[LimeAid13]

I am finally exhausted. And sick. Last Thursday, I found out that I have a "small leak" in the mitral valve of my heart. The cardiologist was supposed to call me friday, but he didn't. I suppose that if it were really serious, I would have heard something by now, but I can't stop worrying. Every time I begin to have a panic attack, I **really, really, really, really*** think I might die this time. It is horrible.

On top of that, my mother and I drove from Texas to Arkansas in order to clean out my grandparents' house and to visit our extended family. We have never made a trip up here that did not result in a total emotional hurricane. Today was no different. I love my mother and father more than anyone else that I know. They are SO important to me. I am an only child, and my parents are the only real family that I have. I came up here to help my mom clean out my grandparent's house because I didn't want her to have to go through that alone.

I feel like an emotional whipping post. Everything I say is "too negative". If I don't say anything, then I am "not being honest". It feels like every breath I take is wrong somehow. We went to my cousin's birthday party today. It was a two hour drive from where we are staying. She yelled at me the whole way back. We are stuck in the same hotel room together. I have tried, and tried, and tried to get her to talk to me calmly and rationally. Nothing I say or do makes this better. I am not blameless; I am sure that I have contributed to this nightmare. But I really can't take it anymore. I am really thinking that in the morning I want to fly back home. That will be terrible, because I don't want to abandon my mother here. She won't speak to me for God knows how long..... But she will not stop being angry at me, and I am not even sure what I did wrong.... It is like this every single time that I can remember ever coming to visit these people.

I am never, ever, ever coming to visit our extended family again. They really aren't my family anyway. They are her family, not mine - she said so, and it hurt - a lot. I am so sad. I wish I knew how to work this out, I have thought and thought, and I just don't know what to do.....

I had coping skills. They weren't the best, but there was a time when I possessed some modicum of emotional resilience. Now I really can't take any more of this crap.

[NWgirl2013]

I'm sorry, this sounds awful. I have come to realize that there are lot's of us, like you & I, who would never know or have anything to do with some people if we weren't related to them.

That being said, you won't be the first person to make your own path without your relatives in your life.

I am sorry you tried to be supportive and it backfired.

Sending good thoughts & some extra resilience your way. And prayers for No More stress on your health

[LimeAid13]

Thank you so much!! I *really* appreciate that. Incidentally, things got a lot better....

[LimeAid13]

Apparently, my entire family is just insane.... Anyway, my mother and I resolved our differences. I am so relieved. Our family is totally weird, but we got through the trip, and made it back home. I suppose the lesson here is that family relationships can survive and endure, even when it seems like everything is falling apart.

Having said that, I will add that I am super irritated with my extended family because someone left a ten pound bag of calf-milk replacer in my grandparents' house for six years and I had to clean it up because everyone else was too afraid. For those of you who don't know what calf-milk replacer is, consider yourselves very, very lucky. There was a gas mask involved. Seriously.

Despite the challenges, I am grateful to have an extended family, albeit a very dysfunctional one.

I am also *very* grateful that psych central exists!!

[Thunder Bow]

It Is Time For You To "Fly Back Home"!

[happiedasiy]

Why would your mother say your extended family isn't yours?
Were you adopted? I am sorry your mother says hurtful things to you.
How old is your Mom? Does she realize how hurtful and damaging her words are?

Do you have someone to talk to? How is your relationship with your father?

This may not help you feel better but you are not alone.
People here at pc have been through a lot and are kind.
The more you share you will find friends that are dealing with the same issues.
Your Love and loyalty to your parents speaks highly to your character.
You are not a failure.
Emotional energy has to be fed, if not it gets depleted. You need to replenish
your spirit and exhale painful memories.
I hope you find what you are looking for, I am Happiedasiy