[lhmt]

I am overwhelmed... My whole family is in distress. And I have to take care of myself and get back to my life. I have no strength to do that. I have not written about my emotions in a really long time. This is going to probably be a very hectic post.

My grandma is in the hospital. She had a stroke in her brain(not really sure what it is called). When I got here to see her, I cried, dealt with my emotions and made peace with her dying. And then things got better which ironically made it worse.

So far she has decided to prove the doctors wrong and not die. She has woken from her coma, started moving her eyes and arm. She can not speak or move all of her right side. And she is in pain and miserable. I go to the hospital to see her moan, to try to cover herself up every time the nurse gives her a sponge bath, even struggle to breathe at times.

They will not keep her longer than Thursday in the hospital, and my poor lovely mum has to take her home. She is so many shades of tired. And there is nothing I can do. She keeps pushing me to go back to my house and my job because she would rather not worry about me as well. She is right but how can I stop worrying about her???

My grandma raised me for half of my childhood and I love her... I have no words for how much. And my mum as well. My sister, my dad, my aunt and cousins are all distraught. And there is nothing I can do. We are all helpless. And the one that is going to carry the load of taking care of a woman that is aware of everything that is going on around her but cannot communicate or move is my mum. And she refuses to let me stay here and help her.

I have began wishing my grandma would die... I am in the worst place I could be right now, emotionally. Help

[catsrhelm]

What you are going through is anger, and it is a normal part of the grieving process. I would google "stages of grieving" for more information. You don't have to go through the stages in the order they are presented, by the way.
I would still suggest you offer your mum help. Caretaking is a hard job, and you need a support system to do is and maintain some sanity.

[avlady]

Maybe your mum would really like it if you helped her out with your grandmother, but is giving you the opportunity for you to decide rather than her making the decision. It is also a part of the greiving process that you wish she died but you can't stay in that place too long. Obviously she may die sooner than you think, but don't feel guilty if she does, because you wished her dead, that wouldn't be the reason she died either.

[One_Step_At_A_Time]

Hi LHMT,

I understand the pain of grieving; am currently going through a raw grieving process. I had a visual of what grief looks like for me. I'd like to share it with you. Maybe it will help. I liken grieving/grief to childbirth and labor. It comes and goes and sometimes the pain is unexpected. But at the end the outcome is something so healing and beautiful. I have to remember that "this too shall pass" and life will go on. The more I can continue dealing and accepting reality, not the fantasy I wish I could have, that I can move forward and not be stuck in this pain. It sounds like it is hard for you because you had your mind set on her death and maybe that was closure for you. But she is still alive. I kinda feel the same as the person I am grieving for is still alive as well. My mind jumps way far ahead to wondering what it will be like living life without ever seeing that person again. But someone said "Don't borrow trouble." I guess that means stay in the moment.

I hope that your situation resolves. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.