[glok]

“The feeling of being valuable – ‘I am a valuable person’ – is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of self-discipline. It is a direct product of parental love. Such a conviction must be gained in childhood; it is extremely difficult to acquire it during adulthood. Conversely, when children have learned through the love of their parents to feel valuable, it is almost impossible for the vicissitudes of adulthood to destroy their spirit." ~M. Scott Peck, M.D., The Road Less Traveled

When growing up, I was frequently told I was a bad boy who surely would go to hell. I spent a lot of time thinking about how long forever was. How was I going to get out of this? I was at a loss.

Anger, resentment and bitterness became daily companions. The battle to survive was on. I had no one to talk to. I rarely felt I was winning.

Jessica Beltran, MS, tells us:

So maybe it’s time we start recognizing the value of being valued. But being valued for the right reasons. For the love, compassion, honesty, loyalty, kindness, passion, hard work, and dedication that we bring to this life. The Value of Being Valued | Thrive

Beltran provides ideas on how to make others feel valued. Maybe, with more focus on the value of being valued, adults can capture at least some of the spirit a child has acquired through parental love.

I truly hope so.

[glok]

M. Scott Peck was not the only source. You are entitled to your opinion. We can agree to disagree.

I think it can be possible for adults to learn to love themselves. After all, I think the act of calling kids awful is to make them do what you want. However, they grow up and obtain freedom eventually, and what situation they are in can probably change these thoughts over time. Such as, if they are in a healthy environment.

However, for me personally, it feels like rebuilding yourself from the inside sometimes. One milestone can lead to another sore spot that has to be grown over with kind words and understanding towards myself. Sometimes I don't even liked to be valued because I had been taught I was valueless, and so get anxious that people will lose their hopes about me at some later time. It's about not being taught I was unconditionally valuable. I'm sure a lot of people feel this way, and I don't think it's a healthy way of thinking.

Like they say, you become what you are called. I don't think this is entirely true... But I think it is to some extent.

[Wysteria]

If you look at shame and guilt, guilt being 'I have done something wrong, I have misbehaved or I have made a poor decision or choice", and shame being "I am wrong, I am bad, I am shameful or dirty'.

And you look at what kids are told in terms of you ARE bad, you ARE stupid, you ARE an embarrassment...you can easily see how these messages are internalized and self-images of being corrupted or bad or not worthy, can destroy self-esteem and leave us feeling embittered and alone. Inherently different and less.

This is why it is traumatizing and called verbal and emotional abuse.
It can come about in childhood and in later life as well.

I liked what you quoted by Ms. Beltran... I think two words that were not in the list were being cherished and validated.
[I'm sure Ms. Beltram probably deals with them later in her book.]

In the end, you have no way to internally dispute what someone has ingrained in you. Part of healing is the constancy of real reflection by someone that sees what is good and positive and right in you.

And, to voice things and have someone validate your thoughts and ideas and emotions as real and valuable, instead of criticizing them or ignoring them. That validation is critical.

This healing does take a lot of time and consistency. It takes a long time for those messages to be internalized, and a long time to reverse them, but yes, I think they be can be changed/reversed with professional help and support and reassurance.

Thanks for the thread. I'm so very sorry that you were treated so atrociously. I hope you do find the healing you and we, all deserve.

Wysteria

[Perna]

It took me a long time to realize how much children cannot understand what is being said to them, can take it so wrong and take things to heart that are harmful to them and waste time worrying. I still remember when I was told I might grow up to work at a particular job that I really really did not want! I was terrified when you grew up you were just assigned a job (like the old Soviet Union :-) and had no say in it. It took me until I was 23 to realize I knew I wasn't "stupid" and my stepmother should not be allowed to get away with calling me that, that I needed to "reject" her negative, hurtful comments.

A couple of my father's favorite phrases:

"You're a pretty smart guy. In fact that's part of your problem. Sometimes you're a little too smart for your own good."

"Geez, bud... what the hell's the matter with ya?