[birdpumpkin]

Having a really tough day today. Feeling some chest pains probably from just being stressed. I've been having a hard enough time dealing with myself and bad anxiety and depression, grieving the loss of my 10 cats and everything else we lost (everything), and probably some pts after we had a fire in early December. I thought when we got into our new home things would ease up, but things keep happening. I have a hard time dealing with my husband's work anymore. He can work late or get called out at anytime to fix water leaks and what-not, and the time that takes varies depending on how bad the situation is. I'm having bad separation anxiety anymore, so when it happens, I panic. So today he's got 2 leaks to work on, and I'm fearing he'll be late. On top of that, my mom has been in the hospital almost a week because of bypass surgery on her leg. (We lost our goat of 11 years the same day she went into surgery - which I couldn't be there because was a weekday and really wanted to be.) My dad and sister go to see her every day. The hospital is an hour away. My sister is divorced and her children grown and gone, so she has no ties. I'm married with a 10-year-old son in school, so they just go without me, assuming I can't go because I have a child in school. (He could miss a day to see his grandma - near the end of the year anyway.) I was able to visit over the weekend - I had my husband take me and went with dad on Sunday because I don't drive anywhere but locally, so I have to rely on others to take me. But now that we're into the week again, I'm not able to visit unless my husband takes me in the evening. I can't ask him to do this every day, and as I said, I'm worried today he'll even be late. I'm feeling left out, though. I miss my mom and want to see her, too. I have to be home for my son, but I still feel hurt. They're all there together, and I'm here alone all day. And they only give me a report after they're home around 7 or so, so I'm wondering all day long what's going on and how things are. I don't even know what's going on today. We thought yesterday she may get out, but she didn't. So today is the same thing is all I know. She may get out - or not. And I'm just wondering if they'd call and tell me if she did. I wish she would because I could visit and help out daily once she's home as my parents' house is only 4 miles away. But then I feel selfish. I'm just stressing over all this so bad. Then my husband's new chickens have gotten loose and are running wild everywhere - our neighbor will probably not be pleased when he gets home this evening. I don't know how to handle them - I've never messed with chickens before in my life. He said they'd be okay... And of course our air conditioning isn't working right, so some strange guy may be here today to work on it and the thermostat. Just not really in the mood for that... And my husband is always complaining about his back or something always hurting. I worry he's going to end up in the hospital or something. Some nights it hurts him really bad. In a way I feel I'm bearing everyone's burdens when I have some of my own that no one seems to care about that are hard enough to deal with in themselves. I'm not getting any therapy because no insurance, and if I mention having anxiety or something I'm just laughed off or told to be strong and get over it like it's nothing, when it really is. I suffer every day, cry, panic attacks, wake every morning shaky inside and nervous stomach. I just really really could use the hugest break right now.

[Nicks_Nose]

It sounds like you are not alone in many of these troubles. If family already knows you have other responsibilities, they are not putting pressure on you to be there. They are releasing you of any extra stressors from what they are certain you already carry from present and past stresses. Your husband is working hard and suffering from the tiring labour of his job as well as managing problems at home, such as gathering the chickens together, maintaining the home and a bad back. Do not feel that you are alone. Everybody is stressing. Perhaps communicating your worries to loved ones can help unite everyone as a team who can help each other make it through the tough times. E.g. "I will help you with this chore, if you can help me with this chore. When you need that or I need this, we can help each other."

[birdpumpkin]

I suppose everybody is stressing. I didn't think of it that way. But the thing is, I want to be there at the hospital. I wish I could be there like my sister is able to be. I want to be there with mom, too. It will be easier for me to help when she gets home, I suppose. Hopefully that will be soon...

[Thunder Bow]

You do need a break. You are still in harms way, in this life style you have. You do need to take action to change this.

[birdpumpkin]

What do you mean I'm still in harm's way in this life style?? That scares me!! Mom did come home today, but I found out via facebook post from my sister can you believe it?? I called her cell phone after I saw the post, and they were on the way home. Several relatives who had made it to facebook already knew my mom was coming home before I did. I was so hurt and angry. I did visit later and helped out some. I want to go back tomorrow but may be stuck waiting on the guy to fix our air conditioning who didn't show up today... I'm also worrying about making a pest out of myself, but I do want to visit and help out. I love my mom. We were really close before I got married. Have kind of drifted apart a bit since then, but I still feel I can talk openly to her whereas I can't to my dad or sister. Can you tell me how I can change things, Thunder Bow?? I'm so tired and worn out... It's gone on for years actually. Before the fire just seems so many troubles, and I lost 10 animals before my cats in our first 8 years of marriage. We live near an Indian mound - could there be a connection??