremely bad, especially in the mornings, but I'm muddling through. I of course have the need to speak to people back home, but I can't tell whether it's because I miss them as people and am grateful for all they've done for me, or because I just need them for my own security and sense of self.

It isn't just this that's a problem though. I used to be overwhelmed by the beauty of nature (I know, it's all very 'American Beauty bag floating in the wind blah) but I did. It was an amazing feeling. I used to genuinely care about people (I was an attention seeker, and I did bully a girl in my school because it made me feel like less of a victim, so I wasn't Mary Poppins but I did genuinely want to please people and make them feel good).

Now I'm wondering if those were genuine emotions, and not just because I wanted people to like me. I know in my heart that that isn't true, and as thought of anything happening to my mother used to make me cry, but then I also don't.

I question my motivations about everything. I'm in this beautiful country, and I feel nothing for it. I get brief feelings of excitement, but they're weak and few and far between.

My aunt and uncle took me to their 'hut' in Devon, and I knew what I should be feeling/what I would have felt when I was younger, but I couldn't FEEL it. I was just going through the motions, acting how I knew a happy and excited person would act and react.

Has anyone else felt like this? Will it go? I over-think things far too much, which doesn't help. I'm never just 'in the moment'.

I'm also worried that if my emotions come back, my OCD won't have been OCD at all, but a real desire.

Help me! Not to sound too teenagery but it's ruining my life!

[beautifulworld]

Bumpity bump.

[Phreak]

I just wanted to post to say I read your post but didn't feel able to offer anything helpful.

Just don't feel like your thread is being ignored - I feel like that and it's horrible

Phreak

[winter4me]

Believe it will pass. You are in a new place, with responsibilities, and you are still in recovery, and as always, finding your way. You may need the numbness right now...a buffer/kind of protection. Sometimes, I think that when numbness takes over it is emotional exhaustion, time to recoup---like the body after heavy, endurance, exercise; just need a break. It feels strange and the interactions can feel "fake" but they are still occurring... hang in there. You are going to get through the aftermath too------------

[BonnieG2010]

I guess you are adding troubles to problems.
You have real problems, like a non-supportive real family, a job far from your place. Non everyone can face this easily.

Instead of supporting yourself, like a good mother, like fan of yours, seems like you are judging every single thought, feeling, impression: should I be feeling this? hey, why am I thinking that?

Feels like some kind of dissociation that might be related to the family breakup. Aunt and uncle have been wonderful to you, but you must learn how to cope with the breaking up with your family.
Sounds like a counsellor would be the person for you.

If you are in a big city, in italy, i guess there are english speaking counsellors. Or maybe, by now, you talk my language pretty well?