[WantingPeace]

I know it sounds weird, but I don't remember the last time I actually really felt positive emotions. I think I've felt the negative ones for so long that I've forgotten how to feel happiness or joy.

I feel so disconnected from those emotions- it's as though I became "clinical" due to all of the trauma. It was easier to shut down at the time. The issue is that I was never able to turn them on again and now it seems as though all I can feel is self-loathing, guilt, anger, mistrust (of myself and others) and sadness. Or almost nothing at all.

But I'm very adept at masking behaviors so that others won't realize that there's anything wrong. I've learned the "appropriate" responses and imitate them so that no-one will know that while I might be smiling and joking, that's not actually how I'm feeling on the inside.

I doubt I'm unique in this, so if anyone can help me feel less alone I'd appreciate it very much. My last therapist snuck behind my back and violated my hipa rights by requesting certain services (that I didn't meet the criteria for) when I was unable to come to the office because I had just had major back surgery and was house-bound for a month. If I'd been a danger to myself or someone else I would understand, but that wasn't the case, and I fired her. I'm in the process of finding another therapist, but a lot of places here in NC won't take Medicare!

Take care, everyone. I hope to meet you soon!

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

But I'm very adept at masking behaviors so that others won't realize that there's anything wrong. I've learned the "appropriate" responses and imitate them so that no-one will know that while I might be smiling and joking, that's not actually how I'm feeling on the inside.

I can relate to that much, unfortunately.

Hopefully someone will come up with some ideas of how you can deal with that or remedy it.

By the way, you're never alone.

[Travelinglady]

Hey, WantingPeace! I, too, know what you mean by not feeling positive emotions. And I know what it is like to sort of put on a clown mask, acting happy and being funny, when I am crying inside. What has helped me the most is being in therapy. It's now wonderful to be able to feel the whole range of emotions!

Alas, Eden isn't a good place to find therapists either, but I am thinking there might be one or more in Reidsville. Of course, that might be where you have gone. The one I go to where I live does take medicare. I am sorry your last therapist violated your trust.

Maybe in Martinsville? It's a bit of a drive, but might be worth it. I have driven as far as an hour away to get a good therapist in the past.

[WantingPeace]

I was actually with a therapist in Reidsville at FIF, and that's where it happened. I've been looking for individual therapists that take the medicare/medicaid now that I know that I actually DON'T have to go where Centerpoint refers me. I wasn't aware until recently that I could go to anyone else, and the only other option was group therapy (which I don't do well with). But I've been looking into therapists in Greensboro. I use the medical transport vans, so distance isn't the biggest issue. Now it's finding someone I can learn to trust.

TTFN!