................loves me. If they do, I destroy it. Can't believe it. Because they always turn out to be human so I destroy it, or I simply can't believe it. Maybe I am so black and white that I think if one thing happens to distort what love is to me, then, it must not be love. Other times, I am just incapable of conceiving of the idea that anyone could possibly love me. ffs I got problems....meh ......fkd thing is....I love so dam purely and easily. I am a walking target

[Onward2wards]

((( Lux ))) It must be difficult for you to trust in love when you are also waiting for the "other shoe to drop"?

Maybe ... if one thing happens to distort what love is to me, then, it must not be love.

What IS love to you, then? What preferences, boundaries, actions etc. are involved in that? Do you discuss that with people you get close to? I'm not sure enough people are clear about the expectations in a relationship.

Other times, I am just incapable of conceiving of the idea that anyone could possibly love me. I love so dam purely and easily. I am a walking target

So, do you consider yourself in some way not worthy of being loved, or perhaps you anticipate being rejected, or both? You mention being able to love purely and easily. Some people unfortunately do take advantage of that, taking more than they give. It's important to give yourself credit for being so caring and able to open up to people - not everyone is like that.

Everyone has to balance the give and take in a relationship, so love comes from a position of mutual respect, rather then one person doing all the trusting and hoping while the other party promises the moon and delivers less. Expressing your needs and realizing you are a person deserving of being loved is necessary.

Sorry Onward. I was away at the shores. I came online a wee bit while away but, didn't check my posts. Thank you for replying. Yes. I suppose that worrying love is not love (as I understand it) can hamper its potential. But, at the same time, even before these things [whatever they are *in toto*] occur, I am in full trust really. I imagine that to be because my heart is true. I must admit, come to flirtation I am wide in expression. In relationship, I am true. (I am speaking IRL , which can develop on-line, and in fact led to a 2 year thing for me)

Love to me goes beyond the superficial. The thing that remains when the house of cards collapses [the comfort of it all running smooth]. The thing that says, I genuinely care about what this person thinks, feels, their welfare.

If I really say what it is here, I must admit that my behavior does not project these things. But, that is because I am not loved. I am an object, a concept, a tool who is a means to an end. It never fails.

Maybe I don't even recognize when I am loved. I mean it always ends with me leaving because I feel "not good enough" and them saying…"I am a grown man! /woman….I can say for myself who's good enough. Please don't leave." But, I can't believe it. Thing is, there are behaviors which over time, collect, and in sum say to me that this person is very inconsistent. I dunno.

I guess I don't discuss it with people I get close to. I tell them they "can abuse me in any manner." That. "I want it." And I do.Because it is what I learned. And that abuse feels so powerful that it translates to love. I can't explain it. I need to "feel" powerfully. When it tones I panic.

Yes, I consider myself fully unworthy, although you may never know it by my behavior. I generally do project a confidence, and hardness of heart to protect me from anyone getting in. Then it leaks out. Once I trust, and the excitement of "learning me" wears off, idk….it falls away. As if people have a facia. I really do seem to be rambling. As though my thoughts are not cohesive. Haven't even had coffee. I apologize there is no better outline for/...and /disorganization of my expressions. Perhaps after caffeine ….. *shrugs, and sighs*

Thank you for taking time out of your life to interact with me. I do appreciate that you have.

[Onward2wards]

"I love so damn easily ... I genuinely care about what this person thinks, feels, their welfare. There are behaviors which ... in sum say to me that this person is very inconsistent ... I need to feel powerfully ... Once I trust, and the excitement of "learning me" wears off ... it falls away, as if people have a facia."

Lux, abuse is not love, but love does feel powerful and needs to be nurtured over the long haul to retain its spark (much like life itself). Abuse is a form of emotionally intense attention - it is NOT the kind of attention that teaches a person they are worthy of respect and kindness! I suspect that even negative, painful attention is in a way less frightening and demoralizing than cold, absolute indifference for most of us.

Genuine love is comforting, tender, scary (because it requires mutual vulnerability due to honest shared caring), warm, supportive, exciting - and most of all consistently present. It proves itself worthy of being trusted. You need to have your trust built up - earned, really - by people treating you with consistent, patient respect and caring so you can feel worthy without being hurt again. Real healthy love encourages you to trust and love yourself. It teaches you two things - that you are significant, and that you merit kindness and respect without a ton of conditions.

Others have their own issues - everyone does - which tends to get in the way of that consistency you need. All I can advise is trusting while protecting your own boundaries - being clear on your needs and rights. This is a balancing act for everyone, it takes practice and insight.

As for interacting with you, it doesn't take time out of my life - it adds to the pleasure and meaning of my time. I genuinely care about what you think, feel, your welfare.

It just has seemed to come in this bundle for me On. I suppose perhaps, somewhere within, I prefer this. Because at that point, it is in the open. Not, or less…likely to surprise me when the dark side comes settling down. I seem to press genuine love down. It frightens me. I can't even trust it. I become vulnerable if I consider believing someone loves me, or if they state they do. Presence…wow. That hits home. I have been told I don't consistently have that feature. I mean aside from the D.I.D. I have a dissociative element which is there affecting cognizance. Your advice " trusting while protecting your own boundaries - being clear on your needs and rights " is perspicacious, and appreciated. Thank you. And, thank you for caring for me. The sentiment is mutual.