[-jimi-]

My next barfday is 45. It feels like a bigger milestone than 40 that I could ignore because of my childish personality.

I'm not going to lie. But I was born with a blessing and a curse. I was a multitalented child. I thought I'd BE something, including creating something. I'm also given a short attention span and a weak drive. So here I am. I have so many years and so little I really did.

On top of that I'm sick so I can't really say this is mid life, most likely I'll die in my late 50s or 60s.

Still I can't get going. It's like being stuck in quicksand. One false move and it gets worse!

I have so much hassle with daily life I forget how deeply unhappy I am about this. But when I think of it, it's like a weird dream, like last time I blinked I was 25 "with my whole life ahead of me".

I'm gonna go hide under a rock now. Feel free to put a blanket on and have picnics on my rock. Summer is coming and everyone is happy where I am.

[pegasus]

Hello jimi, I'm 45 too, where did my life go? Yeah I know the feeling and I seem to only be able to communicate online. Keep talking, I hear ya!

[gayleggg]

Jimi, I'm going to be 62 in May and I understand how time flies by and leaves us wondering what happened to the time. There were so many things I wanted to accomplish. I never seemed to make it over all the hurdles.

I am sending a blanket thought to keep you warm.

Hi jimi, I'm 48 but with this depression, it feels like time is moving very slowly. I don't really feel that old, actually. I feel like I've accomplished a lot in my day. Lately, not so much though. Just need to be feeling better, and I'll feel more accomplished.

[Frankbtl]

Hi jimi, you did turn out to be something!! You turned out to be you, and that is pretty special!!!
OK maybe you can't think of that many achievements (might have been but let's go with your depression maybe telling you not many!!) well someone can achieve lots of things in their life e.g. degrees, travel, big house...........but that won't necessarily mean that they've really had an important/significant impact on anyone, that they've been there when someone most needed it, that they're honest, that they're empathetic, that they're cared about...........And I'd say that those things are the most important/meaningful "achievements", so maybe more to you than you think??
And you still have plenty of time ahead of you, every day counts...........so maybe schedule in some things that you're going to want to do, don't even have to be a "big" statement, just things personal to you. It's your life, live it for you.
Depending on how you're feeling a weekend away, a trip to a concert (of someone you've liked!!), a trip to somewhere beautiful, placid, serene (whatever does it for you), watching the stars one night, writing about your experiences just for you, or if you only feel like talking to us on here (we're not that bad are we!!) then that in itself is meaningful in your life and in some of ours too in reading your threads/posts.
And all this time may have passed but all that time made you into you!!
You are going to know so much more now than "then", you are going to have so many life experiences (whatever they were!), you are going to have things to look back on and think "Yes, I did that..." all that can be priceless, and you have it, it is yours for the next however many years.
So out from under that rock jimi you're way too valuable to be lurking under there!!!
Alison

[-jimi-]

Wee! I getz glittery blanket! Quite a difference from the military type blankets I own.

At least I have promised someone to play the guitar this summer. It will make me play more. My other friend is very musically talented so I hope she brings an instrument too.

I'm telling myself, if I can write just ONE good novel, my life will be worth it (So far I've completed three crappy ones). That is what my new hope is.

So I'm starting.... Once upon a time

*thinking*

there was a magic cow.

*Stares at paper. Stabs paper with pen. Sighs*

[-jimi-]

Frank, I have gotten things back into my life that illness robbed me off. I can enjoy things now that I just found a hassle, like you say music concerts and a serene place. My country cottage is a life savior and I do things there that were not possible when I was sick.

I don't want to lose that. It is good to have and one cornerstone of my existence.

But another IS being creative, and I will not be truly content until I do that one more. I don't understand why I can't JUST START doing that. I don't know what is wrong with me in that sense.

It's just very, very important to me.

And the years go by. I blink. Another year goes by.

And no, I don't care for wealth, I never had it, don't want it. I eat my oatmeal, drink my tea, listen to the spring birds. It is a good existence, just being, just appreciating. I love every earthworm I find when I plant my seeds, all our crazy lizards under the steps, I love the blue sky, the sun and the stars at night.

But it is not enough and will never be enough.

[Frankbtl]

Hi jimi, you know I'd say playing the guitar is part of that "creativity" your looking for, isn't it???
If you can just throw yourself into it a bit more??? Music can be amazing, touching, moving...............and incredibly personal. And what a talent!!! And you know you can just put yourself into it if you find the right kind of music.
I know it can be there and gone sometimes after you've finished playing but could you think about videoing/recording just for your eyes (and maybe some friends eyes too)??
But with the writing, well you have got the other novels behind you, everyone's got to start somewhere!! Could you see those as refining your skills and put what you've learnt into the next?? Although maybe if your attention span isn't as good as it could be short stories or poetry might be a better way to go??
And plenty of tips on creative writing on line, if you haven't already checked it all out?? And you know even if publishing isn't going to/doesn't happen, I'd say if you've posted something online and it touches/resonates with just a handful of people then that's really meaningful!! Really!!! The impact on just someone/anyone can be so powerful!!

And SORRY jimi, but just can't resist, thinking about creativity, you playing the guitar, the start of your novel but do you think maybe you could try...........????:

Alison

[-jimi-]

LOL that was awesome.

I wish I could save up happy inspiration in a bottle.

I'm not good at starting, I'm not good at going on, I'm not good at finishing.

I'm still sure there is a "my way" of doing things, but I haven't found it yet.

I have tried a few on your list.

[Frankbtl]

Hi jimi, well it's good that you're not just "following the crowd", the "my way" bit is the road to true creativity!! It's more about getting it in gear, right?
Are there any particular times of the day or week you're more relaxed/at ease/free thinking that you could introduce more creativity?
Any different surroundings that may help e.g. if you can manage to go for a walk in the country with your guitar or a note pad and pen?
Any distractions or unnecessary tasks you could get rid of to free you up to do something more creative?
Any college courses or night classes you could sign yourself up for?
Any way you could set yourself some easy goals of doing this or that......in a timescale?
Anyone you can ask to give you a bit more encouragement/motivation?
Could you check out YouTube videos for tips on developing that creativity? There will be lots of individual approaches/styles on there.
Anyone's work you really admire? Maybe you could look a bit more into their work to direct/inspire you in where you want to go.
And if depression is a barrier maybe you could get some (more) help with that e.g. by talking with your doctor, a T or us!!
Well just a few thoughts............
Alison

Ah-ha! Wait 'til you all get to be 65 & haven't accomplished as G-D thing in your life... oh well... who said it was necessary to accomplish anything anyway? In the end, we're all just as dead either way.

[-jimi-]

LOL, thanx for that. Cheery.