[hour_glass]

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety about 2 years ago. I'm almost 20 years old, and female.
My medication seemed to be doing it's job until recently.
I feel beyond hopeless with myself and my future. 3 months ago I got out of a 1-year emotionally abusive relationship. That really damaged me. I have no friends, only some people that occasionally hang out with me but aren't really truly close. Everyone I know (like through Facebook) have a lot of friends and are always out doing fun things, it's obvious people enjoy their company, and it's the complete opposite for me. They're all happy in relationships, getting married and such; have good jobs or going to the college of their dreams. I've been in and out of so many relationships it's like I'm never going to find the right guy. The last two, since the beginning of the year, that I thought were going somewhere ended up leading me on and then ditching me. Guys just don't want to commit to me, I guess. I was sexually abused at 15 by an 18 year old while he was in a relationship with another girl, and then when I told my closest friends about it none of them believed me and thought I was just looking for attention. I began cutting myself at this age and considered suicide a few times. When I gave my virginity away to the first guy I loved at 17, he left me for a "cute Japanese girl" (his words) and was legitimately smiling and joyous the very next day. He told me he was not just relieved, but happy to be rid of me. After that I tried to cope by sleeping around, but obviously I only felt worse.
I don't have a job and it's overwhelming how many places are rejecting me one after the other. I am quiet and can be awkward to be around and social situations make my anxiety flare up, no one wants to hire someone like that. The last place I thought I was going to be working at for a good time decided they didn't think I was good enough for it. It was a hostess job, I couldn't even bus tables and seat people properly. I've quit applying because it's pointless, I won't ever amount to anything career wise. I'm convinced that I'm completely worthless to both myself and everyone else in the world. I'm a waste of a life and never should've even existed in the first place.
All I ever do now is sit at home because I'm so depressed and tired, it takes all of my energy to leave the house and do anything. Putting on a fake smile is incredibly painful, which is why it's hard to be around people right now. All people ever do is hurt me and make me feel bad about myself. I've gained 5 lbs which makes me so angry and sad at the same time, I thought that I already was fat before and I absolutely despise my body and how it looks - and I'm not exaggerating when I say despise.
There is literally nothing going for me at all and I have no motivation whatsoever. I honestly wouldn't mind just walking into the middle of a freeway and getting hit.

[kitten55]

Does your psychiatrist know your meds may need to be adjusted? For example, were you put on the right stuff to begin with? Sometimes, when I am desperate and feel hopeless but Know I can't go there, I intentionally focus on aspects outside of myself, like my meds, what I am eating, cleaning off my dresser, watching the cat breathe. I don't know. It helps me.

[bobba]

same here I have been depressed since I was 13. Im 22 now.

[BLUEDOVE]

A couple of questions: When you first meet someone
new,do you go overboard with pleasing them?
Do you find it hard or impossible to say no?
Do you think YOU are lucky to have met them,
rather than THEM being lucky to have met YOU?
When needed,can you allow yourself to be angry?
Do you think you are good enough for other people?
If most of these do not show you in a good light,
I would strongly suggest you study how to raise
your self-esteem--I cannot stress enough how important that is. Message me if you want more
info.
May Your Force Be With You,
BLUEDOVE

[GardenLady59]

I would seek some mental/emotional and spiritual help immediately. Cutting and suicidal thoughts are your Number 1 concern right at the moment. Most boys (and they are still boys rather than true men until they are at least 25 or 30 years old) your age are not capable of being sexually faithful to one lady. Taking it personally is taking far too much away from you both in the past and right now in the present.

You are still very young, and need to get help for yourself. Let the other issues with friends and boyfriends alone for a long while as you get yourself healthy in mind, body and spirit. There are professionals out there who can help you accomplish this. Please go immediately. Life is worth living and it's just the depression that is warping your belief system in this area right now. I am a mother. I have no grandchildren and only one daughter. I have prayed and continue to pray many a prayer for her to regain her health and spiritual boundaries. She is older than you. She is 30. There are adults who can know and can love you. They don't want you suffering this way. I wish you wellness and peace.

[shabur]

In addition to the above suggestions, I would also suggest joining a therapy group. In these groups you are able to work through what's going on, better understand why and what you need to do to fix it.
Good luck.

[hour_glass]

Originally Posted by kitten55

Does your psychiatrist know your meds may need to be adjusted? For example, were you put on the right stuff to begin with? Sometimes, when I am desperate and feel hopeless but Know I can't go there, I intentionally focus on aspects outside of myself, like my meds, what I am eating, cleaning off my dresser, watching the cat breathe. I don't know. It helps me.

In the beginning things worked well but then I needed it to be brought up, and my doctor prescribed a higher does for me and I felt better until recently.

[hour_glass]

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

A couple of questions: When you first meet someone
new,do you go overboard with pleasing them?
Do you find it hard or impossible to say no?
Do you think YOU are lucky to have met them,
rather than THEM being lucky to have met YOU?
When needed,can you allow yourself to be angry?
Do you think you are good enough for other people?
If most of these do not show you in a good light,
I would strongly suggest you study how to raise
your self-esteem--I cannot stress enough how important that is. Message me if you want more
info.
May Your Force Be With You,
BLUEDOVE

- Yeah usually, mostly just with guys. I try my hardest to come off as a good person.
- Yes often times.
- Yes pretty much all the time.
-I don't need to allow myself to be angry because my anger just explodes. I have mood swings a lot and can't control it.
- Not at all.
Thanks for the advice