Soul Sick

This is kind of hard for me to write about, and embarrassing to admit, so please be gentle with me guys....

I really hate this about myself but for whatever reason, I have this neurosis where I feel like I constantly have to appear really happy to people, and like I've "got it together". If anybody ever asks me "what's wrong" or "you seem upset" I get really shaken up inside. It just makes me feel really exposed.

It's frustrating because I see other people and how they act, and they all seem so open and comfortable with their feelings and thoughts, whereas I feel like I struggle to even be aware of myself and what I'm feeling sometimes. Sometimes I even feel like kind of a fake because I don't show my feelings much and I feel like people never really know what's going on with me...

My younger co-worker today asked me if I was alright, that I "looked sick". It was only after she said that that I became aware of the nausea I was feeling because of some bad cookies I ate (and had no breakfast this morning). But also I just feel....sick of my job, sick of my life. Almost like a soul sickness. I don't know how to describe this to people. I guess I am depressed because I feel a lack of spirituality or meaning in my life, so no matter how much I work, do well at school, be a good sister/daughter/worker/artist whatever...I just always feel so empty and sad...

Sorry this post is so long. I just needed to let this out. Please be kind guys....feeling fragile now....

~Alma

I understand... hugs

Thank you...

~Alma

I also understand I have many disguises and understand the feeling fake part too! Are you in therapy?

Hi allme! I'm so glad you understand too...I was in therapy but I didn't like my therapist so I stopped going...I felt like she was too brusque with me. I would feel kind of throttled by her. I have this very cautious and polite sort of personality and she was very talkative and outgoing to the point of being kind of brazen. She would talk about her New Age beliefs and even though I'm kind of into that stuff too, I felt like she was just using our sessions as an excuse to ego-trip, without concern for my feelings. I told her I was concerned once that I was weak and she was like "I don't think you're weak but I think you are brittle." I was very offended and hurt by this so I basically just stopped going. I feel very wounded actually by my experiences with my therapists so I decided to just go it alone.

I'm so glad I found this forum. I often wish I had someone to talk to but I think it will be a while before I do therapy again, if ever...

~Alma