[djclark01]

My psychologist has been sick for a couple of weeks and I am having difficulty processing difficult emotions. For example, I am sick of being an underdog in this life. That said, there is no story without overcoming something. My life has always been rather difficult (as many others on this site I imagine). Sometimes I feel the acute pain of something missing and then there is the overwhelming boredom at times. Mix those things together and you get a lot of suffering.

In any case, spring is here and I have been going back to the gym and trying to take things light (although my quest for wisdom has no end). I am still searching for the right spot, personally and professionally. I fashion myself as being born with certain disadvantages and having to work harder than most to try and survive and maybe have a little fun. Maybe by being born without certain things I can strive and do great things or at least grow personally and get wiser and find a bit of happiness (or a lot of it).

I also think about fighting against the machine. We are all born into this life and are right away told what we can do or say. On top of that, I feel most people are conformists and want to enforce this system. Sometimes I feel like an outcast living on the fringe and there is no doubt I am. I am like the punk-rockers, who are fed up with being rejected and just resign themselves to fate. If you don't look a certain way or act a certain way, there is no acceptance. I have just given up walking on eggshells. Crucify me if you must, but I am going to speak my mind.

There are people out there that are so dead set on their agenda, they have become monsters. You can't say anything anymore without someone jumping down your throat to defend their cause. So I say, the hell with your cause if it brings tyranny upon me.

I know a lot of people are scared to even know me. There are a lot of people that would even be afraid to stand by my side if it meant they would have to be strong to be by my side. And for a lot of people it is just not worth it. They have what little or a lot of what they have worked for or have been given, and they don't dare step out of line. I guess it is all about risk/reward. It is easy to rise up if you have to eat rice for dinner everyday but harder if you are eating at least decently. Sometimes, it is all about what you have to lose and what you have to gain. Personally, I don't have anything to lose.

I am going out there in life and doing whatever I want to day in and day out. If I fail then its not on me, it's on the system, because I will do everything I can possibly do to make my dreams come true. If I don't succeed in my life, then there wasn't any possibility for success and we can say the game is completely rigged. I have a feeling it is (although maybe that is my fear) but even so, I will fight to stay alive and stick it to the man (figuratively speaking).

As far as I am concerned. Everyone makes their own choices. What you do always has some form of consequence to it. But myself personally what society sees as "normal" is a load of Bull, everyone is normal, meaning they where made that way because that is how they where meant to be. Just because one person suffers from depression and "normal" society doesn't, does not make them "crazy, etc" What most theropiest and even psychologist do is label someone "crazy" because they have no clue as to who that patient really is. Ironically, my husband is a trained psychologist, but is a very unusual one. His teacher actually told him that if he ever became a psychologist he would quit teaching.
For example, you say you want to kill yourself, he will not sit there and "baby" you. He will look at you and tell you either "If you were actually going to do that, you wouldn't have said a word to anyone, you are actually crying out for help just by saying it"
So after he says that he will actually listen to what your problems are, but he is not going to sit there and sugar coat everything. He is going to tell you how he sees it and if you take it the wrong way, well that's on you. But in the year and half being married to him, I would rather deal with a psychologist/counselor like that then ones that just sit there and talk ********, just because they want money.
But unfortunately he does not work in the field even though he graduated for it, because he doesn't like the way that most of them do things and if he were to even work as one, they most likely would not keep him for the fact that he doesn't "play by there rules" so to speak. So he picked up truck driving.

[djclark01]

I agree with you somewhat but I disagree with you in the fact that people can sense when you have a disorder and they often stigmatize that person. For all intents and purposes I am a normal guy but I will never be normal in their eyes. I am also no less of a person with a personality because I have the disorder however, and I didn't mean to put that across that way.

It's too bad that your husband never pursued being a psychologist because I think its a great field to be in right now, but I can understand that it can be hard for someone to play by unreasonable rules. He can always do it by the book until he has his own practice, where hypothetically, he might have a bit more freedom.

Originally Posted by djclark01

I agree with you somewhat but I disagree with you in the fact that people can sense when you have a disorder and they often stigmatize that person. For all intents and purposes I am a normal guy but I will never be normal in their eyes. I am also no less of a person with a personality because I have the disorder however, and I didn't mean to put that across that way.

It's too bad that your husband never pursued being a psychologist because I think its a great field to be in right now, but I can understand that it can be hard for someone to play by unreasonable rules. He can always do it by the book until he has his own practice, where hypothetically, he might have a bit more freedom.

I think you or I have misread something along the way. What i mean by a therapist labeling someone crazy, I mean that the person they are trying to help the still have not understood, so instead of continuing to talk to them they are labeled crazy. For example, a therapist or even a "normal" society person is talking to someone with schizo-effective disorder or even full blow schizophrenia and since they don't understand them they automatically think that they are crazy. I hope that makes a little more sense.

I have even asked him myself about why he doesn't just do that. His response is that most therapist and psychologist are told they cannot get "attached" meaning that they cannot constantly worry about every patient they have. Most psychologist and therapist will listen and give you advice about the situation or whatever they need to do. But with him its different. Not only would he help and give you the most logical advice he can, but he would worry more so over every patient he has. for example, a patient who suffers from depression comes in and he is severally depressed and he knows he has three small children to also worry about on top of being depressed. He would give him whatever advice he can to help him, but the minute he walks out the door he would worry all night long whether the patient is coping ok or not.

So instead of having to deal with all that worry, he basically just uses it for me. Since I have several disorders and sometimes he notices the signs of them before I even bother to tell him. When I first got with him I wouldn't tell him anything I would basically "explode" and it would just go from there. Now he has learned to watch for signs and before I "explode" he gets me talking. So I guess in a sinse its actually a good thing.

[djclark01]

I understand you now. That's very true.

As per the psychologist thing, I think that you do have to have some level of professional detachment to be a psychologist. Why is it fair to burden a psychologist with all that suffering. My psychologist reflects about what I have told him when I am not there but he can't spend every moment thinking and worrying about me. He has his own problems and worries and life to think about. Especially, if he had a lot of patients to deal with he would burn out pretty fast. I disagree with you on that but I must say that I find value in you questioning the practice. In any case, the therapeutic relationship is kind of a model for ones relationship with the world. For example, you are probably not always thinking about the people in your life when you are busy at work and they are not there. That's the nature of the world, the world is present with you in the moment, love comes and goes.

In any case, the therapeutic relationship is not supposed to be a friendship even though it sometimes feels that way. I myself have to remind myself that it is a professional relationship, it is something that helps you deal with real relationships. Anything more than that and you are fooling yourself. Its not a buddy-buddy thing. He/she is a professional who is helping you to learn to deal on your own.

In addition, I don't think I should have to suffer for other people.

Originally Posted by djclark01

I understand you now. That's very true.

As per the psychologist thing, I think that you do have to have some level of professional detachment to be a psychologist. Why is it fair to burden a psychologist with all that suffering. My psychologist reflects about what I have told him when I am not there but he can't spend every moment thinking and worrying about me. He has his own problems and worries and life to think about. Especially, if he had a lot of patients to deal with he would burn out pretty fast. I disagree with you on that but I must say that I find value in you questioning the practice. In any case, the therapeutic relationship is kind of a model for ones relationship with the world. For example, you are probably not always thinking about the people in your life when you are busy at work and they are not there. That's the nature of the world, the world is present with you in the moment, love comes and goes.

In any case, the therapeutic relationship is not supposed to be a friendship even though it sometimes feels that way. I myself have to remind myself that it is a professional relationship, it is something that helps you deal with real relationships. Anything more than that and you are fooling yourself. Its not a buddy-buddy thing. He/she is a professional who is helping you to learn to deal on your own.

In addition, I don't think I should have to suffer for other people.

Most of the time that is probably why I do not bother with talking to a therapist, just for the fact that I am talking to someone who has no idea who I am or even what my problems are. At the same time I really don't talk to people that know me for the fact that I don't want there 2 cents that actually doesn't really need to be there. For example, I was having problems a few years back and I went to a friend. Needless to say they put their two cents in and it actually caused more problems. So actually be able to talk to someone who knows me, but at the same time can be "professional" is a good thing, that way I don't feel like more problems are happening, if that makes sense.

[djclark01]

My therapist knows me well by now but I have been going to him for a few years now.

Yeah, everyone has something to say about everything and the world is always giving us what they think. It gets irritating to a point. It makes me not want to talk to people sometimes. People are always ready with their b.s.. Its like, if you barely know me and you don't want to get closer to me, then don't confront me on my behavior or offer your advice on this or that.