Who has parents that screwed them up??

Ugh. Yes. I think it is extremely sage advice that you seek parenting classes and read as much as you can get your hands on. Also, a group might be really great, too! If you like that sort of thing (personally, I love group settings. I love getting to feel human).

I commend you for wanting to break the cycle and give your kid (and you) a chance

Hi Sjw,
I am thinking that the blame should stop at your door step. You can not change the past but you can change the future. If the will to change is there then it will happen. Start looking at yourself to see what you are portraying to your children. If they are around that behavior they will be that behavior. This includes your extended family. They are not going to change and they are not going anywhere. The only way you can make this happen is by putting yourself and your kids first. Changing your environment will be life changing for you and your children.

When my son was about your daughters age we went to retirement homes to spend time with the elderly, we did this for a couple of years. We shared ourselves with these wonderful full of life story's persons. I think this helped mold and shape my son into a caring and selfless individual.
I am thinking that maybe if you took your daughter with you to these places that you volunteer at, by sharing this with her could help. I dont know just a suggestion.
Good luck

It is hard to be a selfless person. Some people are born with it some are not. But that doesn't mean its not there.

I just read this in Psychology Today. It gives some great advice on how to work toward not being our toxic mothers/parents and reminds us that we are good and have lots to give (despite a lousy role model / upbringing)...there is hope

http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/mo...idn-t-have-one

I am dealing with similar situation. I am a father of 3 an my controlling behavior is KILLING me.. So many times I promised myself to be different but seems like I am acting like my parents... I want my kids different.. How to overcome controlling behavior, can someone tell me where to start?

Dad used to chase us down the hall with a belt. Not sure if we ever got hit. When I was six he played Russian roulette with my mother and the gun went off on him. Made the front page. I remember smiling when my mother told me. Mother was horrible. Provided us with food and shelter, not much love and then tried to kill herself when I was 13. Didn't work unfortunately!! Finally she died and I must admit I was relieved.
So I have two daughters and I did my best to be nothing like my mother. It can be done and you can STOP the legacy here and now. Learn some patience and pick your battles wisely. Listen to the very good advice that has been given on your post. But mostly just Love love love those kids!!!

I know what you mean. Unfortunately, my genetic endowment sort of messed up along the way and now I am suffering for it every single day. My story is sort of sad and to this day, I feel extremely frustrated. My father has a PhD in Engineering from MIT, he worked extremely hard to get to where he is. He struggled along the way as the opportunities for success where not as abundant back then (1980s) as they are right now. Nonetheless, he persevered with a great deal of motivation and grit to get to where he is today. I guess everything was perfect...until he met my mother.

My mother grew up in another country and faced a great deal of stress and pressure as she was the oldest among 5 children. Her parents were not very supportive of her goals and endeavours and sent her away when she turned 18. She went from job to job and obtained a modest education from a university. Apparently she charmed my father's socks off and they were immediately married (it was an arranged marriage). Then I was born.

My parents hoped that I would follow in my father's footsteps. To succeed beyond the scope of his horizons and achieve much more. He dreamed of me becoming a doctor or an engineer and hoped that I would go to Harvard or another prestigious institution. However, as I was growing up I noticed that there was just something not right about me. I could not get along with my peers although I was very extroverted. School was another uphill battle. I could not understand numbers or abstract concepts for the life of me. My handwriting was very poor, I was disorganized, and would often drift off from the tasks at hand. Teachers called me out for not paying attention and following directions and I was constantly in the principal's office for interpersonal conflicts among my peers.

As I entered high school, I found myself extremely isolated from the rest of my peers. I didn't have any sort of talent nor was I brilliant by any means. My grades were horrendous despite consistent effort. Both my parents enrolled me in private tutoring, piano, saxophone, and guitar lessons, and even sports teams but I still could not catch on. Standardized tests were horrible and I just didn't get why despite coming from such a good pedigree from my father's side was I consistently failing. All of my other peers with similar backgrounds were on the fast track to success. In fact, one of my peers ended up getting a research paper published in a scientific journal. He went to Harvard for undergrad and was accepted into the MD/PhD program at the medical school. I didn't get what was wrong with me.

Only then I was formally diagnosed with ADHD. I was livid with my pediatrician because he saw the symptoms ever since I was a child and brushed them off. I called him out on that and he broke down and apologized for his lack of judgment. It didn't help that he was a family friend. I asked him why did this have to happen to me, did I do something wrong? And he said that it's purely genetic. It couldn't be my father and my doctor and I both agreed that it was my mother who passed on this horrible condition to me along with other undesirable traits.

To this day, I have a great deal of resentment towards her as I did not take after my father in any way. Maybe, I inherited physical aspects such as height and even weight. But I took everything else from my mother. In fact, I feel like I'm an exact replica of my mother as a guy though. When I was administered an IQ test, I scored in the average range and the discrepancies explained my struggle with mathematics and problems that required spatial ability. I took after my mother and I am so livid. Why did this happen to me? Wouldn't natural selection have favored my father's brilliance over my mother's traits? It's cruel and painful.

I always wonder what could have been done to prevent this. Even my father probably wishes that he didn't marry my mother. I wish they didn't meet and he could have ended up with someone better.

The moral of my story is: Looks can be deceiving. If you want smart children, marry a smart woman!

I am still working on these collected problems that have affected me and my family. So much anger! It hurts!

Yeah....my mom was undiagnosed NPD (her pdoc called her 'flighty', 'headstrong', and 'unstable'). My dad, although kind and good to my brother and myself when we were young, wasn't around much. He was afraid of my mother as nearly everyone was. She could be hysterically funny....and she could be hysterical. Depended on her wants.

I worked very hard to NOT raise my children as she did my brother and myself...to much success (my brother has done the same). It was a struggle, I won't say it wasn't with some things...BPD makes it that way. But I worked at it...told my kids every single day I loved them...we'd make a game of it..i.e. 'who loves you?'....they liked to name every person (and animal) on the planet before they'd grudgingly say 'mamma does'. My mother told me she loved me once...when she was falling down drunk. That was NOT going to happen to my babies.

I'm not perfect...I still make mistakes, and still made them as they were growing up. But they never doubted I loved them, and they never doubted their father loved them. That is the legacy I leave....I hope.

Originally Posted by Sjw081087 View Post
I get where you coming from. I understand what you mean its just hard when everything "no, yuck, gimme". I have a tendecy to yell back at her and tell her thats to bad your eating it, picking up that, sitting in time out. I get upset and dont think about talking to her and listening. :'(. I requested that book from my library. Praying it helps. Thanks for your input.

To everyone else...I feel your struggle and see how we have become better, stronger people because of our parents downfalls. I wish everyone the best on your journey to being a better person. *hugs* to all!!

Tinyrabbit has really good advice for you. It "is" a good idea to read more about parenting as well as child development. While you want to be different from your parents, you will still have some of their interactions set deep in you not realizing it.

Some children can be fussy about food, so I always had things I knew my daughter liked and had a set menu every week trying to make it as healthy as possible.

I always set time aside for my daughter every night, I read to her every night and we talked about the stories, that gave us cuddle time, she got "all" my attention and it also began our relationship of talking to each other that lasts to this day.

Remember a child doesn't have their "one" personality until age 5. Ages 3 and 4 are the ages of "no" too. I found with my daughter that if I had a "schedule" where she got to be with me and have all my attention, she was much better. We did things together too, like coloring and painting/crafts as well as the reading. It is "very important" that you build a relationship using what I suggested otherwise you will turn around and the next thing you know she will be fourteen and you and her will not communicate well at all.

OE

At least I will break the cycle of parents ****ing up their kids because I will have none.

Good for you to recognize that you can break that cycle!

Pick your battles. For things that are very important, sit down with her and make a chart together about rewards and punishments... when you discuss the whys and hows behind your desires for her improved behavior, and allow her to help make the decisions for when she does good and otherwise, then YOU won't be the "ogre" and won't have to take it personally when she makes mistakes.

Make sure you have the basic behaviors you want... whether it's eating all on her plate (don't give her so much?) or picking up her bedroom or doing a chore..
have the activity and then a column for reward and one for result if not done or improper behavior (like backtalking.)

Then when these rules are posted, you only have to refer to them, remind her she agreed, and enact it. You won't have to remind her of a reward for going the whole day without using a bad word... but you will have to remind her of the agreed-to timeout or loss of a privilege (tv, computer) if she messes up.

Doing this will also teach her how to self discipline and make plans and goals ... and will make the rule chart the punisher while you can still be the rewarder! It will help her learn to feel good about herself, that she isn't "only, always" a "screwup" as you phrased it. (and you aren't always one either mom!) See if she can help you help her..cooperate to make life easier.

Be sure to add in the love..tell her you love her..you don't always like how she acts, but that doesn't change that you love her. Surprise her with rewards "for no real reason"... so it isn't all about goals and punishment for not being "good enough".

Good wishes.