[sinking]

I love my family. My mom, my dad, my brother... i really do.

but im going crazy because of how much i hate them at the moment. all of them.

i still live with them and theres no way i can get my own place or avoid them enough. i already avoid them as much as possible.

how do i deal with this?

i have restarted drinking and selfharming and taking pills only to cope with the present situation at home. and yes, im thinking about suicide again too. i dont see any way out.

i hate them so much its consuming me. but i would never confront them because it would destroy them and i dont even think its their fault or they deserve it. they are good and doing their best. its all in my head. and its going to explode anytime now.

please, some help? thanks

[Travelinglady]

sinking, what do you feel like is the source of your hatred? Would it help to talk to a therapist?

[sinking]

Thank you for answering, Travelinglady.

i've been in therapy for 6 years and i dont want to go back. thats why im trying to help myself through the forum and by reading self help stuff.

i am starting to doubt of myself and my perceptions. i keep feeling they are all against me, and from here all my hatred, but maybe they are not.

i know they love me and probably mean well, but i feel mentally tortured by them.

they keep trying to "talk" with me but i dread it and try to avoid it as much as possible because im terrified of hearing something i cant stand, lose control and mortally hurt them (with words - i am good at controlling myself physically).

how do i know if what i perceive from them is real or it is just all distorted by my mind?

and if i decide its real, how do i deal with it? and what if its not? im not sure i want to admit my feelings are wrong. i thought i had learned feelings are never right or wrong....

any thoughts? thanks for listening.

[glok]

Hello, sinking. What you describe is very troubling. I do not think you might deal with your issues without professional help.

I wish you well.

[sinking]

Thank you Glok for taking this seriously. I'll try to hang in there...