Struggling to hold back my emotions

've been researching stuff on the internet and I think I might be suffering from depression, social anxiety and avoidant personality disorder.

For a while I’ve been feeling pretty low and had feelings of self-worthlessness, low self-confidence and esteem, irritability, anxious and being pessimistic. I also take ages to go to sleep because I keep thinking about sadness. I've had minute thoughts of suicide before. When I enter a "depressed mood" it's like I’m trapped in a hole and can't climb out. I don't feel like doing anything. It feels as if energy has been sapped out of me and I just prefer lying in bed doing nothing. I can't even be asked to do things that I generally like doing. The worse thing is that I’m just digging myself into a deeper hole every time I enter one of these moods.

I try to be optimistic but to be honest it feels like there is no point and that I should give up. (I'm just so pessimistic at the moment and think about how stuff can go wrong such as when I’m performing at concerts). Whenever I get up I just get knocked back down again. I just feel so lonely and uncared about and feel as if life is going against me. Kind of as if it's torturing me mentally with all these dark thoughts. I just want to talk to someone but I can't talk to my friends because they just don't know what to say or I’m not close enough to them plus the people I’m good friends with make me feel bad. I find it so hard to open up to people. At the moment I’m fairly introverted. I feel like a locked treasure chest. I’m comfortable around my friends and I’ll engage in small talk but whenever they ask how I feel I always say "fine" even when I’m not. I just can't express how I feel to them and I just hide my feelings and repress them which makes me even more unable to express myself.

Whenever ever I do feel really sad or emotional after a while I feel so empty and numb. It's like all the bad feelings have sucked up all the emotion out of me. I feel so inhumane afterwards because when I feel empty I lack emotion and love. Therefore to counter this I try to be more caring and like people more (I end up fancying girls or do other caring stuff) but it doesn't really work out because not many people care about me and I get rejected by everyone that I like and I feel as if I bore my friends with my problems and that they don't want to talk to me which makes me sad and emotional and thus empty again so to counteract this I try and be more caring. It’s a vicious spiral which just gets bigger and bigger. I get really sensitive whenever someone rejects me. Even as a joke because I’m paranoid that they might actually not like me.

What caused me to feel like this was people rejecting me when I liked them and also feeling lonely. When I do get rejected I feel angry and bitter. I’m always like what is wrong with me? Why won't people like me? Then I start getting negative thoughts such as: you'll never find anyone, you don't deserve love. This just leads to the anger building up but instead of taking it out on something I just take it out on myself. I guess it's basically self-bullying because I say horrible stuff about myself to myself. I just take out my anger on myself. Instead of exploding I’m imploding? This bitterness creates dark thoughts and evil thoughts randomly pop into my head. Whenever these evil thoughts pop into my head if they're wrong but I feel so guilty and bad for thinking them. I feel like a monster I guess because I know that if I ever release my emotions and take them out on someone else I will do something terrible. Stuff that would turn my friends against me and would make people hate me, therefore I just take out my anger on myself because I don't want to hurt other people because I’m not a monster but if that deep down I have those feelings and I just feel as if I am a monster even though the rational side of my brain is saying I’m not but every time I enter a bad mood the dark side of my brain just gets stronger. I always find I hurt other people anyways by letting slip secrets by accident and this makes me feel even guiltier. I also feel more irritable than usual. karate's taught me to have self-control but I always seem to be getting annoyed at my family and raising my voice towards them whereas I’m more tolerant of other people.

Whenever I am happy I know that deep down (subconsciously) that those happy feelings are only temporary and that I will fall back into my "depressed mood." I guess I feel like a fake in some ways if I tell my friends that I think I’m depressed. My friends say I smile all the time and would say that I don't act or look depressed but subconsciously I feel bad. I tell them that I can be "depressed" all the time but no one likes a negative person or someone who's depressing to be around so at school I try and act normal. Sometimes I don't want to talk to anybody because I don't have the right person to talk to. I just want to hide. I guess I’ve been trying to cope with these feelings so I just smile to cover up and if someone asks how I am I just say fine. I also try and forget about these thoughts and try and not let them affect me but to not let them affect me I have to like disconnect my feelings so when I do I feel empty and uncaring. All I can do at is just use a mask and put on a brave face but it doesn't really help. It’s like painkillers. They only relieve the symptoms but don't get rid of the disease. Also I guess forgetting isn't the best idea because it makes it worse whenever I re-enter those moods. I guess sometimes the heavy rock of emotions I’m carrying isn't as overpowering as on some days and on those days where it's lighter, life is bearable. A good day for me is having no negative thoughts at all.

There are times where I wonder what's the point of being nice or trying to find happiness because I always feel guilty. Depressed people apparently have a bleak outlook of life. I know what I want to do in the future. (Go to Music College and become a musician) However I start getting thoughts about how I’m not good enough and that everyone is better than me. I get so paranoid... sometimes it feels as if I can't deal with life. This then causes anxiousness and I’m just like how am I going to do this or achieve this?

I've just become indecisive. I fail at doing simple tasks as well. If someone asks me to find stuff for them or set up apparatus for a chemistry experiment I just don't know what to do in case I knock something over. I just can't think when doing simple tasks. I’m always bugging my friends for advice and whenever I have to start a project or something I just don't know what to do because I get so self critical...

I also feel so insecure. I feel like I don't really fit in and that no one would notice or miss me if I disappeared. I always feel as if my friends aren't really my friends and that they don't care about me. I always feel as if I have to be better than people because that's the only way I’ll feel insecure but even then when I am the best I’ll feel insecure in case other people suddenly become better or I have a fall from grace. Even with friends I always feel as if they will unlike me if they find out my flaws or that they just say they like me when they really don't but are too nice to say. I just feel as if people think I’m boring... There are people I want to get to know better but we don't really have stuff to talk about. I think I’ve forgotten how to make friends in real life. All of my friends I talked to loads online on Facebook and stuff before getting to know them in real life. I feel way more confident online than in real life. Online I feel less judged.

There are also times where I feel paranoid. Like when I’m walking down the street I’m scared that people will think I’m stalking them if we're walking the same way.I always feel as if people are judging what I say and the way i act so I just shut up and be quiet. One example is that I don't like eating in public because I feel that people are watching me and judging me just on how I eat. I'm also paranoid that people might manipulate me.

I also feel so powerless and lack assertiveness. I hate working in large groups especially with people I’m not friends with. I just follow other people's ideas and let other people make the decisions. I want to make decisions but I can't express my opinions. People just repress me. I’m paranoid about feeling embarrassed because I might say something stupid. If there are times where I should speak up but I don't because I feel that I lack authority. I dislike talking to adults as well. They make me scared as I don't want to appear childish and foolish in front of them. I feel like people walk over me and that I'm just a pushover. I just don't feel like standing up for myself. I know I can but I don't.

It feels as if my mind is somehow being taken over a negative force and destroying every last shred of goodness and happiness. It's basically changing how I act and in a way it feels like part of my normal personality now. It's mental torture and it hurts a lot. Sometimes I feel pain at the bottom of my heart. It’s also destroying my sanity by making me irritable and less thoughtful.

I think I have social anxiety because I don't like meeting new people unless I’m sure they like me. I get so nervous about asking my parents stuff or when I my parents ask me to ask other people questions I never want to ask those people the questions my parents asked in case they think badly of me. If I want my parents to get me something it always takes me a few days before I pluck up the courage to ask them. I also don't like calling people when other people are near especially at home when my parents are home. I just don't really like adults judging me I guess. I avoid eye contact because it feels kind of weird doing that. I’m very self-critical and self-conscious. It comes from bad experiences form when people have called me stuff. The reason I fear being judges so much is because I always feel like the person in the song Creep by Radiohead. I just fear that people will think badly of me and dislike me. I never liked drama in case people thought I was silly. It just made me feel so embarrassed... Sometimes there are awkward silences and I just don't know what to do. I'm so socially awkward and lack social skills and confidence.

I don't want to go to the GP because I’m scared they'll say there's nothing wrong with me or tell me to get over it... also it feels as if I don't deserve help. I know there are people worse off than me so this just makes me even guiltier. The thing is I want to cry but I can't cry. I’ve down karate for nearly 10 years (I’m a black belt). It's like my mind is stopping me from crying because it knows that if I cry I will feel even worse. One thing it's taught me is mental strength but I can't hold back all these negative thoughts. They are overwhelming my mind.

Lastly I feel like a volcano wanting to erupt but when I do want to erupt I start feeling empty. I just can't release all the emotions that are building up in me in a way my mental strength is stopping me from feeling bad all the time. I’m just trying to cope at the moment. Maybe this is just a mental illusion and I should snap out of it. Most of all I just want to be myself but I can't because of all these fears... I wish i could release myself from the dark shackles that are holding me back...

Don't let anyone tell you that you're not important or that your struggle isn't either. Depression (which is what it sounds like you are dealing with) is hard to cope with, not just for you but for people around you - it's widely misunderstood, which can make it even more difficult to find compassion and help. But it is out there - and you can find it.

It can be depressing trying to find help, but don't give up - somewhere out there is someone who will work with you to find a solution and build up your mental health. You are important, and so are your feelings. I know it can be daunting and some days it just feels like the black hole is going to suck you in and never let you go - you CAN fight it and win. Everything you described are classic symptoms of depression - and it's good that you decided to talk about it. It's a first step towards many that will bring you back towards the light.

Don't worry, you're not alone.

Now type a positive post about yourself and your life. Use the same exact number of words as you did in your first post. No more no less.

not really in the mood at the moment people just make me feel bad :\

I can really relate to everything you wrote and described, especially being indecisive and fearing embarrassment in social settings and just your overall feeling of depression. You express yourself very well and sound highly intelligent. If you have a family member or your physician that you can reach out to, do it. Don't hold back out of fear. And if they don't hear your concerns in the way you need them to, find someone else who can help guide you in the right direction.
I think it's amazing that you've accomplished a black belt in karate. 10 years shows your ability to commit and be devoted and focused. Don't give up on yourself. It is painful but you will find your way. Keep trying to be optimistic.

i've got an appointment booked with a gp but there is no way i am going to tell my parents... i get anxious thinking about what they would say.

the thing is i don't really feel like doing karate anymore. it's mainly due to so many youngsters who aren't very focused :\

i feel fine now for the moment. only a few minor negative thoughts. the only thing is now i'm wondering whether i'm actually "depressed" and i might just be wasting the gp's time because most websites say depressed people feel down most of the time. maybe i'm just going through a good patch and the bad patch won't come?