[PinkPearl]

I've been married 14 years, 40yo. I'm 32 weeks pregnant with our second child. I grew up in a very violent and emotionally abusive home and have PTSD. I also manage a mood disorder, most likely due to the abuse. My husband and I have gone through rough periods in which I feel disrespected and undervalued. During those times I find myself feeling emotionally needy, like I have other needs that my husband can't fulfill. My husband has a short temper, and when he gets frustrated with me complaining about something or expressing my feelings, he flips out and screams at the top of his lungs. He's only gotten physical with me a few times in our relationship, but two weeks ago he completely lost it when I expressed that he and his sister hurt my feelings. (Too long a story for here, but I'm convinced my feelings were justified.) That night he screamed, followed me up the stairs, and tore a cup of hot tea out of my hand, spilling it everywhere and making me feel threatened. After I got him to come downstairs so he wouldn't wake our 8yo son with his screaming, he picked up a chair and hurled it over his head, then picked it up again and threw it at me. I saw it coming and moved away in time. I was so scared I ran downstairs and locked the door. He kept pounding on it and screaming, saying I was crazy and I blew the chair throwing out of proportion. I finally called my neighbors. He calmed right down when they showed up. Anyway, ever since that night, I've felt very needy. I told a male friend, I think because I needed to feel safe. He works with domestic violence victims in a legal capacity as well. I told him too much - not about the chair and the hot water, but too much. He is mutual friends with my husband and didn't want to get in the middle, but I think I really overwhelmed him these past couple weeks with emails every few days. I was afraid he might not believe me and kept going on about that. I'm not normally needy like this, I don't think. Do I have some sort of problem, or is this normal after a traumatic event?

[Perna]

Hi, PinkPearl, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I am concerned about your husband's behavior! I don't think you should feel safe if someone/anyone is throwing things at you and spilling hot drinks on you (and the floor where you could slip in the wet) and shouting at you! I would not worry about whether your friend believes you or not, I would go get help from your husband; I would not bring another child into a household where you do not feel safe all the time. His behavior does not have anything to do with you and your PTSD and "neediness" (I would get professional help rather than a friend/neighbor, even if they are professionals in the business); others can hear him shouting, I'm sure. Does not matter if he calms down when people come, he cannot be around you and behave that way! Make him get help or you get out. It is not you who have the problem, but him!

[PinkPearl]

Thank you, Perna. My husband has only thrown things at me a few times over the years, but I know it's unacceptable and this past incident was terrifying. He is going to see a therapist about it, which is encouraging, but I'm afraid it's going to turn into a "my wife is difficult and crazy and that's why I flip out" scenario. (My psychopharmacologist, btw, says I'm the "designated patient," but that I'm by no means crazy.) I'll admit I was very upset and had been nagging him for a couple days because I found out he and his sister were considering not including me in the gift for my father-in-law's 75th birthday (they bought him a car). I was shocked and hurt and angry, and I was very vocal about it (but never swore or yelled or anything). My husband kept saying it was "no big deal." And when I brought the subject up again two weeks ago, telling him I felt hurt that his sister had never apologized, he just lost it. That subject will never come up again. At this point I feel I have to be careful of what I say - It's nerve-wracking. And I don't want my son ever to hear or see him act this way. It's a miracle my son slept through the whole incident two weeks ago. I know I need to make a safety plan. Only problem is the layout of our house would make it difficult to get my son out if this happened again - There's only one way up to the third floor, no alternative exits. That's why I chose not to leave the house that night. Anyway, I'm rambling. Many thanks for your support.

[Thunder Bow]

You have a true "Need" this time, and do need help and professional intervention.