[BMWheeler89]

(Copied from 'other mental health issues')

So, I'm going to do my best to articulate my inner environment, and perhaps you fine folks can help me gain some insights into what my issues may be. I have no money for therapy.

It's difficult for me to know where to start. None of this feels very linear or sequitur, so I don't exactly think that it can be told like a story or anything...

I am male, 25, around 5'7", 160lbs. Mostly healthy, somewhat active, vegetarian, cigarette smoker, light drinker, light cannabis user.

Basically, my emotions are very intense. For me there is no such thing as just a "good" day or just a "bad" day. Each day I experience a full spectrum of emotions periodically, and each feeling is very vibrant and seems to grab hold of my entire being for a while. Sometimes there are specific triggers, sometimes it just happens as fluid and strong feelings which come and go, passing through me uninvited during my waking hours.

I also have a tendency to be extremely, overly analytical. Almost anything which I observe, hear, or experience instantly becomes a subject of vigorous mental scrutiny. It's as though, in those moments, my mind expands and multiplies in all directions. My "mind" becomes the abstract environment for hundreds of "meta-minds" which analyze new data in a way that is very shrewd and calculating, and then stacks them against my preconceived opinions, notions, and judgements. All of this occurs very quickly, and it can be very distracting.

I'm realizing that I am very insecure, and in a lot of ways I lack self-esteem. For some reason I often feel inadequate or unattractive. For years I've despised the way I look in pictures or in the mirror. Logically it makes no sense. Every woman I've ever been with (mostly) has been beautiful. My current girlfriend (our one-year is in a week) is extremely physically attractive and she finds ways to tell me that I am aesthetically pleasing to her basically every day. Frequently she becomes frustrated when my initial response has an air of disbelief or doubt. On the same tack, I often feel worried about infidelity or slightly jealous in my relationship. Certain ideas make me unreasonably uncomfortable, and I have trouble coping with my knowledge of my girlfriend's sexual past. This could be a product of my own promiscuity in the past, and my (now abated) past tendencies for pathological cheating. I could very well be projecting the terrible guilty image I've had of myself onto my girlfriend or my relationship.
Further, I have always struggled with anger and depression. When I was younger (third grade or so) I was required to participate in group therapy and anger management sessions in school. I've been doing alright coping with my anger recently. I'm doing better with outbursts like yelling and throwing objects. I've invented personal mantras and have meditated heavily that anger is simply the outer expression of inner hurt, sadness, or fear.

I have mild compulsions. Symmetry of objects at home, of my own face (hair, beard, etc) are important. I clean my phone screen fairly compulsively. Things of that nature. I say that it's mild because I don't have "voices" or specific "rituals". Just little tweaky things I have to set right sometimes.

Lastly, my whole life I have felt as though I am different or set apart from almost everyone, including my peers. This doesn't mean that I'm antisocial. I have lots of friends, some of which are very close, all of which describe me as likeable, intelligent, and charismatic. I think that I am just acutely aware, due to empathy, of distinct differences in cognitive patterns between myself and other people. Whatever the cause, I just feel set apart. Like this plastic society is alien and strange. Often I feel like none of us, including me, is living the way that the human animal is designed to live anymore, and it severely affects our psychology and archetypes on an individual and mass social scale. I recognize these things but am powerless to break outside of the cycles, and so I am left feeling alone and outcast.

So, sorry this was a long post. I have also posted this in the 'Other Mental Health' category because it may fit there. Thanks for reading, and any insights or ideas would be valued beyond measure.

[Thunder Bow]

You are very intelligent and a deep thinker. You are right about society and how it affects us. Try spending more time outdoors by yourself. Connect with yourself and the natural world. Turn down the over thinking, and get more in touch with your feelings. You are going to feel alone and as an outcast because you think deeper than the norm.

Your psychology seems normal to me. You are You and you can not be someone else. You did not go into full blown schzophrenia.

[BMWheeler89]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

You are very intelligent and a deep thinker. You are right about society and how it affects us. Try spending more time outdoors by yourself. Connect with yourself and the natural world. Turn down the over thinking, and get more in touch with your feelings. You are going to feel alone and as an outcast because you think deeper than the norm.

Your psychology seems normal to me. You are You and you can not be someone else. You did not go into full blown schzophrenia.

Thunder Bow, thank you for your response. Your advice echoes steps I've already been taking in day to day life. I spend time alone outdoors, or with my dog. I have been trying to think less and feel more.
I note that you are a 'Navajo Shaman'. Beautiful. I have been walking down the trail of the modern shaman for a while now, probably longer than I even realize. My views are based on those exhibited by the most ancient (and surviving) tribal societies, commingled with my research into quantum physics. Thus far, I am only a shaman to myself and to the Mother however, because I feel strongly that before I can strive to heal or help others, I must first heal and help myself.
Assuming everything goes basically to plan, in the Fall I will begin my college education. I intend to major in Social Psychology and minor in Cognitive Sciences. My goal is to conduct research into applying techniques of ancient tribal small-scale social harmony to the larger scale mass/global internet-infused civilization, to raise eco-socio-consciousness and contribute to the ultimate prevention of things like war and starvation, through social harmony.
This career choice ties into my spiritual journey. For now, I'm working on it. I just need an outlet, I think. To talk, and assure myself that I'm not completely unglued here. As I've stated, I can't afford therapy, so here I am.

Fortuitous that the first and currently the only member of these forums to deign to respond to me is a shaman. Pure Jungian synchronicity.

[Restin]

I agree that you are highly intelligent and can deal with multiple topics on a deep level. But I question that this is all AOK, because you also expressed considerable suffering. Pressured thinking, and your self image is suffering. Also, the jealousy that is more than a woman would tolerate for long. That is a symptom of insecurity. Also relationships with people in general. I share in your frustration that most people are way too shallow for your level of thinking. Yet the aloofness is also an indicator of inner problems. Some people who are superior, really superior, are drawn to people instead of repeled, and become surgeons, psychologists, college professors, and such.

As you're considering going into social sciences, dealing with people closely, I think it would be essential to go have yourself tested psychologically, and get into therapy for some duration. As you know, all psychoanalysts are required to have their own analysis. It's important to investigate your own mind first, because significant neuroses can create serious problems of countertransference in your clients. Wheeler,the world desperately needs more people in the social sciences, and I hope you can see your way there.

[BMWheeler89]

Originally Posted by Restin

I agree that you are highly intelligent and can deal with multiple topics on a deep level. But I question that this is all AOK, because you also expressed considerable suffering. Pressured thinking, and your self image is suffering. Also, the jealousy that is more than a woman would tolerate for long. That is a symptom of insecurity. Also relationships with people in general. I share in your frustration that most people are way too shallow for your level of thinking. Yet the aloofness is also an indicator of inner problems. Some people who are superior, really superior, are drawn to people instead of repeled, and become surgeons, psychologists, college professors, and such.

As you're considering going into social sciences, dealing with people closely, I think it would be essential to go have yourself tested psychologically, and get into therapy for some duration. As you know, all psychoanalysts are required to have their own analysis. It's important to investigate your own mind first, because significant neuroses can create serious problems of countertransference in your clients. Wheeler,the world desperately needs more people in the social sciences, and I hope you can see your way there.

Thank you so much for your insights. I really appreciate any other perspective than the natural subjective. Gratitude for taking the time to read and reply!

I would like to note that my physical appearance is probably going to preclude me from working in clinical psychology or seeing patients. I am pierced and tattooed, with large gauge ear plugs and some small non-obscuring tribal facial tattoos. The field of socio-psychological science in which I intend to work would be based more on research and experimentation and less on face-to-face interactions with mentally ill clients.

[Thunder Bow]

You are smart and you will do well.